How can i improve my relationship with Dd1

[nutcracker]

Having just watched little angels i have been forced to admitt to myself that i treat my Dd1 in exactly the same way as that family were treating their son.

I simply can't explain why, but my bond with her is way weaker than with my Dd2 and Ds.

When she was born i loved her but can't say i was overwhelmed with love for her. She was such a good baby but she was very independant which i got used to and in the end expected i think.
I remember when she was about 10mths old she had her first bad cold and sat on my lap for the longest she had ever done. Usually i would pick her up and she would get straight down again.

She was 2yrs1mth when i had Dd2.
Dd2 was a terrible baby and i had PND. Dd2 had terrible sleep prons until 14mths old and as a result would be grumpy during the day in turn making me bloody miserable.
I think this is when i started having probs with Dd1.
Because i was used to her being independant i just left her to get on with things, and focused on Dd2 instead.

What i find hard to understand is why i have a better bond with Dd2 when she caused me no end of probs and still does. Despite what she does I am always ready to give her a hug and talk to her, whereas with Dd1 i literally have to force myself to interact with her in any way.
I tell her off for stupid little things and i know i'm doing it but don't seem to be able to stop.
I do love her i really do, she is so bright, funny and ambitious so why don't i feel the same for her as Dd2 and Ds ???

The worst thing is, that i feel she knows how i feel and that she will hate me forever for being such a horrible mum to her.
She will quite often leave me notes saying 'love you mom', and i know this is because she is insecure and hurting but i don't know how to make it better.

I always seem to be pushing her away and i don't want to.

I feel so terrible writing this but it is the truth and i know i have to get it sorted out before it does her permanant damage, if it hasn't already.

If anyone has any ideas i would be very grateful

Oh also meant to say, this is history repeating itself as my mom was like this with my elder brother and they didn't speak for 10 years.
It worries me that we will end up the same.

Oh Nutcracker - I'm so sorry - for you and for your DD1

Not really big on advice in this type of area - don't feel like I always get things right IYSWIM

But on a general basis, I'm a great believer in the 'faking it' approach. This basically means that you force yourself to be the type of mum you would really want to be for her. Get a clear picture in your mind of you being her dream supermum. Once you've got the vision in your head then you just act like you are her... all the time.

The idea is that over time you normalise this behaviour, and of course she responds to it too, then after a while, you find yourself doing it sometimes without having to try and eventually it becomes everyday normal behaviour and you don;t think of being anything but super mum.

I do this when DH and I are going through rough patches and I'm a bit fed up with him. Works every time (and usually only takes a couple of weeks or so)!

Good luck - I think recognising the problem and being prepared to write it here and share it with us all, is a major step to sorting things out

Nutcracker - this must be very difficult for you. I know it sounds obvious but you need to spend more 1-on-1 time with her. Can you maybe do a few simple things together like a puzzle or drawing or even try to regularly go out together just the two of you? Do you read to her before bed? - this is usually a good time for a nice warm time together?

I mean that I act as DH's superwife not his supermum

message withdrawn

No offers of ideas but sending you big {{{{{}}}}}

Hugs nutcracker - hugely brave thing to come on and say and Im sure not too much of a rare problem - I can relate to feeling a little detached from my DD at times.

Just want to give you a big hug and agree about looking for ways to be positive whenever you come and hopefully when you spend time really looking for the good things you will start to enjoy them more and it will all come naturally?

((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))))

Sometimes I feel guilty for being more interested in ds (10 months) than dd (4). I didn't realise but I often do as Soapbox suggested - I force myself to spend time with her and find I do enjoy it even if it was initially forced through guilt IYSWIM.

ahem

that should read whenever you can!

I really do want to improve thing between us, as i'd hate her to think i don't love her (i'm sure thats exactly what she thinks).

I will try all the suggested things thanks.

I have never told anyone else this, and wouldn't of been surprised if someone had said i was horrid, so rthanks for that.
Don't know what i'd do without MN some times.

