A friend came over today and...

[HalyardHitch]

My friend came over with her two year old today. I have two boys and based on our afternoon I'm pretty sure she'll never come back.

The one year old is teething and miserable but the two year old was just awful.

I've not seen my friend for around two years and my two year olds behaviour means I can't invite her over again. I'm at my wits end with him and feel like such a failure. He's the kind of kid people avoid. He's so funny, caring and has such a beautiful soul but is just a horror 90% of the time at times.

I'm sat outside work about to start and am crying. I'm not cut out for this. I've been diagnosed with depression, do the whole SAHM thing by day and work in the evening. I just hate that I have such a challenging child

Have you got an local forest school type toddler groups? They’ve been a god send for me. Being outdoors helps loads. It also gives him the freedom to choose to participate or explore on his own. If he does struggle or begin to melt down, then there is space to do this.
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@Hugsandpastries he's under the paediatrician but due to bad medical advice previously he's totally gluten free. The paediatrician has suggested that for now we treat him as though he is coeliac and then revisit the gluten challenge between age 4-7 when growth and development is slower- apparently this will "reduce the risk". We tried ten days just after he turned two and he was so sick that I refused to continue. He finished a three month course of sytron in august and was retested last week. Still anaemic. But we need to wait three weeks until our next paediatric appointment now.

I think it's a combination of my poor mental health, him being a particularly tough toddler (he's been tough since he was born - as a newborn could scream for 8 hours) and my lifestyle of having the boys, working and my husband being away 1/2 weekends.

@HalyardHitch ah got you. It sounds really hard with you being on your own a lot with the two of them, you must be so tired by the end of the day and then you have to work too, so no rest. I know a little bit what that’s like as my husband works away in the week, though I only have one demon child to worry about!

Don’t worry about your friend. As others have said she was probably just grateful it wasn’t her toddler playing up. I’m always relieved when I see tantruming toddlers as it makes me feel less bad about mine!

So the two year old screamed at me for 3 hours this afternoon, only stopping to eat a few strawberries...

Oof. You’d think he’d get bored of screaming after the first hour or so.

Sympathy. I had to take my threenager to a hospital appointment, at which he wet himself and screamed for each different healthcare professional he saw. Then at home I tried giving him a bath but he kept deciding he needed a poo after a minute in the bath, then wanting to come out, then wanting to go back in, each time making the floor more and more wet... not a big deal really but when you’re tired already immensely irritating!

OP, I have been where you are. It gets easier. Kind of.

My eldest has always been hard work since the day he was born. He's six now and it's becoming apparent there is more to his behaviour now than just being 'high maintenance'. So we're doing assessments etc.

I also had a close age gap (2 years) and did the whole working evenings after being home all day. It was absolutely fucking exhausting. I had no other option than to do it because of finances, but the three years I did it nearly destroyed my sanity and my marriage.

Do what you can to get through each day. I used to lock myself in my bedroom on a Sunday and send DH off out with the kids. Just to have a break. Definitely recommend taking the kids out as much as physically possible to burn off energy and help you get some fresh air as well.

Another four hours of crying without stopping again today. I took him to the gp and he's had a clean bill of health

What sets him off crying, does he seem upset or more angry? Any physical symptoms that something might be wrong? How are his energy levels?

My GP misdiagnosed my son as having a cold last year. He needed an emergency operation a week later. It took blood tests at A&E and several doctors listening to his heart to pick up on the problem. Sometimes GPs can miss more unusual conditions. Of course your son could be absolutely fine as your GP says, maybe just going through a phase of getting very emotional about things. Is he able to say much yet about what’s upsetting him?

Oh that's so tough! Give yourself a break OP, you're parenting with a much higher degree of difficulty than most.

Take care of your own MH first, that's the most important thing for everyone.

He won't always be like this. Hang in there.

Have you asked your health visitor for any help or advice?

Toddlers are terrorists. I have every sympathy.

Has he had his molars come through yet? Teething those buggers makes them right little sods!

I always used to try and get mine down for a nap after lunch if o felt they were on the verge of meltdown. Not easy to implement but maybe worth a try. If you leave it too late they go beyond it.

You have our sympathies.

He's tired. Seems to have perked up this afternoon though. He has all of his teeth and finished teething about six months ago.

Its not anger. It's just sheer devastation. It's not particularly a temper tantrum just a huge emotional tidal wave of pain comforting doesn't fix it, leaving him doesn't fix it. I dunno

Hi It is worth chatting to your friend about how you feel and stuff. Also if you kept correcting any bad behaviour then that's fine. It's so much worse if a child is snatching, being mean, leaping around and mum doesn't remind child to be kind etc.

Many children suck at playdates. Mine is rubbish at them. Her personality is shy and possesive of me. So when kids come round and I pick them up or fuss them she gets very moody and will shout in frustration.

I read somewhere that children are unable to share and cope with playdates longer than an hour under 5 I believe.

I always look at parents with the sharing kid or the kid like hi come play with me and hope one day my daughter can be that child.

Don't be upset though. Children show us up at some point at home, in Asda, at people's houses. None of them have model behaviour at all times. Does your child do better outside etc? I don't have people around anymore because it's not enjoyable trying to referee little people fighting over vehicles and blocks.

OP the only thing that ever put me off seeing a friend with similar age children to mine, was that she never ever told her child not to snatch, not to hit etc. She used to laugh when he hurt my daughter. Everyone else has been lovely, and we’ve had half a conversation over refereeing the children. I work evenings after having my two littles all day, mine are 1 and 3. It’s so exhausting. It will get better. I bet your friend really does understand.

I agree with pp, I only get put off seeing a friend with children once because she did not intervene when her 4.5 year old refused to let my almost two year old play with anything, including ds's own toys, hid my son's toys and refused to give them back, pushed him, threw things at him and attempted to hit him. My friend said nothing to him. Not a word. She laughed that my ds would need to just hold his own. I was only upset that she didn't attempt to intervene and found it funny. I could handle everything else.

At toddler groups etc I have seen a lot of tricky two year old behaviour and always just empathise internally, never judge the mums.