I have a 4 year old DS who means the world to me. He was a very much longed for child and when he finally arrived I did all care for first 3 years. My dh worked nights and I breastfed so I did all bedtimes, feeds etc. Plus I was the one who took him to all doctor appointments, stayed off work when he was ill, etc. We were extremely close and I was always the one he wanted first. I carried him in sling for 3 years and he always felt like an extension of me, sitting on my knee to read books and cuddling in front of the TV. We had no family support and he went everywhere with me. My dh was a good dad but wasn't there as much due to work and childcare just fell naturally on my shoulders which I didn't mind.
Dh has always been 'fun daddy'. He's naturally better than I am at rough and tumble play, and would do all the physical carrying on shoulders etc if we went to the park. In the house he would be better than me at building forts or train sets. I never minded because I was happy with my place in my son's life as primary carer.
Somewhere around my son's 3rd birthday it switched. Suddenly my son wanted daddy to do things for him and it was daddy he wanted at night if he woke, or if he hurt himself. At the time I didn't think anything of it, I just felt perhaps this is normal development and a phase like everything else. Also I'd gone through miscarriage and was tired and quite anxious so sometimes it was beneficial to have someone else take the responsibility. But over a year on I'm still not the one he wants first, I'm often told that 'I love daddy not you'. It does not help that I recently had a baby after a very difficult few years of recurrent miscarriage and then pregnancy. Naturally in my pregnancy I found it tough towards the end to get down on floor with my son and play, or to carry him as much. Now that my baby is here I often have to leave DS playing to feed or to get baby to sleep. So I'm worried this is making it worse as I can't be there for him as readily as I was before.
Has anyone been through this please and is it a phase? I'm so desperately sad. My son cries out for daddy now at night and gets upset if I go instead, where I used to be the one to cuddle him and make the fear or pain go away. I miss my son and I miss the bond we had. I poured my heart and soul into him and I can't bear to think that that's it and he will never want me first ever again. My husband is a good dad and now is home more often due to job change, however I get very resentful of his status as the 'fun one' as I'm on maternity and here all the time, doing all the less fun bits. He is a novelty who arrives home and plays. I'm also the more firm parent as my husband is not great at maintaining boundaries and dealing with bad behaviour.
I've been working hard at making time to play with my son and handing baby yo my husband when he is home so that I can be free to give my son attention, but he is still fixated on daddy.
Will my son ever want me again? I can't bear to think that that's it.