Fed up with my 3 year old

[CoffeeAndTheOcean]

I feel like a shit parent right now and I probably am but I need to rant because I'm fucking done. My ds is 3 years old. Dh and I left our country 2 years ago and moved to the UK. Dh works long hours and is out every day from 8 am to 7/8ish pm, so I've been the one doing everything for ds apart from weekends. I do enjoy the time I have with him most of the time but with zero help it's fucking rough sometimes. He's been throwing bad tantrums since he was one year old but lately it's been getting out of control. EVERYTHING is a battle. Going to the potty. Eating. Going out of the house. Going back home. Taking a bath. And the worst, going to bed. I don't bother with playdates anymore because he has to have his way and refuses to share and the whole thing ends up super stressful. He wants me to play with him 24/7 on the floor and it makes me want to cry with boredom. He won't go to sleep on his own and I stay with him until he does which takes up to an hour sometimes. He's only slept through the night for a couple of months after he turned to then continued waking up multiple times Lately he's been waking up 2/3 times during the night. Sometimes wanting to be rocked? I refuse to and we have an hour of screeching at 3 am. I don't know where I went wrong. He gets lots of positive attention from me. We go out most days and do fun stuff. But right now I can't deal with it all. I'm 5 months pregnant and spend most of my days wondering how the fuck I'm going to cope with another one. We tried a childminder for a few mornings a week to give me a break but he just tantrums and cries the whole time there so we stopped trying. Today I lost the plot and kept screaming at him the whole morning because he was whining/tantrumming as usual. He was so surprised and kept saying mummy screamed at me, mummy made me sad which makes me feel aweful. He refused to eat breakfast and lunch too. He's asleep now and I feel like crap. For a second I contemplated leaving the house. For a second I wanted the life I had before him. I really miss going through my days in peace. I know I love him more than anything, I just want this to get easier. Will it ever? Need some words of wisdom. Thanks.

Oh dear. Please don't scream at him it won't help. It sounds tough but remember it's not his fault. You need some plans to get through tomorrow, the next day, next week and the next few months.

Do you have any friends you can call who can give you a break tomorrow? Or have a playdate with - maybe at the park if it's easier there to let him run aound.

Can you do a timetable of your days with your son - so he can see when it's time for mummy to play, time for him to have quiet time (read a book, do colouring, do lego etc), when it's snack time etc etc.

Can you investigate pre-schools in the area - if you are UK doesn't he qualify for some funding now or soon?

Can you partner step up this weekend so you get a few hours to yourself to please yourself?

Tonight - just both of you snuggle in his room - or your room. Get your partner to sleep elsewhere. Go to bed when he does, have an early night and see if you can both sleep through - as that will also help.

for you OP.

This too shall pass.

How is he for your DP?

Does he get consequences when he doesn't share at play dates/ doesn't walk with you/ isn't behaving?
I'd keep at it with the childminders otherwise he will think he can get his way and not go if he keeps tantrumming.
Hopefully if you keep taking him he will eventually realise he doesn't have an option.
He's old enough to understand basic actions have consequences scenarios and I would probably start there. No screaming and shouting just a simple no DS you know we do not do that/that's not the rules.
Ignore bad behaviour as and when you can and lots of praise and treats for good behaviour.

What rules/consequences do you have right now?

I'd investigate pre school as a priority OP, are you entitled to any free hours? I would also consider cutting out naps in the day. My DS1 started taking ages to go down and dropping his nap was the only thing that sorted it.

Does your DS behave for his dad?

That sounds extremely hard Op. Your DS behavior may or may not be normal for his age (3 year olds are hard bloody work) but you need a break. And I’d go mad without adult company during the day and nursery time.

My DS (now 4) did 3 mornings a week when he was 3 and it saved my sanity for sure. We did as many play dates as we could, mostly the playground and soft play so that there were no toys to fight over. DS has so much energy so anything physical was perfect for him. Even just throwing a ball round at open gym time and I could chat to some other mums and not be arguing with him.

I also have a DD (now 2) and it is really hard work with 2 little kids and your DS will probably regress so you really need to get some of the new habits (like nursery for example) in place now so that he doesn’t associate it with being pushed out because of the new baby

Thank you for your replies.

He's starting preschool in January so hopefully that improves his behaviour a bit. As for consequences, I do try to be consistent with them. If he doesn't eat - I only offer him meals I know he likes - then I tell him you'll have to wait til next meal. If he throws a toy, it's taken away immediately...etc.

I believe he's not tantrumming to get his way because he knows I won't give in but rather has really big emotions he can't manage. When he does throw a tantrum I sit near him and say well sorry you can't get what you want but I'm here if you need a hug, and he does end up sobbing in my arms. We talk a lot about emotions and he's able to express how I feels but I'm tired of walking on eggshells because I know he'll explode any minute. I took him to the gp several times throughout the past 2 years and he insists his behaviour is normal and that some kids experience emotions stronger than others. Ds can be the sweetest thing when he's not angry, always chatty and funny and active but it's concerning me how much of his time is spent in meltdowns.

You’re doing the right things (apart from the screaming which you obviously know)
I found age 3 the hardest but at 4, I saw quite a lot of changes. They seem to gain more of a sense of what to do, how to express themselves and a lot of other things.
Hang in there.
As for the sleep, can your dh go to him at night? He might start going back to sleep.

I would really recommend starting nursery ASAP. You need a break, he needs to learn boundaries and how to play with other kids and, most importantly, you need to make sure he doesn’t associate the new baby with being shipped off to nursery/preschool. January is only weeks before the baby arrives. You also want him to be used to being away from you by the time the baby arrives and it could take him quite a while to settle into pre-school from what you have described.

Also, you need to break the sleep habits that he has. You will not be able to cope with a newborn baby waking all night long AND a toddler. Stop rocking to sleep, send your husband in and get him to offer morning more than a glass of water. He will soon get the message.