Punishment for 12 year old dd

[HowLuckyAmI]

Dd is 12 and up until 2 months ago she was a lovely girl. Recently her behaviour towards me and her father is not on.
An example a few weeks ago it was her younger siblings birthday, she spent the whole day trying to ruin it for him in the end we had to cut the celebrations short because her behaviour was just awful and poor ds was upset.
She doesnt have a TV in her room as isnt interest in watching programmes but does have a mobile phone which she is glued to. So we took her phone off her as a punishment for a whole week. This seemed to work, she apologised to her brother for ruining his birthday and to us for her behaviour and helped do chores etc. A week later her phone was returned.
Two nights ago dh noticed she hadn't been doing her homework after she has had the laptop and resources to do this and we always try to help if she asks. She had the laptop in her room for 3 hours. Turned out she hadn't even gone on to the website where the school show what homework she has. Instead had been watching YouTube videos on make up!!
A conversation took place between Dh and her as I was cooking dinner and she started swearing at him calling him every name under the sun. Nearly reduced her father to tears. I shouted at her and sent her to her room again taking the phone away with no intention of giving it back anytime soon.
She kicked off, pushed one of her sisters down three steps, called me a c### and went to bed. We both went to talk to her, she carried on being rude. Tried talking again separately and she wasnt having none of it. Yesterday morning she woke up late by 10 minutes. So was rushing around doing her hair and getting dressed. I asked her simply if she wanted any breakfast before school, I got screamed at that the reason she goes to breakfast club is to eat so I was stupid for asking her. (She doenst need to go to breakfast club she goes there to socialize with her classmates before school where sometimes they have a hot drink before lessons start) I told her her attitude towards me and her family is disgusting and we would talk when she got home from school.
Dh text her to tell her to sort her act out and she ignored him.
After school she came home to a lovely tidy house she said she was hungry so i said she could make a snack whilst I picked the other DC up from school. I came home 30 minutes later to a trashed house. I thought we had been burgled. Everything was out of the drawers, clothes all over the living room and stairs, TV blaring some rubbish on Netflix and hair straighteners had been left on for some time and could smell burning. I called for dd but she had gone out and not properly locked the front door.
I phoned her to tell her to get home right away and was told basically to f off and she will be back when she is ready. Dh had to go out looking for her. We've tried calming talking it hasn't worked, we've screamed and shouted but that hasn't worked either.
The only thing she has that means anything to her is her phone, although she still hasn't been allowed it back after the way she spoke to dh the other day.
She doenst have any real friends, she has people who she hangs out with at school lunchtime but that's it, doenst play out or go to anyones house. She also doenst attend any after school clubs etc although we have encouraged her to socialize more and make friends she doenst seem interested. So can not punish her from going out.
We have a big family holiday coming up and to be honest it's making us feel like we shouldn't go, just because her behaviour is so uncontrollable. The other children in our house are picking up on it and its slowly talking its toll on them. I dont want them thinking it's okay to behave like that or to be walking on egg shells with her.
Spoken to the school, says she is fine and a perfect child.
My question is what else can we do to punish her? ?

Well what happened 2 months ago?
Before you focus so much on punishment you should try and figure out why.

No child that is lovely and kind goes to calling her mum a cunt and pushing siblings down the stairs in two months for no reason.

You need to find out the reason and odds are all the shouting,blaming and punishing won't make her open up.

Until then clear boundaries , let some of the small stuff go and focus on the big ones. Give her praise and attention when she does get it right.

I was just about to ask the same question. What happened two months ago? Something has gone on op and you need to get to the root of it. It sounds to me like your DD is in turmoil and punishment is not the way forward.

Honestly, you need to move away from punishment. You're at rock bottom, you can't take away anything more and she has nothing to lose.
Find something she likes and ways of doing it with her, so she gets bonding time, get her in clubs she likes for the social aspect.
Go back to toddler basics. Ignore the bad, greyrock the rudeness - I can't understand you until you use words nicely (ad infinitum), and catch her being good (even the basic obvious stuff).
Plus - find someone she's close too (grandparent/aunt/family friend) and ask them to take her out for a special day and try and probe about what happened two months ago.

Nothing has changed at home at all.
Dh and I have sat going through everything she done over the summer, leading up to school starting and then actually returning to school. Nothing bad has happened at home, she has said she isnt being bullied which was my first instinct. Have spoken to the school a few times since the new school year and they said they will keep an eye on her but says she happy enough and is not falling behind.
We generally can not think of any reason why she could change just like that.

School have offered her a place at an activity she would of loved to go to before the change in behaviour. She has turned it down. Despite us telling her it would do her the world of good to do the activity she enjoys and make friends. Shes firmly said no!
I took her out last weekend as she wanted to spend some money she had left over from the summer. It was just us two, she spent her money on clothes and hair products. I paid for lunch for us both. Then as soon as we got home she said she hated the clothes she picked and paid for and said she wish I hadn't bothered. She loves football dh has taken her to her favourite football teams home ground for a tour and then a game. Again just them two she was fine loved the game but got home and walked through the door and started on her younger siblings.
She is a child that doesnt seem interested in much it's always been the case with her despite us trying new things and encouraging her.

Thank you for the replys.
I agree we are focussing on the bad behaviour but we have asked her every possible question as to why she has changed so dramatically.
She just says "no" to everything we say or suggest.

