Thinking negative thoughts unintentionally

[Star39]

Hi there
I have an absolutely gorgeous happy little girl who is just over a year old. I love her so much and it’s been tough going back to work after a year off on maternity.
We had a difficult night a few days ago, she woke up at midnight and just wanted to comfort suck (I’m still breastfeeding) I was tired and felt like a human dummy! I was starting to feel annoyed especially as my husband cos just lay and doze next to me. I would try and hug her and shush her to sleep and kiss her but then a couple of negative thoughts popped into my head. There is one thing that has been bothering me lately (health wise in regards to my daughter) that I have been very upset about and one of these thoughts were in relation to that (I don’t want to type it because I am absolutely disgusted with myself for thinking it).
I wanted to ask is this normal? Does it make me a bad mother or even person?
I feel so guilty and every time she smiles at me I feel like I don’t deserve to be her mother. I feel disgusted, ashamed and don’t understand how these thoughts even came into my head. I was tired yes but that doesn’t excuse it.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Intrusive thoughts. They're very common, especially post-partum, and usually come with a healthy side-serving of guilt because the thought or impulse is the absolute last thing you'd ever want to do. I get them myself, OP; I found learning what they were and why they happen really helpful in dealing with them. There's a book called The Imp of the Mind which is very good. If they're getting frequent and really stressing you out then talk to your GP. But these thoughts do not mean you want to, or are going to, hurt your daughter - that's usually what people worry about the most, and why they're reluctant to talk to anyone about them.

Exactly what PP said.
I get them too. I couldn't say how frequent mine are, as I don't focus on them and mentally bat them away, but it's certainly normal. Thank you for posting about it.

Yes I get them too, intrusive thoughts, and they are horrible.

I find myself thinking them and whilst the rational side of me knows I wouldn't act out on them, they are still not nice to have.

I think they are worse/more frequent the more tired I am.

Totally normal.
I’m diagnosed with ocd and I’ve had them as long as I can remember.
I’ve had therapy and I can finally accept them for what they are- just horrible thoughts.
They mean nothing.
If they continue or worry you, speak to your gp. They can help.

Thankyou everyone. I feel abit more relieved that this is something common and not just me. I tried to explain to my husband and told him how guilty I felt. I asked him if he ever felt like that during times when our DD is screaming and won’t sleep, he said no and he just thinks he doesn’t want any more babies. Needless to say that made me feel 100% times worse and that I was an awful person let alone mother!
Of course, I would NEVER hurt my daughter and I feel like I have betrayed her by even having these thoughts. I find it strange that come into my head when I’m hugging and kissing her and trying to soothe her. It’s so strange.
I do bat them away as you say @SlimGin but this one thought I had the other night has really bothered me...
@AppropriateAdult Thankyou for recommending the book, I will definitely look into where I can buy it x

How old is your DD?

@FATEdestiny she’s 13 months now.
@Yoohoo16 I have been suffering from anxiety, I worry so much about my DD and her getting ill or something happening to her. When I have a concern I spend days trawling through google reading up on what I’m worried about. I find it very disconcerting when these nasty thoughts pop into my head. Do you think they could be related to my anxiety? Xx

You are not your thoughts.

Next time you have them, just try to notice them. Imagine a mountain (you are the mountain) with weather passing by (your thoughts are the weather).

We all have thoughts, we can't stop them, but we can practice not getting caught up in them.

When you watch your thoughts passing through your mind, you realise you are the one watching your thoughts. That's 'you', not your thoughts.

Oh and if that doesn't work - medication ;)

If you are on Instagram I would recommend Anna Maggie - she is a psychologist who posts lots about how to manage intrusive thoughts.

*anna Mathur