How can i improve my relationship with Dd1

[nutcracker]

Having just watched little angels i have been forced to admitt to myself that i treat my Dd1 in exactly the same way as that family were treating their son.

I simply can't explain why, but my bond with her is way weaker than with my Dd2 and Ds.

When she was born i loved her but can't say i was overwhelmed with love for her. She was such a good baby but she was very independant which i got used to and in the end expected i think.
I remember when she was about 10mths old she had her first bad cold and sat on my lap for the longest she had ever done. Usually i would pick her up and she would get straight down again.

She was 2yrs1mth when i had Dd2.
Dd2 was a terrible baby and i had PND. Dd2 had terrible sleep prons until 14mths old and as a result would be grumpy during the day in turn making me bloody miserable.
I think this is when i started having probs with Dd1.
Because i was used to her being independant i just left her to get on with things, and focused on Dd2 instead.

What i find hard to understand is why i have a better bond with Dd2 when she caused me no end of probs and still does. Despite what she does I am always ready to give her a hug and talk to her, whereas with Dd1 i literally have to force myself to interact with her in any way.
I tell her off for stupid little things and i know i'm doing it but don't seem to be able to stop.
I do love her i really do, she is so bright, funny and ambitious so why don't i feel the same for her as Dd2 and Ds ???

The worst thing is, that i feel she knows how i feel and that she will hate me forever for being such a horrible mum to her.
She will quite often leave me notes saying 'love you mom', and i know this is because she is insecure and hurting but i don't know how to make it better.

I always seem to be pushing her away and i don't want to.

I feel so terrible writing this but it is the truth and i know i have to get it sorted out before it does her permanant damage, if it hasn't already.

If anyone has any ideas i would be very grateful

Oh also meant to say, this is history repeating itself as my mom was like this with my elder brother and they didn't speak for 10 years.
It worries me that we will end up the same.

I SO love your honesty nutcracker!

I too saw Little angels tonight, and yup.. it had me squirming, re my relationship with dd1 (who's 5)
I do come down heavy on her, and always seem to be angry etc.

Afraid I have no real answers... but I think being aware of the 'problem' is definately the first step...

I will renew my recommendation for counselling, I reckon it can help all areas of your life (as I don't think the relationship with your dd is the whole story is it?)

Wishing you well.. and please believe me, you ARE a good mother (you wouldn't care so much otherwise)and you AREN'T alone...{hugs}

This is the only place i feel i can be honest Unicorn, and thanks for recognising that

Re Counselling, what would it entail, and how do sort it out.

I did have 3 sessions with a psychatrist about 6mths ago but tbh i didn't find them particularly useful as he didn't really seem interested anyway.
He asked me about my parents so i told him a bit about their terrible divorce and then he changed the subjest on to how i was sleeping.

Nutcracker,

I've nothing to add to the excellent advice on here, but just wanted to say well done for posting and for being so frank and honest. I don't think 7 years old is too old to make amends, and would second what the others have said about 'faking it' and making a supreme effort with dd1.

Got a few phonecalls there.
I would try to not be negative (i don't mean give her all her own way on important issues).
I mean unless it's REALLY important, then you back down, she may have seen the princess border as a big thing if she's feeling very vulnerable at the mo.
I DEFINATELY dont think it's too late.

Re counselling I would initially ask your doctor for an NHS referral... (it does't sound like the last experience was much good... and it does very much depend on the counsellor, and how you relate with him/her etc, as to whether it will work.)

If the NHS waiting list is very long (and it usually is)- and you can't afford private, then you could try and find an organisation that trains counsellors. Where do you live?

I know of a London organisation, that takes donations, as opposed to fees.
There may be an equivalent near you.

also .. and I have a friend who is a psychiatrist.. admits they are more concerned about chemical imbalances etc.. and providing the right medication.
Counselling is .. what can I say (without offending) more about listening than prescribing.
HTH

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Thanks again all

Things went o.k this morning, I made a big deal of her eating all her breakfast and her getting dressed quickly. Usually i wouldn't have said anything about it at all.
Gave her a big kiss when she went into school, which i usually do but, i said 'love you, have a good day' and she seemed pleased with that.

I did find it hard a felt like i sounded fake but i don't hink she noticed.

Unicorn i live in Brum.

Am just about to post on my other thread about my trip to the docs today.
Basically the doc wants me to try a few things before we go for either medication or counselling.

