Siblings - bickering or bullying?

[CanAnyMother]

DS1 is recently 6 and in Year 1. DS2 is about eighteen months younger and in reception.

They fight with each all the time. They do also occasionally play together really well, but I would say 90 per cent of the time they interact with each other it is fighting, eg knocking down each other’s towers, snatching toys etc.

DS1 can also be incredibly nasty. He regularly says: “I am better than DS2 at maths/Lego/everything”; “DS2 is a baby, he is so stupid”.

DS2 will thump or kick DS1 (hard), often in retaliation but also unprovoked.

I always intervene when it escalates - and the punishment is a loss of screen time, which they both care about - but I accept a certain amount of “scrapping” as normal.

However I find DS1 meanness really depressing. He is an incredibly competitive child (eg he is very talented at Maths but will say “I am the best at maths in my whole school”) and I wonder if his put downs of DS2 are about an underlying insecurity?

SIL is staying with us and having watched them together suggested therapy. DH who also has a brother 18 months apart, says this is normal and just how boys are.

I really do not want DS1 to keep being so nasty - I think it could be very damaging for DS2. I am also worried that hitting is becoming normal for DS2.

At the moment I am trying to be very consistent with punishments, being very affectionate and loving, and explaining all the time that kindness is the most important thing in our family. But, none of it seems to be helping. (Although worth noting that at school DS1 is the model of good behaviour, and has never been nasty or at all naughty in any way. DS2 is “lively” in school, but not aggressive, just finds it hard to sit still and wants to climb trees/kick a football)

Should we try therapy? Is this normal for brothers? Can anyone suggest anything that would help?!

Thank you!

Intervene when it escalates? What do you mean? I would aim to intervene at the earliest point possible.

I mean that if DS1 says “my tower is better than yours” and DS2 thumps him in return, but then they both go back to building/ignoring each other - I don’t do anything.

If it turns into an ongoing exchange then I intervene. Because I think some scrapping is normal? But perhaps that is where I am going wrong...

DS1 will become massively unpopular at school if he carries in. Other kids will notice and get annoyed. You need to stop him constantly, personally I’d remove him from the game and let him sit out until he can be nice.

My kids are younger and boy/girl, but from what i remember when growing up it sounds fairly normal. I guess its hard to judge without actually seeing it, but you didnt write anything that would have me concerned.

DS1 doesn’t do it at school. He is shy at school, even timid. He is terrible at football, no interest in superheroes etc, and hangs with the other quiet kids.

My 3 boys don’t behave like this with each other (10, 8 and 6) we have drummed into them that they must be kind. Siblings without Rivalry was helpful, but we really consistently reinforce what’s ok and what isn’t.

I would definitely intervene as soon as one hits the other. Make them understand that hitting is never the right response. You need to show DS2 other ways to show his frustration. Re DS1 bragging I would also pull him up if he always says what he does is best. I would say something like you have both built very good towers and it doesn't matter which is bigger DS1 tower might be bigger but DS2 tower is brighter, a nice shape or something similar. Also reiterate that the boys are a team and need to be kind and help each other.

DS and I are 18 months apart. I have very few memories of us getting along - we fought most of the time. Fundamentally, we just didn't like each other! If my parents had considered therapy (if such a thing existed back then), it wouldn't have changed a thing. Many years later we still don't get on. It has massively impacted my mum over the years - she desperately wanted us to be friends, but it probably would have been easier for her to accept we wouldn't be much earlier on. She often blamed my (older) sister for the fallings out. Looking back that really wasn't fair. She was a child, and not much older than me in the grand scheme of things. My advice would be to let them be, treat them as individuals and give them both your time in different ways.

DS = DSIS (obviously!)

Thumping each other isn’t ok. You’re sending mixed signals. Step in when something unkind is said. It’s already escalated when someone gets hit.

I would intervene earlier before it escalates to bragging and hitting and make sure there are consequences for unkind behaviour e.g time out or taking toy away.

I grew up with an awful sister who was like this - the drip drip of negativity is damaging over the years, much more so than the odd thump. Imagine living with someone who's constantly putting you down.

I'd establish an intervention point way further back than hitting, make it clear civility is required - not being best friends, but being kind. And if ds1 doesn't do that, speak in depth about why that is. It's probably an insecurity issue.

I don't see how therapy can hurt, if you can afford it. The siblings without rivalry book is cheap if not!

It's early days so I don't think you should feel too bad OP, it's good you're addressing it.

The drip drip drip of negativity is exactly what I am worried about. I agree, much more damaging than the odd thump. (Which, you are right @Wolfiefan I don’t take that seriously, but rethinking that!)

It hasn’t always been like this, something has changed in the last 6/9 months, and I can’t quite work out what or why.

I will definitely buy the Siblings book. Also I will sit down tomorrow to reiterate the boundaries and requirement of civility to them both.

But before I totally freak out, please sense check for me whether some bickering is normal?

I can’t imagine a world where they have a great/easy relationship all the time, partly because (as per PP) they are very different characters with distinct preferences and personalities. So it seems unrealistic to expect that they would never fight?

Siblings do disagree and wind each other up. Of course. They’re kids! But you need to counter this as much as possible. Step in at the earliest possible moment, play games where you can encourage turn taking etc, model kind behaviour and never tolerate violence.
Sounds exhausting now I’ve typed it. But stepping in as early as possible can help and can make your life easier in the long run.

Yes, of course, there'll be some bickering at times but it sounds like there's a power dynamic going on here with your DS1 feeling entitled to put his brother in his (perceived) place. They're quite close in age so maybe he's a bit unsettled by that, hence the repetitive bragging and belittling 'I'm the best...' etc. DS2 then gets the message that he's somehow lesser. That must make him feel sad and frustrated. He is younger and isn't at the same emotional level so lashing out is possibly his only way of dealing with it.

Being a model of virtue at school is maybe a bit of a strain for DS1 and he's taking it out on his brother at home. Or he's becoming a bully without anyone realising.
Obviously, poor behaviour from either of them needs dealing with but I suspect your focus needs to be on DS1 and why he's behaving this way.

Yes OP some bickering is healthy and normal, I'm sure you're doing a fine job (being prepared to notice and act on problems is a good sign!)