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Original poster

Step daughters father questionable behaviour

22 replies

GreatStepDad · 03/10/2019 23:00

Hi,

I’m new here, so forgive me if this has been covered.
I have a beautiful 12 year old step daughter, who I have a fantastic relationship with.
She told me tonight that he often says horrid things about me (I’m lazy, why does she like me...etc), but moreover, when he drops her off at our house just before we finish work, he roams our house and goes through all our rooms.
I truly don’t care about him bad mouthing me, but I can’t stand that he is invading our private space and snooping around our house. I can’t confront him, as my stepdaughter trusts me enough to tell me these things, and if I said anything to him, it would come back on her.
I feel that all I can do is be aware, but am not in a position to actually do or say anything.
He actually be detrimental to himself, as his daughter recognises that he is saying nasty things about me that are untrue, but it’s the position that he is putting her in that really boils my blood.
I realise that he is most probably just jealous of the family structure that we have (he has a girlfriend and stepdaughter now), but I just don’t know what to do. Obviously I would never do anything that would put my step daughter in an awkward position or betray her trust in me.
I need advice on how to handle this. I know the majority of answers will be to just turn the other cheek, but I’d just like to hear any advise that this famous forum has to offer.
By the way, he and my wife divorced 11 years ago and we have been married for 7 years.
Looking forward to any and all advise.
Thanks

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/10/2019 23:02

Who is allowing him to do that?! Is her mother allowing it? If so bloody tell her to cut it out.

Original poster
GreatStepDad · 03/10/2019 23:08

No, he drops her off at our house when we are both at work. She’s 12, so ok on her own for a short period of time. He’s wandering our house when we are out, and my daughter is there, her feeling very awkward about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreatStepDad · 03/10/2019 23:10

My step daughter is there, I meant to say. She isn’t my daughter

OP posts:

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Dawninglory · 03/10/2019 23:14

I would say he has to wait until either yourself or wife are home before he drops her off.

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/10/2019 23:14

You need to speak to your wife OP.

HeddaGarbled · 03/10/2019 23:14

TBH, I think the only way to stop this is for either you or your wife to be at the house when he drops her off.

Original poster
GreatStepDad · 03/10/2019 23:16

My wife and I agree with what I said in my original post, but sometimes there is no other option than for him to drop her off at our house.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreatStepDad · 03/10/2019 23:17

We both work full time, so it’s not always feasible to be in the house at that time.

OP posts:
9Greenbottles · 03/10/2019 23:20

Install cctv on front door then question why he has gone into the house - no comeback on your stepdaughter then.

Original poster
GreatStepDad · 03/10/2019 23:23

Hmm CCTV, that may be an option. Just a sad thought that I’d have to go that far.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 03/10/2019 23:26

Get a ring doorbell.
You can watch him then and talk to him through the doorbell.
I’d also lock the bedroom doors and tell
Your stepdaughter it’s a security measure.

MachineBee · 03/10/2019 23:30

If your DSD is uncomfortable with him doing this you can help her develop strategies to tell him not to do this. They will be useful life skills for her. I’d discuss with your DW first though. If you can do this together, it’ll spread the load.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/10/2019 23:36

Can one of you take a day off to confront him in person next time.
Also can't you say to DSD that she is to say nobody is allowed in.

MzHz · 03/10/2019 23:37

If you and your wife take turns for a few weeks to make sure that you’re in when she’s dropped off, you can open the door to her and let her in. Then you tell him that he’s not entitled to enter or root through your home, so drop her at the door and that’s sufficient, that you’ll be telling her you’re telling him this and that you’re sure he won’t make her uncomfortable by pressing her to allow him to do something he’s not entitled to do.

You then tell her that she’s to say goodbye to him at the door, that he’s been taking advantage of the situation to overstep the mark.

Skittlesandbeer · 03/10/2019 23:58

Definitely time for a camera. Even a fake one, above the front door. It’ll take the feeling of responsibility off the girl’s shoulders.

Save your energies when it comes to ‘I can’t believe people aren’t nicer’. Just deal with them as you find them. You can’t influence other people’s boundaries or give them a moral code. Just create your own firm boundaries, then police them.

And be glad that at least you are providing a good role model in your stepdaughter’s life- one of integrity and kindness. Someone should.

I’m not as nice as you. I’d probably tell the girl that we’d installed internal cameras months ago, with automatic motion sensors. That the system gets turned off when you get home at night. So you’d been aware of her dad’s snooping but didn’t want to embarrass her. Emphasise she’s out in trouble. Let her tell him.

Original poster
GreatStepDad · 04/10/2019 00:02

I appreciate all the advice, but confronting him, or suggesting in any way that I know what he is doing will only come back on my step daughter. He’s a bit of a dick. Trust me, I’m no wallflower, and I would love nothing more than to get him told straight, but I respect my step daughters trust more than my instinct to confront him.
Think I’ll install a wall mounted cctv at the top of the stairway. That should be pretty obvious if he feels like snooping again.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreatStepDad · 04/10/2019 00:07

Cameras already installed and I’ve caught him without any apparent intervention from my stepdaughter. That is a very interesting idea.

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 04/10/2019 00:26

Tell him you have been replacing/fixing (in case he checks) cctv in the garden and you have seen him wandering around upstairs and at the windows etc. and he needs to stop being so bloody rude.

MachineBee · 04/10/2019 13:45

Looks like you have your solution. Time to tell him to stop it and let your DSD know you have her back.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 04/10/2019 23:46

Where does he go? Could you take a half day and go and lie down in bed if he is coming upstairs and he will get a shock?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 04/10/2019 23:46

As I pretend to be ill and dont tell SD

Nonmotherof3 · 05/10/2019 18:06

Questionable? Its down right rude. Id be livid! I have a key to my best friends house and wouldnt do that!!

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