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My 3 year old is having issues!

8 replies

bigdad85 · 26/10/2019 21:04

I'm a father who sees my little boy every other weekend. Me an his mum are civil. But I'm having major problems with his Behaviour an I guess I need help. I'm not confident with how to discipline? He refuses to walk an wants me to carry him a lot. He also has tantrums if Im not giving him my full attention In play planets soft play. I just want a happy boy and I know I've been to soft but I need to know any ones best tips or how they was able to discipline an regain control when out In public. I'm aware he's prob got attachment issues due to me an his mum splitting an not seeing me enough. How ever I am to soft and I'm out of depth I would just love a few tips an suggestions of what I can do when he does certain things to correct his behaviour an get my little angel back. Its really upsetting. I need help an have no one to ask my parents are not good an his mum an me are civil yet don't see eye to eye a lot so please help group I need it. Much appreciated for taking time to read an look forward hearing responses and any help. Him not walking demanding to be carried an throwing him self in the wet ground. And general winging to flat out balling if I don't follow him around play Centers etc I just want him to be happy and looking for good discipline ideas in public or at home. I worry people will think bad of me etc it's so hard to know what's right to do 😔 please help

OP posts:
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milliefiori · 26/10/2019 22:46

The best tip I ever got for managing tantrums and demands at that age is to agree with them without giving in to them. It sounds like being soft but it isn;t at all, and best of all, it works. So, for example, if he starts whining to be carried when he has to walk, crouch down to his level, to make eye contact and say, 'You really want a carry don;t you? I wish I could carry you but my arms are really ahcing now/I have to carry the shopping. Wouldn;t it be brilliant if I had bionic arms that never got tired so I could always carry you?/Wouldn;t it be brilliant if I had four arms so I could carry the shopping and you. But I don't. So let's walk home and then we can have a nice cuddle on the sofa. (Or whatever.)
The demand for attention at soft play is trickier. It; spretty normal, though. so I doubt you are getting anything wrong. As you say, he;s unsure you are reliable because of the split so will keep chekcing and demanding your attention. As my very wise sis said to me: It's their full time job as toddlers to keep our attention on them. they are biologically programmed ot do this so they can survive.
Personally, I'd give in a bit and just give him your attention in soft play. Enjoy your time with him. But if it's driving you nuts, encourage him to go and use the slide or find a yellow ball or something that gets him trotting off somewhere else for a few minutes.
At hime, I found love bombing works (If they ask for your attention give them so much attention they get bored of it and they are the ones trying to escape you not vice versa.) But no one wants to be that parent in public. Grin

Singlenotsingle · 26/10/2019 22:52

Nothing wrong with carrying him, if that is what he wants. And he's going through the Terrible Twos, notorious for tantrums. Don't worry too much about discipline; he's probably a bit insecure after your split with his DM. You really must be patient with him.

Pandora71 · 27/10/2019 07:58

You and the mum need to agree a discipline structure and both stick to it.

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Dawninglory · 27/10/2019 08:07

Millie had some very good advice OP, my little one 4! still asks for a carry! So quite normal at 3, and play centres are scary big at 3, so they also like you to follow them around, just be patient, both issues don't need discipline strategies, just be constant with your contact, build trust.

bigdad85 · 27/10/2019 09:00

Thanks to you all for taking time to read an help with advice. I've found it very helpful it seems like common sense when u read in black and white but at the time feels like I'm doing everything wrong. As u can prob tell I'm a first time dad. I will 100% be speaking to mum about doing the same strategies and I'll also be more accepting of the clinging. But his meltdowns an crying need to be worked on I think I'll try a 3 min time out when he has one after a warning each time an hope he will see there's no need to cry constant when he doesn't get what he wants. Thank you every one for your comments. Please keep your opinions coming Smile

OP posts:
RoLaren · 27/10/2019 09:35

Depending on your child, he may be exhibiting signs of sensitivity rather than misbehaviour. Soft play, especially on a weekend can be very stimulating. Could you try a quieter activity such as a walk in the park instead, with lots of interaction?

bigdad85 · 27/10/2019 11:47

That's another great idea he does tend to be rather overwhelmed an a mixture of excited when he arrives I think I will spend the first day of arrival as a bonding alone time. I guess I forget or find it hard to see the world as he does thanks for that comment I have a lot to work on but Ill do my best Smile

OP posts:
milliefiori · 27/10/2019 11:57

bigdad - really - do NOT use time outs for a three year old in meltdown. He is way too young to understand this punishment and will register it as punishment for having feelings. Instead, use the cosy corner technique which is effectively the same thing without any anger and guitl attached to it and with the added bonus of the child learning to self-regulate their emotions. You set up a cosy chair or toy tent or nest of cushions, with a blanket, soft toy, book and a drink. When they melt down, say with sympathy: You are very upset. You need some time to calm yourself down. Snuggle down and when you are feeling better, come and tell me. Love you.

Then leave them. If they come back rampaging, say, 'You still seem upset. Go back and curl up until you feel better.

It's so important that you don;t deny their right to having feelings but you equally don't put up with the meltdowns. You can say: I can't hear you when you scream at me and I need to make dinner/unpack the shopping etc so I will do my jobs and you snuggle up until you feel better. When you stop shouting you can tell me why you are upset.

It may seem wordy but it's kind and respcectful but you are still fully in control.

I hinestly think if you choose naughty-step/time out style punihsments instead, once this technique is known, you are setting your family up for emotional power struggles and battles that are wholly unnecessary. I have very strong willed children. So does a friend. She always used time outs and punishments, I used positive techniques. I had almost no toddler tantrums and meltdowns and no teenage strops - she's had endless hassle with both her DC all the way through because she insists on power struggles. They don't work. Take the battle away and without ever being a pushover, show love instead of authority.

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