Nutcracker - di you see little ANgels last night they had a 6 year old boy o there who the parents thought was the devils spawn (he certaibly did look like it to begin with) but his problem was that the mum had in her head that the child was bad and all she ever did was tell him not to do things or criticise what he did do - this kid spent more time in his room or on time out than he did in a normal environment - the therapist lady said that especially the mum needed to reinforce everything he did well (to the degre that she sounded like a childrens entertainer) and try and make sure that througout the day she made time to give him hugs and kisses and tell him she loved him.

This awful child went completely the other way - he drew a picture at the start whoch showed him and his parents and siblings and it was full of hate and rage and then at the end his picture was one of a happy family - he said he felt that his mum liked him more and made more time for him and wasn;t alwas telling him off or concentrating on the other kids.

I/m not saying you ignore DD or treat her harshly but I was stunned at the difference it made inthe little boy - I started watching the programme thinking it was obviously the little boy who had the problem when like most of the other programmes it was just the method of parenting.

Yes i did Twinkie that was what prompted my post as i realised my relationship with dd1 was like that (not quite as bad though).

Hopefully i can turn things around like they did.

As my dd is quite hard work due to her special needs and takes up a lot of my time I make a conscious effort once she is in bed to talk to ds (who is nearly 7). We have a cuddle and a chat and I love it. The other night he got upset and said he felt sad as before dd arrived we had more time with each other. I explained that dd has special needs and does need more attention but that didn't mean I loved him any less. Those 15 minutes mean so much to me and ds and sometimes it can run up to an hour. It's my time with just him and we both really enjoy it and benefit from it!

nutcracker, it sounds to me like you need to set up a different dynamic (like in the tv show...i didn't see it) with you and your dd1. I wonder why you let your dd2 have the princess border and not your dd1. Would it really have mattered if they both had the same border? It may also be worth considering that your dd's have different needs, so although you may spend equal time with them doing their homework, in fact dd1 may really need (emotionally if nothing else) more time than dd2. I think part of the trick to dealing with it is to really remember that they are people with personalities. And just like adults in the real world, they do need to be treated as individuals. There is no point in expecting your dd1 to sit in your lap if that's not how she works. It doesn't mean that she loves you less, and therefore is less deserving of your love. She just has a different way of expressing her love and therefore may need a different expression back. I worry a little about the idea of "faking it" as to me that implies a sort of blind effort. I think it might be worth trying to figure out what it is that your dd1 is looking for attention-wise and trying to give that to her simply because she wants it and not because you are trying to turn it into a fake expression of your love for her. Just the fact that you are giving her something that she is asking for that you wouldn't instinctively give her, is a sign that you love her. I'm babbling a little, but I wonder if that makes sense. For example, if your dd1 seems to want you to say "I love you" more often than you would naturally say it as an expression of your love, than say "I love you" because it pleases her, not because you think that you are fooling her into thinking that you love her more because you are saying it.

I wonder if it wouldn't be worth contacting Relate and seeing if they couldn't recommend someone to help. My dh and I visit a relate counsellor periodically to work out bits and pieces that come up in our marriage. But he also sees the same counsellor regularly to deal with his own issues. The counsellors are generally trained in family relations.

I admire your desire not to repeat the mistakes of your parents. Keep strong, your heart is in the right place.

Nutty - have only just noticed this thread - dont know how I could have missed it. I really admire you for having the courage to post about this - I didn't. I feel exactly the same about my dd1. She was a very difficult baby and I had PND, although it was undetected. I remember looking at her in hospital and feeling completely detatched, wondering what on earth I had done. I saw other mothers cuddling their babies, and I really wanted to run away. It was so awful, because I thought no-one else could possibly feel like that and I was just a terrible mother.

However, I feel completely different about my other 3 - bonded with them all immediately. It is very difficult when I automatically hug and kiss my 3 younger dds, but have to make myself do the same for dd1. And yes, she does feel it, much as I try not to let it show. She is more demanding of affection than the others, and I have to be so careful around her. She is 11 now, and I have found it helps to make time specifically for her without the others being around - shopping trips etc. I have to make sure that we spend time communicating, because we have a tendency to clash (she is very like me, which I think is a major factor in all this). I do worry about how she will feel about me in later years, but I can only hope that I have managed to give her as much love and attention as the rest to counteract the lack of initial bonding between us.

Muminamillion, your relationship with your Dd1 sounds exactly like mine with dd1.

We do clash, and i agree it is hard to see how someone can clash with a 6yr old but we do believe me.