I've got to add my bit here. I have two sons. I love them both. I beat myself up every day about the fact that I feel DIFFERENTLY about ds1 and ds2. ds1 was a difficult birth. ds1 is a difficult, demanding and incredibly independent toddler. ds2 was a fantastic birth. ds2 is a happy, placid little lad. In short, ds2 is EASIER to love than ds1. ds1 is a complicated litte lad. I feel the difference every day and it taunts me. I wish that feeling would go away.
I am one of three children. I was stuck on the middle (G,G,B). I was 'spare' girl and have felt that all my life. My sister was the oldest. My brother was the only boy and the youngest, and I was the 'spare' girl.
I think that maybe, deep down, I over compensate for the fact that my littlest might be middle child; we want three or four kids.
I am an educated person and have worked out that no mother-child bond can be identical to the next mother-child bond, but that they are simply a DIFFERENT bond.
Don't beat yourself up over it. Half the battle is KNOWING and understanding the way you feel. Over-compensate for your daughter as it is clear that you love her very much. Take time out to spend more time with her. Take extra time to cuddle her.
Please don't let history repeat itself - that suggests we never learn from life's mistakes. You sound like a very, very caring and loving mother. X X

Thanks CharleyFarley.

Thats quite interesting what you say about being the middle child as i was too and did often feel like a spare part, so perhaps thats why i over induldge Dd2.

Lovely post CharleyFarley

Maybe if it's hard to get time properly on your own with her you could engineer something like putting the other two in front of CBeebies whilst you and dd1 baked a cake or something? Even if you have to force yourself to do it, try to keep it going, once a week or something. Don't know if that would work, butI think a combination of pretending and really trying to find something that you and she do together on a regular basis should help.

Poor you, you're having such a tough time.

nutcracker, how old is she?
If she's feeling that you don't get quality time, how about extending just her bedtime even for 15 minutes and explaining to all that it's because she's the oldest but telling just her that you'd like some time with her with the littlies in bed??

nutcracker, how old is she?
If she's feeling that you don't get quality time, how about extending just her bedtime even for 15 minutes and explaining to all that it's because she's the oldest but telling just her that you'd like some time with her with the littlies in bed??

nutcracker, how old is she?
If she's feeling that you don't get quality time, how about extending just her bedtime even for 15 minutes and explaining to all that it's because she's the oldest but telling just her that you'd like some time with her with the littlies in bed??

The prob with trying to get time on my own with Dd1 is that Dd2 always wants to come too, and i give in to her.

Whereas if it were the other way around i wouldn't give in to Dd1.

Oh it sounds soooo awful. How on earth did i end up like this.

Could you put dd2 to bed half an hour earlier than dd1? I think you said dd2 gets tired now she's at school (or maybe I've got the wrong dd!) so you could just have a cuddle with dd1 and read to her?

She is nearly 7 Angeliz and i was thinking that very thing the other day, but i think i may have to wait until they are in seperate rooms to do that.

Meant to say that i do take her to ballet every sat morning, although we go with a friend and her dd so not exactly on our own.
A couple of times i have taken her shopping or to the library after and it always endfs in disaster, mainly i think because she gets overwhelmed with the extra attention and then starts to play up.

At the mo they both go at 7:30 so when dd1 is in her won room i could change her bedtime to 8pm i guess.

We have even come to blows over her new room as i let dd2 have the disney princess border and i wouldn't let dd1 have the same.
She takes any negativity from me very badly, which obviously uis my own fault.

Do you think it is too late to repair things properly ??? I mean she is nearly 7 surely she will remember how things were between us.

Didn't mean that to sound like it was too late so i wasn't going to bother as i will never give up.

No! Definitely not too late. Think of the wee boy on Little Angels tonight- he was 6.5 wasn't he? I think you have to just make a big effort- recognise it isn't going to come naturally, accpet it, and just force yourself. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but I think soapbox is right, it will just become normal behaviour.

Just signed in and not read the whole thread, Nutty, so NOT too late to make amends.

OK she didn't get what her sister wanted and got.

Can you set aside 4 some time with just her and go shopping. Go to the Poundshop lots of lovely bargains, buy her a few bits and pieces, and even if you don't like thiem, let her have them.

Then biuld bridgers. With all the other advice go from there

i strongly agree with the faking it thing that Soapbox suggested too. I went through a similar patch of feelings about my ds1 for a year or 2. I realised I was doing it but couldn't stop being more irritated by him and less affectionate towards him than ds2. I worked really hard to pretend I felt the same because I decided that the one thing I didn't want was for him to realise how i felt. With time the faking became real. By showing him positive feelings he reponded to me more positively and we started to enjoy each other's company. Looking back I can't belive how I felt. Now I love my beautiful boys very differently but I could never tell you I love one more or less than the other. Even if pretending stays pretend you are still doing your dd a favour by making the effort.