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Original poster

how to solve feeding, dummy vs thumb arguements within group of mums? Advice please

39 replies

KangaMummy · 24/09/2004 20:02

I belong to a group of mums with different aged children. Our husbands all work for same company.

Anyway today we all met up for coffee.

my DS 9yrs at school,
A has 8yrs DS school & 9 week DD breastfed thumb
B has 2yrs DD and 9 week DS bottle dummy
C has 2½yrs DS and 1 yr DS breastfed I think
D has 9 month DD bottle
E has 8 month DD bottle

As C, D, and E are new. It was the first time they joined us for coffee.

This morning arguements about thumb verses dummy A upset B, saying thumbs were natural and other people saying that dummies could be taken away when the child was older. They all got upset.

Breastfed baby A is 9 weeks and is not growing/gaining weight only put on 8oz since birth [was 7lb 6oz] but A is determined to carry on feeding herself has been told by HV that she needs to top up with bottle so did that and baby A put on 4½ oz in one week. Very unsettled baby constantly feeding.

Bottle fed baby B has put on 4lb since birth [was 8lb 7oz] and has dummy. Very happy contented baby.

mums C D and E were very opinionated about everything and seemed to wind the whole situation up. As well as having their own heated discussions.

I kept out of it all because DS was breastfed but to get him home from NNU I had to bottle feed also he had a dummy to help him in NNU. So I realise all the points of view and the emotions.

The question is how to tell mum A breastfed thumbsucking baby that her baby may need another bottle?

Also how to diffuse arguements about dummies vs thumb sucking? Also bottle vs breast?

Myself and A and B have been together for years without any problems it just seemed to be today that everyone joined together for first time.

How do you stop arguements and the competitiveness?

I just said all families and babies are different and what works for one will not always work for another.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

hercules · 24/09/2004 20:10

But mum A's baby doesnt need another bottle!

hercules · 24/09/2004 20:12

Her hv has told her a load of crap. ALl she needs to do is carry on feeding.

codswallop · 24/09/2004 20:13

I think you need to give them all wine next tinme - that would make them funnier and less precious.

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zubb · 24/09/2004 20:16

ban talking about babies.

MTS · 24/09/2004 20:16

LOL at coddy's suggestion. I don't think there's anything more you can do other than gently hint (as you have done) that people shouldn't criticise each other about their choices, and then change the subject - to Posh Spice/Prince William or something equally momentous. Mum A is I suspect being bombaded with info/anxiety about feeding - and I think the last thing she would need is any more advice.

Original poster

KangaMummy · 24/09/2004 20:16

Oh how dim I am or what

No I guess I was just repeating what happened this morning and that if baby A had put on 4½ oz in one week then that will be a good weight gain.

OP posts:

kbaby · 24/09/2004 20:17

agree with hercules why would mum a need to give a bottle as the baby isnt gaining weight. Surely shes been ill advised, more breastfeeding but not the bottle or her supply will decrease even more.

I think what youve said is right. Each mum is different. I have a friend whose baby cries constantly, mum feeds every hour and hes gaining 1lb a week all because she wont give a dummy. I my opinion I would give him a dummy as hes probably sucking for comfort but I wouldnt think to mention that to her as its completly up to her.

My advice would be to stay out of the discussion and stay as neutral as possible.

zebra · 24/09/2004 20:17

Maybe the group isn't meant to be close chums?
Maybe honesty isn't always best.
I don't know how you can assess a 9 wk old as being a thumb sucker, given (I thought??) they didn't know about their own hands, yet. Anyway, I never gave mine (breastfed) a dummy and they don't suck their thumbs, either -- I don't know why people think it's got to be one or the other.

hercules · 24/09/2004 20:18

People are too obsessive about such things. There is nearly no difference between the two in the way of calories.

Original poster

KangaMummy · 24/09/2004 20:18

Usually we do go out for meal and they all get a bit tipsy. I do the driving.

OP posts:

hercules · 24/09/2004 20:19

Mine never sucked thumbs or dummy either.

hercules · 24/09/2004 20:19

This is why I dont go to baby groups.

Original poster

KangaMummy · 24/09/2004 20:23

Mum A is expressing each time she gives bottle but I don't know whether it is formula or ebm she gives.

I am not an expert in any of it but it was so competitive this morning

OP posts:

hercules · 24/09/2004 20:24

The best advice you could give her is to stop expressing and just feed. What about the phone number of the nct so she can get professional advice?

Original poster

KangaMummy · 24/09/2004 20:25

Usually we talk about kids then move on to other subjects but I guess it was because 3 new people joined it dominated the morning

OP posts:

Slinky · 24/09/2004 20:26

Make a pact not to mention babies/kids??

That's what we do - if we go out, be it evening or lunchtime - we don't talk about the kids! Other peoples kids bore me rigid and I'm sure they think the same about mine

Slinky · 24/09/2004 20:27

Sorry Kanga - our posts crossed

Original poster

KangaMummy · 24/09/2004 20:27

The problem is that I have both of them A and B talking to me about the other and wanting me to agree with them.

And like I said before I think each should do what works for them.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 24/09/2004 20:32

message withdrawn

Original poster

KangaMummy · 24/09/2004 20:33

LOL twiglett

OP posts:

Yorkiegirl · 24/09/2004 20:38

Message withdrawn

Original poster

KangaMummy · 24/09/2004 20:38

Thanks everyone I think I will continue to sit on the fence maybe with a bottle of my own

Also suggest that we have a ban on opinions and judgements of other peoples babies.

OP posts:

Socci · 24/09/2004 21:01

Message withdrawn

Original poster

KangaMummy · 24/09/2004 21:09

Socci that maybe something to do with it that maybe the quality of her milk isn't rich enough or just not enough quantity.

She does tend to run on nervous energy IYSWIM when we have met up for meals out she ate quite well before DD was born.

IMHO she is soooooo tired atm that she may not be eating enough.

I wouldn't want to upset her by saying it to her though.

OP posts:

aloha · 24/09/2004 21:26

Milk is milk Kangamum. Unless woman A is literally starving - like someone from a famine region, her milk will be just the same as anyone else's. It's a huge myth that some milk is 'richer' than others. More feeding will make more milk, nothing else.
If the people I'd met up with when I first had a baby had behaved like this I would never have seen them again. Shockingly rude to give unasked for opinions and criticise other people - that's what Mumsnet is for
I think saying, 'hold on, let's not all get critical and argumentative....have a glass of wine and what do you think of Britney's wedding then' might be the best course. I would never criticise a friend's choices, even if I really thought they were wrong (unless they were actively harming their child). It's not worth it.

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