SofiaAmes - TBH I don't think that when i am hugging her or kissing her that I am faking it, i'm just having to think about it more as i wouldn't perhaps instinctivly do it.
The prob with her having the same border as her sister was that she had previously said she hated that one and was only saying she wanted it because hers was out of stock. I couldn't afford to let her have it and then change her mind.

As i said she is very bright and has always acted older than her years, and can be very cheeky and headstrong.

I am still working on it and trying to find some way of spending time alone with her.

I'll keep you posted

Thanks for sharing your story muminamillion, I know it is hard to do.

Nutcracker, just wanted to add that you are not alone.

My dd is nearly 7 and we clash terribly, she is too much like me, ds however, is very much like his dad, very calm and placide.

I find it very hard sometimes to feel the same way about dd, ds comes and cuddles me, he's a good sleeper, he's really sweet. My dd has a attitude and you have to book a cuddle with her as she doesn't let you into her space. I know she wants me, but I think that she thinks that I may reject her for him (I wouldn't) so she just acts up instead to gain a reaction.

She thinks I favour my ds over her, and to be honest I do favour his behaviour but not the person. I love them both very dearly.

I always felt the odd one out when I was growing up, my sister did everything better and I got blamed for everything (I was the youngest of 3) even now I feel as if I haven't reached the standard expected of me, because of her attitude she has more negative than positive reaction from me.

My dd goes to ballet, she very talented and confident in certain situations, but in others she is not, I hope she doesn't feel the way I did when I was little.

Sometimes I leave ds behind with dh on a Saturday and go into town after ballet and go to the cafe for lunch and she loves it, she has asked for money for her birthday so she can go shopping with me. I know with a little encouragement she would crack this hard exterior she has and want to be with me more, at the moment I just think that when she is older, she is going to have no respect for me and not treat me as someone she can come to with problems.

The other day, she told me about the fact that she had kissed a boy at school and she loved him, I reacted by saying that she shouldn't do it and not bother with boyfriends, she looked so upset, she had come to me for advise and I just told her it was not a good thing to do, next time something else happens she may feel as though she can't tell me anything.

I'm sorry, I'm waffling and Ive gone off track a little. It's just so hard being a mum at times.

Blimey Gold we have the same child.

Dd1 always seems to want more affection too but then when you try and give it too her you can tell she is very uncomfortable and she'll quickly move.

Dd1 likes going out with me alone and we do sometimes go shopping after ballet too, but for some reason the last few time dd has had a tantrum over really silly things and i've ended up shouting at her.

She needs some new jeans so i think i'll take her again after ballet on saturday and see how we go. Might go for a coffee first and ask her where she woulds like to go e.t.c

You are right to it is hard being a mom sometimes. Mind you i suppose we will always feel we are doing something wrong by one of them.

My mom sometimes comments on Dd1's behaviiour and i have to admitt that i sometimes wonder if i will be bale to cope with her when she is a teenager as she doesn't seem to have any respect for me or be bothered about getting into trouble.

nutcracker, I must say I am exactly in the same position, but from the DD's point of view.
I have always been the one who was more independent, and my brother(2 yrs younger) needed more help with everything, more attention etc.
I'm not going to repeat what you said...with me, exactly what you describe with your DD happened...my mum has never tried to make us get closer ( or maybe I have never picked up on it), and as a result, we are not close now at all. We do talk, we never fight, he help a lot with my baby, so on the surface, everything is fine..except we are not close, I cannot share my feeling with her, and I miss her. She misses me too, I'm sure. Also, not being close to my mum and parents has reflected all through my life. I never made any friends, never went out with guys just for fun, I have always looked for 'serious', meaningful, close relationships. Also, as I have never asked my parents' and my mum's opinion and advice, I have made some pretty awful mistakes, especially education-wise. I am jealous of my brother, as his life seems to be easier with all the help he has been getting from my parents. By help I mean purely advice and closeness, as I do, and have been getting a lot of help financially and materialistically. The bottomline is, I know my parents love me, I do love my parents, it's just that hug and closeness that I/we miss very much... sorry for being long and confusing...all I'm saying is that do try very very hard to give all the hugs, time and whatever it takes to get close to her and to get to know her.

Think that child has become the trinity!! Can relate to so much of what you have said Golds. It is a relief to know that I am not alone in this - I have felt like such a bad parent at times for this lack of bonding. Maybe it is a lot more common than I previously thought.

Seems to be Muminamillion.

Hill - Thanks for telling us that. Does sound sad and i hope me and my dd can become closer soon.