I struggle to co-parent

[Chillisauceboss]

I'm in a happy loving relationship with my lovely DH who is father to our 15 month old.

However I find it incredibly hard / impossible to compromise on parenting decisions.

Things we've clashed on in the past -
Sleep training
Dummies
Feeding - BLW or traditional weaning
Childcare options - Nanny / nursery / childminders
'Discipline' - I say this lightly as baby is still small, think repetitive food throwing at mealtimes
Should child start at age 5 instead of 4 at school (late summer born)

How do you cope with making these decisions in a partnership? I find once I have done some research or made an instinctive decision I just can't take on an opposing opinion or point of view.

Obviously this is me being unreasonable!!! Any tips for harmonious parenting when things don't go my way!!

Before anyone attacks me I'm not mean, I don't belittle him and I do compromise, I'm not bratty or spoilt I just struggle with going against a childcare option that I have put good reasearch and thought into!

compromise?

does it have to be exclusively BLW or traditional? why cant you do a bit of both? we did.

Sleep training - is there good reason for it? can you go for a less brutal method if that's the issue? it not sleep training causing one or both parents to suffer?

dummies - do you really need to have an argument about that?

all this seems like stuff one of you is getting het up about with probably no good reason.

Childcare is a big one, but you are both probably going to compromise. I'll guess that you want a nanny and your husband doesn't? could be very wrong so if I am sorry!

You say it as if you put research and thought into everything and your husband does not... is that how you feel?

oh and why are you even thinking about starting school a year later or not when your child is 15 MONTHS old?

youll know whether theyre ready or not closer to the time, there is literally no point even having that conversation yet.

I think this is all about who takes responsibility for the mental load of parenting. If you are the one doing all of the research on weaning, toilet training, sleeping, childcare, taking note of when their clothes and shoes are outgrown and replacing them, keeping on top of immunisations, health visitor appointments etc etc it is understandable that you feel your knowledge base is greater and you object to doing all the donkey work so that the boss can come home, have information presented to him and make his decision on what’s happening. That sounds dramatic perhaps, but it can 100% feel like that. If your husband is having little to no input in the things I’ve listed (and the other 1001 that go along with them) then that’s where you need to start. If that’s what is happening, then first and foremost he needs to take more of the mental load on if he wants more decision making capability. How can he make good decisions if he hasn’t explored the options? If you feel that he does do his fair share, is as knowledgeable as you are, but that you simply aren’t willing to compromise, then yes that is an issue for you to address. Maybe it would help if you set aside some time to research together and then it would be a case of you reaching conclusions jointly rather than both doing your homework separately and then having to thrash it out afterwards.

@holidayhelpppp just to answer the school issue - I work in education and am very conscious of the summer born effect. We planned on a sept ever child (and luckily got a sept due date!) baby was prem

Thanks for all other feedback :)!

I too suggest compromising and dare I say it, maybe chill out a bit?
I work in Foundation, we always wonder (and I'll try and be polite) if our more middle class parents, who tend to have a life plan and very clear ideas about education etc that have August born dc, were actually meticulously planned September babies that didn't quite go to plan!

@velocitygirl7 oh god I know, I know I need to chill out I just find it hard I'm actually notoriously laid back about everything else... so maybe my strong opinions have taken me by surprise too!

It's not a criticism, I learnt the hard way that chilling out is the way to go!
I took everything so seriously and now look back ( mine are older teens) and wish I'd been way more relaxed

@velocitygirl7 I took it in the right tone dont worry :)

oh god I know, I know I need to chill out I just find it hard confusedI'm actually notoriously laid back about everything else... so maybe my strong opinions have taken me by surprise too!

I feel completly the same!

Yes you definitely need to calm down...save all your stressing for when your children are teenagers!! I can honestly say that I have three children born in autumn,winter and summer and academically it has not made any difference...in fact I never gave it a thought!! All at or been to decent unis,2 out of 3 had dummies . The more you over think everythingthe more overwhelmed you will feel !! Just enjoy being a mother and don’t get too involved in comparing with other parents!!

@WhatsInAName19 really valid point. The mental load is largely mine and I somewhat feel I earn decision rights based on that. He can sometimes object with 'oh I've not heard of that / didn't harm me doing it the opposite way' etc

@Grandmi I don't necessarily think going at 5 rather than 4 has huge long term intelligence / education impact. I just think they're in the school system for such a long time, I really would value an extra year of play and family time for my child. But I appreciate your reassurance