Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Ex says he is taking me to court

57 replies

UserUser321 · 13/10/2019 18:00

Just wondering if anyone can give some advice.

I have a 1 year old with my now ex. I’m due to return to work shortly and I’m trying to get my ex to co parent when I return. I have 2 other children who aren’t his and I don’t get any government help with DS.

What I have proposed is that he has DS 2.5 weekdays and 1 day at the weekend. The same for me. I’ll either need to adjust my working hours to accommodate DS for the 2.5 days I have him, or arrange childcare. I’ve proposed he does the same.

He is point blank refusing. He said he’s not making any adjustments to his work and will not help with childcare costs. He’ll continue to get DS for a few hours on a couple of weeknights and take him overnight on a Saturday. The couple of hundred pounds he pays in maintenance each month won’t even cover half of the costs I am going to incur putting DS into a nursery. Not to mention the fact I don’t drive and am going to have to take DS on a bus every morning and night to get him to and from nursery.

He has just told me he is taking me to court so there is a court order in place for him to see DS at the times he is available. So he’s basically taking me to court to get less access! Can he do this?

OP posts:
Original poster
UserUser321 · 14/10/2019 08:22

@RandomMess

This thing is, he works an agile, flexible contract and mostly works from home! He’s using the excuse that he needs to be in the office early until late each day which is why he can’t commit to fixed times. It’s absolute BS.

Will a judge work around the hours he says he works or would he need to provide proof of the hours he’s actually working? He can literally work at any time, day or night as he has a work laptop, which he used to do when we were together. Occasionally he would take part in conference calls so I’m not disputing he has to be available at some points during the day but I know for a fact he’s not physically going into work every single day.

OP posts:
Aderyn19 · 14/10/2019 08:49

Stop engaging. And keep backed up copies of all his messages. Your last post sounds like you were trying to get him to negotiate, which undermines you. Just let him go through the court.

RandomMess · 14/10/2019 08:56

The judge doesn't care, if he needs childcare to work that's your ex problem!!!

Just means he will get offered EOW and if he doesn't want overnights during the week that's his choice...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Childcare & nursery Families Family law
PanamaPattie · 14/10/2019 09:03

I would stop engaging with him. He’s not going to help you co-parent. Sort out your life and childcare without him. Leave him off the birth certificate. If he wants contact (which he won’t) let him take you to court. Don’t rely on him to help out. Even if you get contact in place, there is no guarantee he will stick to it. Don’t leave yourself open to his manipulation.

Original poster
UserUser321 · 14/10/2019 09:04

The judge doesn't care, if he needs childcare to work that's your ex problem!!!

Exactly what I said! But he seems to think I should be available to provide childcare 24/7 and that his work takes priority over our son.

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 14/10/2019 09:06

.... YY to him stopping maintenance. Get your claim in as soon as possible.

RandomMess · 14/10/2019 09:06

I completely agree with Panama assume you need childcare when you are at work or want to go out. He is a complete shit and doesn't care about your son he is just a means to continue to control you.

Stop engaging with him, he is loving the drama and seeing how desperate you are for his help you are feeding him!

MsPavlichenko · 14/10/2019 09:13

You have to accept that he is not going to to help you in any way with childcare. It is not fair but in fact you and your DC will be better in the long run without him around much, if at all.

Pinkbonbon · 14/10/2019 09:13

He's not on the birth certificate? Happy days! Think I'd move away and never see the fecker again then. 'He's not yours, byeeeeeee'. Guess you would miss out on his child payments though. Tbh, small price to pay to get him out of you and your kids life for good (narcissist fathers suck) if you could figure out a way to get by without it. Guess it isn't that simple, pity other kids dad can't pay for his two.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 14/10/2019 09:35

Judges sometimes do allow flexibility - happened to a friend of mine. The ex worked variable shifts and ex lets friend know a month in advance for following month when ex will be seeing the dc - all different times.
This was ordered as acceptable by the judge because ex needed to be working ft and shifts have no pattern.
Ex also gets first choice of the 2 weeks in summer holiday because has to fit round when ex can get annual leave.

nottodaysatanlucifer · 14/10/2019 09:40

Ha he's not even on the BC?! Good luck to him. He has to file for a declaration of parentage first to even be legally put on the certificate before he can apply for access.

Honestly... he sounds like an idiot!

Original poster
UserUser321 · 14/10/2019 10:27

Does anyone have any idea how long the whole process is likely to take?

I’m just really conscious of the length of time he’s going to go no contact with DS and DS forgets who his dad is. It’s totally shit.

OP posts:
CodyBurns · 14/10/2019 10:45

Hi OP, I’m sorry to see that your ex is not willing to step up to the plate and be the father your DS needs and deserves. I agree with other posters that this is about his control over you and he wants to see you dancing to his tune.

The flexibility he is demanding has nothing whatsoever to do with work and everything to do with his desire to ensure you can’t have your own life away from him and make plans for yourself. He sees DS as exclusively your concern and is unlikely to ever be reliable in terms of caring for DS or giving you a break.

You need to disengage. He can see that refusing to have time with DS is a way for him to yank your chain again and again. Don’t let him. Take your power back. Tell him you’ll see him in court but until then he can go swivel.

