Y7 / car share nightmare

[Gazelda]

DD started secondary in Sept. knows hardly anyone at new school. We've arranged lift share with two other local girls (walking/bus impossible). DD doesn't know the other 2 girls very well. Each of the 3 sets of parents do 3 or 4 of the drives.

The girls are not getting on. I've told DD they don't need to be besties, just to not be unkind to each other.

But DD is so unhappy. She hasn't made any new friendships, so is sort of relying on the 3 lift share girls to have lunch with. But they keep 'forgetting' to wait for her. Or they ignore her if they see her.

In the car, they ignore her or snap/ridicule her if she tries to make a convo.

They spend the journey on their phones, but DD doesn't have social media so doesn't join in. Part of me wonders whether her not being on social media is holding her back, but another part of me thinks that the min age limit is 13 for good reasons.

What should I do? I'm encouraging her to build a wider network of friends. To join clubs. To ignore the girls' snappiness.

DD wants me to talk to the other lift share parents, but I'm not sure that's the best idea. Should I speak with form teacher to see if she can help DD to build other friendships?

I think it's too early to abandon the lift share arrangement, but will if I have to,

DD texts me from school and it breaks my heart they she's so unhappy.

What should I do, do you think?

That sounds tough. My DD has just started year 7 too and is very gradually starting to make some new friends. It takes time to settle in, especially if she doesn't know anyone else there.

You can't make the other girls be her friends. It doesn't sound like they are particularly nice so actually not really the type of friends she should want anyway.

You can help her make new friends though and give her coping strategies whilst she is in the car with the others.

Joining clubs is a good idea. Do the school run any after school or lunchtime clubs she could join to meet other children in her school year rather than from other schools?

I'd also get her a phone she can play games on. I'm assuming she just has a basic phone for calls and texts. If she had a smart phone, even if she didn't use social media, she could have some apps and games on there to play in the car. That way she wouldn't need to talk to the other 2 and she can keep herself entertained whilst with them. In fact her being engrossed in a game so that she is too busy to engage with them would probably be a good idea. The other girls will either leave her alone or be interested in what she is doing and start a conversation.

Thanks Lindy2. Some really helpful stuff there.

She's joined the after school homework club, but that's a bit of a solitary activity! She's not at all sporty so doesn't want to join the sports clubs in her leisure time.

She's got a smartphone, so games apps is a great idea.

I'm trying to discourage her from being too 'try hard' to make the girls like her. I agree that the best tactic is to just do her own thing and see how it develops. As long as they're not bring unkind to her, I think she can grow to become sufficiently resilient to let it wash over her.

Rather than focusing on these 2, I need her to get her to develop other friendships.

I really feel for you and your dd. My daughter started senior school last year and it was a hard year for her. Our situation is a bit different because she walks to school but similar in that she tried so hard to be friends with not very nice girls. This year has been great though. She has made nice friends, some from her form class and some from after school or lunch time clubs. One thing I always made clear was that any friend was welcome at our house. This might be difficult for you because of the lift share. If logistically possible, I would abandon the lift share, at least for pick up time so if she does want to bring a friend back or if she just wants to hang out at a coffee shop after school or something, she’s not restricted by the lift share.

Thanks Hapagirl. I'm sure it'll get better in time.
I'm going to challenge DD to get the phone number of at least 1 girl in her form by the end of the week. And then see if we can arrange for them to have a meet up in half term.
I'm also going to see if I can find a helpful book we can read together.
I thought I was through the hardest part of parenting, but the emotional stuff is just as challenging as the baby/toddler hard graft!

I know! You just want to protect them forever but you know you have to let them find there own way as well. Good luck!

You cannot force friendships

I was foisted on a popular girl for lift shares at 12, she was kind enough but occasionally exasperated by my nerdiness

Anyway, I think you are expecting too much. See it as a business deal, a transport deal, you are not organising friendships! Why would you even expect them to have lunch together?

About social media, I think you may be isolating her by not allowing it. As far as I know, all secondary aged kids communicate via social media. Banning her will mean you are making it harder for her to fit in.

A really big part of forming friendships now is now social media. There are probably what's app chats for the form and things like that so not allowing it will make it harder for her. With my boys we had agreement that I was allowed to check their social media if I asked. That way if I suspected any bullying or just wanted to check then I could.

I think maybe you've misunderstood me chickenychick. I'm not trying to force friendships. The exact opposite! I'm trying to encourage DD to make other friendships. All I expect is for the girls not to be unkind to each other while in the car.

And I don't expect the other girls to have lunch with DD. But if they make arrangements to do so, I don't think it's a surprise when DD gets upset that they 'forget' and she ends up eating alone.

I'm definitely reconsidering social media. But from what I've seen from parents who allow it, it can be a double edged sword!

Thanks again all for your thoughts. It's good to talk this out.