Brothers ex moving away with child advice

[scarlett10x]

Hi all need a bit of advice. My brother has a 12 month old baby. He is the first to admit he has never been involved in the day to day care of his child and has had minimal contact i.e an hour or so every week for a visit during the day and that's it. He could have done more. He and my nieces mother have never lived together and don't really get on. Now she wants to move 3 hours away to get more support from her family. He doesn't want to take it to court but what should he suggest to keep contact with his daughter? And if he does take it to court what is likely to happen?

I suggested he drive there every other weekend but he doesn't want to do that

He sounds like a deadbeat. I hope she manages to move seamlessly and get the support she and the baby need

To be honest why shouldn't she move 3 hours away. It sounds like he's done very little when she was close by. He should do what you said which is go up every other weekend at the very least. If he can't be bothered..... You talk about him keeping contact but he doesn't have contact now. He needs to man up and put the baby first, step up and accept responsibility. Maybe if he was she wouldn't need to move so far away.

Honestly, I would be ashamed of him. Leave him to be a crappy dad and focus on supporting your the baby and his Ex. She has stepped up and taken responsibly and she needs her family around her now. You can't make him a good father, he's missing out but you can't make him step up.

Honestly it sounds like he's no help and she needs the support from her family. I can't imagine a court granting any prevention with so little input.
I'm sorry if that's not what your brother wants to hear right now, he will need to put more effort in to try and improve things. Maybe see if that would convince her yo move closer again before things like schools and circles of friends for your neice really settle them somewhere

@user1474894224 @Disfordarkchocolate @Surfskatefamily , honesty you are all right and I'm the first one to tell him what I think. I have no objections to her going as it's best for her and my niece but I also feel I want to encourage my brother to do more and not lose all contact. Of course this is his choice. He thinks because he pays child support he is doing something good. Brother or not I am ashamed of his behaviour

If your brother is a deadbeat, then why shouldn't his ex move to be near her family where she gets support (since she isn't getting it from him?)

He could offer (and provide) significant support for raising their child. Then she wouldn’t need to get the support from her family.

I agree he should drive but he obviously can't be arsed so I don't know what else to suggest. I completely understand her reasons for moving given how little he's bothered. It would be unfair of him to attempt to stop it but I imagine court would allow her to go anyway given the circumstances and wound grant similar contact to that you have suggested

You cannot force him to be part of his child's life. It's clear he does not want to be.

I would support the exes move and tell your brother that he will regret not being part of his child's life.

What's your relationship like with his ex?

You can't make him be a decent dad but if you're worried about you losing contact with your neice, what do you think would happen if you told her you'd like to keep contact as an aunt - send presents and cards and visit a few times a year. Maybe take you neice out when she's older so her mum can get a break?

I think the best thing you can do as try and keep contact yourself as the aunty.

It'll be your brothers loss in the long run. Many men (and women) shun the hardships of raising a child but they have no idea of hiw amazing it feels to have brought a human into the world and raise them to be smart, happy, funny, etc.

Honestly I would just focus on your own relationship with his ex and your neice. I'd keep in touch with her, send cards to your neice etc and arrange to visit. I'd let my brother deal take responsibility for his own (lack of) relationship with his child.

He's a deadbeat and no one can fix that but him. She's right to move nearer support. And now he can forevermore blame the move and not his own fecklessness for his lack of a relationship with his daughter. Win-win.

@scarlett10x as others have said - you can't change him. You can't make him step up. But you can be the best Aunty she has. You can keep contact. Send her little letters, notes and photos. Ask the mum how often you can visit and stick to it. Let her know as she grows up that she has people that love her and care for her. I've been in similar position - it wasn't easy. And in the end the mum stopped contact with our whole family because of my brother. That was the worst as it really hurt. But I sleep easy knowing I did everything I could. My neice can never say I didn't/don't care.

What should he do to keep his one hour contact every week or so?

His ex is supposed to stay away from her support system so he can treat his child as an afterthought? If he has any decency, he'll back off and reflect on what a neglectful parent he has been so far.

Do you have a relationship with his ex? Maybe you can keep contact as an auntie even if your brother doesn't. I would try to do so if you can to show neice that you do care and growing up it gives her a way to know her roots

He either drives/travels the necessary distance for his One hour a week, moves closer or doesn't bother and loses contact.

Has he asked you for advice? as it's not your issue, it's his and he doesn't give the impression he's all that fussed...

If he goes to court it will cause resentment, cost him money and they will look at how much time he has spent with her, this seems like a knee jerk response from either you or him.
Has he known her well enough to have overnight access? Does he have a suitable place to live? Would he want overnight access?

I genuinely don't think he sounds like he would want or stick to an overnight arrangement regularly.
I'm sorry we can't tell you what you want to hear as it's all dependent on your Brother

He's a deadbeat. Let the mother and child get on with their lives. If you want to be a nice auntie, remember to send birthday cards (from you).

Your brother can either step up or not, but don't do it for him. Typical bloke - wanting women to facilitate whatever it is that he is supposed to do.

Well she’s obviously not getting support from him so I don’t blame her for wanting to move to where she can get some.

He could ask her if she would be willing to meet him half way every other weekend but in all honesty I don’t see why she should. He’s done virtually nothing for a year so it’s time he made some effort and commitment. If he thinks making a financial contribution is enough then he has a lot of growing up to do.

Leaving a Mum unsupported for a year whilst she has no family around is horrible.

The mother is doing what is best for her and her child. Why would he take her to court for contact when he doesn't bother to see his child for more than an hour a week. If I were you I would do all I could to have a good relationship with my niece and her mother and that would not involve encouraging my brother to take court action.

If he wants contact then he needs to go to court and prove he can commit to it and become a good dad.

Given what you've said, he sounds like he doesn't really care and it will be best for her to move.

Why should she stay where she is and get no support from him when she could move and have a support network.

Thanks for your comments, I agree with all of you and I'm not pushing for him to take legal action I only made this thread to give him a big reality check. He says it's her fault for not letting him spend more time with his daughter but he's actually been happy with the way things were going and doing very little or he would have done and said something about it before now. I'm just going to focus on being a good aunt to my niece