RandomMess · 14/10/2019 10:47

He may never even bother... I think it is his way of saying "let me see DS as and when I want or I won't see him at all"

You need to take a step back and realise that if your Ex doesn't want to be involved you can't make him.

When contact restarts it can be part of the CO that it is built up again before overnights start etc.

Techway · 14/10/2019 10:56

If he goes to a solicitor promptly then he will get referred for mediation. They are likely to write to you to say this is the case and ask if you are prepared to attend.
All of this depends on how quickly he acts (or doesn't!).

Mediation will have a separate pre meeting with both of you and then a joint meeting. Estimate a few weeks to a month but again dependson how quickly he wants to act.

If mediation fails and that could be one session or two spread over weeks or a month he would have to go back to his solicitor and complete the forms for a court hearing but I think he has to declare PR at this stage so he might fail at the first hurdle.

Once submitted it depends on how busy your local court is but at least 2-3 months usually.At the first hearing it depends on the case he is proposing whether or not additional evidence is required. For example he maybe asked to prove his work schedule but I honestly think in the case of an office worker this wouldn't be needed. Might be appropriate if he was a shift or off shore worker.

Sadly I think he is either looking for a way to drop out of your son's life but blame you in the process or force you to agree to his preferred schedule.
The more he knows you need him for childcare or want him to be involved I suspect he will do the opposite.

No doubt he will be yet another father claiming parental alienation by mum!

Original poster
UserUser321 · 14/10/2019 11:10

@Techway

Thank you for your response. I completely agree that he is looking for a way to drop out of DS life but blame me for it.

I am feeling a lot more positive about things this morning. I have been in touch with UC who have advised they will pay childcare for 2 children on the claim, the 3rd child clause doesn’t apply to childcare. I’ve also been in touch with a nursery which is in the university building next door to my work. The university also has a gym I can use. So I’ll be able to put DS into nursery full time, put my 8 year old into ASC, DD3 is 13 so she can get herself home from school. I can go back to work my 33 hpw and go to the gym on my lunch break. So it’s really not as bad as I thought!

I’m not going to engage with him any further. Thank you all so much for the advice Flowers

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/10/2019 11:14

I am so so so glad you have moved forwards today.

Reverse psychology may work, you stop engaging and he suddenly may want to fight to see DS and you can offer him overnights EOW for one or two nights which would give you a bit of break etc.

Great news about the nursery at UC, the fact you can get to the gym still etc Grin

Have you considered doing the Freedom Programme on line? Help you detect these manipulative waste of spaces for easily!

wibdib · 14/10/2019 11:23

If you have written confirmation from your ex that he is not seeing him at all until the court date, no idea how long that will be but guessing it could be a while, can you send something through to him to say that as he has decided not to see ds that means you are now the resident parent full time so please could he alter maintenance from that date (and before if he hadn’t been around earlier) to reflect that you are providing care 7 days a week and that he needs to contribute towards half of the childcare costs too, to cover his fair share of the cost as maintenance does not include this.

If he is reasonable he will increase the amount he pays you - given that you have written proof that he is the one that has dropped contact thereby increasing all your costs. Assuming he pays the right money - bonus, you have more money.

If he doesn’t agree to pay more - then that is going to be a big black mark in mediation/with the judge - why doesn’t he think he should pay for the time that you have your ds!?

If he makes snarky remarks about not paying towards childcare costs - again gives you ammunition to try to get a contribution towards the costs of childcare when he takes you to court. If he is expecting you to work full time to be able to support yourself and your dc, just as he expects to work then your dcneeds to be somewhere being looked after, so costs will be incurred and it’s reasonable to share them. If he was supporting you to live at home that would be different but it sounds like you have to work in order to survive so he needs to pay his fair share.

Just keep the replies to strengthen your case. And if he replies by calling you, send a message back to him saying ‘just to recap our phone call a moment ago - I was shocked that you don’t believe you need to pay any more maintenance despite refusing to see dc until the matter is settled in court. I am also surprised that you believe you have no responsibility to contribute to child care costs.’ Or something along those lines depending on what he actually says...

Original poster
UserUser321 · 14/10/2019 11:44

I have asked him to get in touch with CMS to adjust maintenance and to help with nursery fees but he’s ignored it.

We’ll see what a judge has to say when he does in front of them and starts pulling out excuses not to have DS at certain times. His loss!!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/10/2019 11:48

Phone CMS yourself and tell them he is no longer seeing DS at all, it's only overnights that are affect calculations anyway. Also I think one a week is discounted anyway so it may make no difference?

Still good to flag it up to them that he is likely to stop paying at some point and direct pay may have to be used...

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 14/10/2019 11:57

He's got no intention of going to court op. He doesn't want to see ds.

Original poster
UserUser321 · 14/10/2019 14:46

Another email - apparently his lawyer has told him to contact me to arrange a routine!!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/10/2019 14:56

Ha ha ha

So his lawyer has told him that there is no way he'll get what he wants.

You need to decide what works for you and him cancelling or dicking about will impact you least.

EOW Friday after nursery until Sunday tea time?

RandomMess · 14/10/2019 14:57

TBH I would refuse to engage from now and tell him to book mediation.

Notmyname1988 · 14/10/2019 15:01

Hes an idiot. Children need stability and routine.