I think something must have happened for her behaviour to change so dramatically. Was it end of last term? Has she put on weight ( I ask because of the clothes)? Has she lost weight? I thunk you need help. Shouting is never the answer but I know how frustrating it is

Also, kids tend not to admit they are being bullied.

I had same question....
What happened recently? (Not everything happens at home)
Plus another
If she has no friends, then where does she go when she goes out?

Something isn’t adding up too with her showing no interest in things she used to love.

I hate to say this but her acting out might be to get attention because something is really bothering her but she feel like she can’t tell you.

Has she met some new friends who could be a bad influence on her? Where did she go when she just went out leaving the straighteners on?

Her weight has remained the same, she has started to eat rubbish instead of actual meals. Usually isnt fussy but has started complaining she doesnt like anything that we make.
We've tried involving her with cooking but she storms off about 5 minutes in.
Shouting is not something we do a lot I'm not saying we are perfect parents but we do try to talk things through with all the children when there is a problem rather than shouting but yes sometimes it is frustrating and gets too much.

Hormones.
I was a vile teenager. Found it so difficult to manage my emotions. The only thing that helped in end was the pill.

Read Divas and Doorslammers by Charlie Taylor. In it he says that the adolescent brain is actually rewiring - real changes are happening - and this often means they lose some abilities like impulse control, temper control, sense of proportion, empathy etc. He describes it as a temporary form of brain damage - but it is temporary - when the changes are done, these abilities, by and large, come back.

I definitely saw this with ds3 (ds1 and ds2 had their moments but ds3 was a nightmare at times) - and he has come out the other side and is now a nice, pleasant, polite 22 year old.

In the meantime, you do need to deal with with the bad behaviour - but I think it helps if you understand why they have turned like gremlins that have been fed meat and got wet!

Dh found her at the park about a ten minute walk away. She was sitting on a bench alone. She came home quietly with him.

She sounds so sad.
I hope you find a way for her to open up to you.
Would she talk to you if you went in to chat before bed?

Sounds as though she might possibly have suffered a trauma. As pps have suggested, this could be related to bullying. Possibly she could have been attacked? Or is somebody blackmailing her? Another possibility (hopefully it isn’t this) is perhaps she could have been abused? I don’t want to alarm you by saying that, but feel it could be a possibility.

I agree you need to find out what’s up. She sounds like she has very low self-esteem, and I wonder if she might confide in you if you can build that up a bit, and reassure her that she is loved? Did she used to confide in you? Another possibility is to see if she will open up to a therapist. But of course this is £££, as i’m guessing she wouldn’t meet the threshold for NHS help

I found right through my DCs childhoods that when they had a phase of deteriorating behaviour, they were demonstrating they were ready for a bit more responsibility/freedom. So I'd give it to them and the behaviour resolved quickly. So, you could have given her a role in the planning/execution of DS's birthday for example.

That said, even now, at 16 & 18yo (not really sure how I'm still getting away with it) none of us have electronic devices of any kind in the bedrooms. Any homework requiring the laptop was done at the kitchen table.

How did you phone her if you hadn't given her phone back ?

That is a drastic change and to be honest she sounds a bit lost and lonely. The stuff about the clothes is insecurities.

She hasn't really found anywhere she fits in it sounds like.

I would be really worried about her phone. Teenagers desperately want to fit in and sometimes do really dangerous and serious stuff to try too.

My dd went through hell between 12-15. She literally changed over night. School was not a happy place for her.

There was lots of very dangerous scenarios and a desperate lack of self confidence. In the end I took her to counselling and went with her. Really I did have to go back to basics and love bomb her.

Punshiment didnt work it just pushed her away even more and completely fractured our relationship.

Does her school have like pastrol care? So a student counselling?

You took her phone away 2 days ago; yet DH text her in the morning, and you phoned her to find out where she was?

Did you go through her phone when you had it?
I would be going through all her chats.

I feel your pain OP, Dd13 is exactly the same, we've tried everything, she hangs out with some bad influences I'm afraid and we're trying to manage that and her hormones are absolutely raging, perfect storm so she's angry all the time, myself and DH have put up with the name calling, laziness etc, I used to get angry with her because her attitude was outrageous, now I'm just ignoring it and trying to ride it out and hope she gets bored with trying to piss us off at every opportunity, at least your DD is being good at school which is more than I can say for mine so the school have brought in a behavioural counselor, she's only had 2 sessions so far so we're hoping they can work with her as she's definitely not listening to us, it's so hard but we have to hang in there for her sake! Oh and she also ruined our summer holiday so I'm wary of taking her anywhere at the moment, I don't know what's going on with kids at the moment, it's such a worry, I hope everything works out for you!

Can I suggest something we have done with our 11 year old?
It's a communication book.

We write to him in it, so he can read our words without him shouting or interrupting etc.

He can then write back and so on and so on.

Once the written dialogue has begun, we sometimes move onto conversation - or sometimes it can be sorted within the book.

We have found he can better articulate himself this way, and we also feel heard.

We also add in positive thoughts and random letters telling him we are proud etc.

He can still be a total shit sometimes, don't get me wrong, but it definitely helps!

Also..... looking back over the conversations from his old communication book is very funny! --Even if he did rip it in two

If you took the phone off her, how did you manage to text her and ring her?

This sounds like a dramatic change in her behaviour and she sounds sad and confused.

I think there is going to be more to this than just bad behaviour and it may take some time but you need to find out what is going on for her.