Recently my 9yo DD said to me "I'm always anxious at Daddy's. The only time I'm not scared is when I'm reading a book on the sofa or I'm asleep. I'm scared I'll do something wrong but I don't know what it's going to be". Now this rang alarm bells for me as it described how I had felt when I'd been in a relationship with him. I know now that his behaviour was controlling and abusive but at the time things had to get 'bad enough' for me to make the choice to break up our family (we also have a son, now 6). Which I did four years ago, never regretted for a moment, and continue to count my blessings. At the time, something that spurred me to make that change, was a desire to protect DD, who at age 5 was beginning to clash with him and his efforts to control her.
Now. We live apart, communicate with civility in matters regarding the children, who he has every other weekend at his place. We have only ever arranged things informally, he pays the recommended amount of child maintenance, the children are usually quite positive about him and the fun they have with him. Things are not terrible. But DD still occasionally soils her underwear (a longstanding constipation issue), only ever when at her father's, but she hides it from him and REALLY doesn't want me to tell him.
I want to support my children as they grow and learn more about relationships and positive communication. My ex's behaviour isn't bad enough to consider denying him contact, my daughter's emotional troubles aren't bad enough to receive any intervention (according to GP). What I want to know is, are there actions I can take now to try and make sure they don't go down that route?