Advice please re: my ten year old

[Steedman1]

Hi, Im looking for advice please, my ten year old son has a group of friends at school, it is the same group he has had since reception, he is not best buddies with any of them, he's more of a floater but gets on well with everyone, they all play football together every lunch time.

My problem is, two of the boys (twins) are having a sleepover party and the whole group of boys are invited, except my son, he is upset and says he doesnt know why he wasnt invited, he had a fall out with one of the twins a while back (over damn football) but they have made ammends now.

The problem I have now is that, all the kids are talking about the party in front of my son, which I know is to be expected, and my son is dealing with it so well, im so proud of him, but my heart is shattered for him.

The party is tomorrow and they are all going straight from school which will leave my son on his own to get home.

The help I need from you is that my heart hurts so much for him that I dont want hin to go into school tomorrow as all the kids will just be talking about the party in front of him and then, at the end of the day, all the boys in his class go to the party and he comes home. My ability to see straight to make the right decision has gone out the window. I have been so worried about hkm, hes such a kind sensitive kid but im guessing will act a bit daft as school like all ten year old but I honestly cant see why he would get left out completely. These are his only circle of friends so I cant encourage him to hang out with other kids.

I feel sick to my stomach about tomorrow and dont know what to do for the best.

What would you do?

Thanks for reading this far.

No advice but that is horrible for him. Could he invite some of the others back next week?

Aw rhats awful, are you not friends with any of the mams so could ask them if they know what the problem is ?

Hi yes we can have a sleep over here in the next couple of weeks but Im not sure what to do about tomorrow. Ive just asked him how he feels about tomorrow and he said he'll just walk away when they start talkjng about it. He is being very matter of fact, its me thar is the mess

I thought about asking the mams but then it makes it bigger than it should be. Im trying to keep a dignified silence but unside im screamig. Parenting is really hard.

Take him out for a treat straight after school if you can.
Cinema, meal, bowling, etc.

Yes agree you could take him out after school to do something fun. It sounds like he's dealing really well with it. Just keep positive 👍

Totally agree a fun thing to do after school will take his mind off it and give him something to brag about to the others next time he sees them. Make it bragworthy!

I wouldn't ask any of the mums about it, they probably don't know any more than you and might be embarrassed. Just carry on as normal as far as you can. Take him somewhere nice.

I'm wondering about the mum who has organised this party, surely she knows one child is being excluded? As a mother, I wouldn't have done that to a child, would prefer to just have a small party with half a dozen kids and some family which wouldn't offend anyone.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate you taking the time. The general consensus seems to be to let him go to school and spoil him afterwards. My heart is telling me to keep him off (but not tell him its anything to do with the party, i have free theme park tickets, I was going to take him there) and I cant hear what my gutt would do because the hearts too loud. He hasnt asked to stay off, he is dealing with it well, much better than me. Im going to have to get a thiker skin with these kids

That is so shit.

You say in your OP that your son will be left on his own to get home.

Are you able to be there to pick him up?

My kids are older now. I've been through it and felt exactly the same way. It does all work itself out and the absolute best thing to do is not to wade in as a parent. The kids all just move on and the resentment in parents still rumbles on. Just be there so he can chat if he needs to. Kids and relationships it breaks our hearts at parents.

Don’t keep him off school! That is not the answer. Yes it’s shit, but he needs to be in school. He sounds like he is handling it really well. Anything you do out of the ordinary highlights your concerns not his. Keep it low key.

Thank you so much, another sleepless night thinking about this!!! Right, im not going to keep him off school, im going to let him get through it himself, but we will have pizza delivered tonight (he is super excited about that as we have never done that before) and I will get the good icecream and he can choose the film (I have a younger son so cinema not an option at night). Im so pleased I came on here, its so great to have an outlet. These kids will be the death of me.

How many are in the group? Maybe each twin was told they could invite, for instance, 2 friends each. It’d mean your son could be their 3rd best friend but wouldn’t be invited. It’s not necessarily that they’ve deliberately excluded him.

Yeah I would understand if it was only a couple, my own son had his party a few weeks back a didnt invite these boys, my son was only allowed four friends plus cousins as he chose a very expensive go kart party (£35 a head) so lots of the boys didnt come, not just the twins. But this party seems to be all the boys, except my son. I am only hearing my sons version though so it may be that not everyone is invited but it certainly appears that way.

Also, im not taking him out of school but I am taking him out half an hour before the end of school for a "dentist" appointment, which will have to be "cancelled" so i'll have to take him for hot chocolate instead. It might not be right but I cant bare that end of the day split.

Ah, that actually sounds like a good compromise to me - he saves a bit of face, that way.

And you have a lovely evening planned.

Don't forget - these things are often much worse for us as parents, kids seem to be able to forget and move on much more quickly.

I can almost guarantee that your kid hasnt been invited because you didnt invite theirs to your sons birthday. Thats pretty much what happens. Im not saying youre wrong to not invite them, but you do break the chain of reciprocal invitations

I almost hope that that is the reason because otherwise I cant figure out why. Now he is a school, in pleased he went. I think he handled it really really well and im so proud, I dont think I handled it well at all and will learn from this. May I should learn how to meditate. I honestly cant thank you all enough. You really helped me get some clarity. Im way too sensitive. X

I agree with branleuse you didn't invite the twins to the go karting. Based on that I'm not surprised he wasn't invited back.

Yeah I think thats what it might be, but my son was allowed three friends, this boy is inviting the whole class, incuding girls, but not my son, seems a bit harsh, they are only kids.

It's a bit late for this idea now as it's pretty much home time, but I would be inventing a dentist appointment and collecting him from class at 14:30!

Yoba - read the thread.

I think you need to work on his resilience. At 10 he's more than old enough to realise that these things happen and deal with it. I don't think you getting worked up about it is good for either of you.

Justmuddlingalong he dealt with it really well, better than a lot of adults would actually, its horrible being ostrasized at any age. He is my while world and I hate seeing him sad, it breaks me, but I dont show him. Anyway, all went well, i picked him up just before the end if the school day, he has mentioned the party a few times and how much fun everyone will be having, its a good life lesson