Feel like I'm failing

[Pinkgirl1986]

I feel like I'm failing completely as a parent.
I take my 10 month old baby to classes x3 weekly. I'm always trying to arrange days out with friends with babies but it's hard because no one is interested, they have their family together to go out with. Occasionally I can go out with friends and we do nice stuff.
I'm a single mum with no help from anyone. I have no family except my mum and she is poorly so she can't do anything to help. Fathers side of mine and my baby's family are not involved. I did have a partner who was trying to get too involved and got nasty in the end so it hasn't worked out. I can't help but feel if I'd have let him in more then I'd have had a nice family. But I don't trust anyone with my baby. It all stems from anxiety from a traumatic experience where I almost died when pregnant.
My baby cries. All. Day. I can't get stuff in the house done. So every single day my house is a bomb site until he goes to bed between 7-8. By this time i am knackered. So I do his washing, clean his stuff and sit down, well, collapse and then just need my bed. And I don't get time to eat or do anything for myself as I just need sleep. My washing builds up and occasionally I have a splurge of being really productive and get lots done. But I'm so out of energy. my day consists of getting him up and feeding him. I get a bath. Then I either go out with him or if I stay in I do bits around the house as he screams the house down because I'm not entertaining him. I feel so so guilty. So sometimes I skip my housework and play with him. Then comes dinner. Some days I manage to do mashed potato or eggs or bits of veg fresh etc. But usually he screams the whole time I make it and I just feel so under pressure. But other days i feed him from jars. When I'm out I don't really have an option but to feed him jars atm. But when I'm at home I feel so so guilty to feed him from a jar.
I think the main thing I feel guilty for is the fact that I feel I aren't feeding him good meals. I do food shops every other day and get stuff and have a meal plan but it all goes to pot. When I've tried to cook I just fail. I burn it or it just doesn't go right and I feel like I trust the jars more than my own cooking. I get paranoid introducing all the new foods due to choking etc. I just feel I'm keeping him behind on development with food. I feel so useless. Everyone tells me I do great. I tried to start my own business because I'm nervous about going back to work but that's just been a flop. So basically I'm a crap mum, skint and have no life. And not far off going back to work where I'm paranoid about leaving my baby with a childminder. Plus it's just going to be costly. I think I will end up on the sick at this rare. I aren't complaining that I don't have a life. I don't care about me. I will be happy if I'm doing right by him. But what do I do about this food situation? Oh and I did used to prepare and freeze food on an evening but sometimes I'd look at it the next day and think that looks gross, I aren't feeding him that or just panic that it wasn't fresh enough. Some days though he ate it. I did used to get a bit more help from my mum during this period so found it easier to batch cook. But it's short lived when she is well enough to help.
I don't know what to do to be a better mum. I'm just panicking that he won't have all the nutrients he needs and I'm failing him and will be jar feeding him when he's 18 haha.
Sorry for the rant.
Deep down I know I'm not a rubbish mum. He goes out and he has everything he needs and more and my focus is solely on him and I know he will feel happy and loved but then I worry if I don't find time to be myself every now and again and feel like I'm failing with weaning etc that I'll crumble.
Sometimes I do think how much better id feel if I could just have a couple of hours to myself but then I feel guilty for even feeling like I just need some time to myself to recharge but I really do. I just feel if I could have a days break or a days sleep then I could just start again. I feel like I'm in a vicious cycle of being the biggest loser mum ever.

No advice is I’m also a ftm and my boy is just 4 montha old but don’t be so hard on yourself, it sounds like you are doing an amazing job, especially as you have no support! I really do take my hat off to you 👏🏽

I was in the exact same situation as you 10 years ago. It will get easier, honestly it will. Don't feel guilty about feeding from jars do that just now but also see if you can get some advice about feeding from your health visitor if you have one? As your dc gets older it will be easier when they can eat sandwiches and food that is quicker to make. Maybe you could try to find a couple of home cooked meals your dc likes and start with that and the rest of the time jars and slowly increase home cooked meals and reduce jars. My DC loved pasta in a tomato sauce when he was young and it was easy for me to make a home made sauce. But I think he mostly liked tomato pasta from jars at 10 months and moved onto homemade when he was older.

My DC had problems with eating/choking and I felt pressure to move him along with eating. I wish I had been more relaxed about it. My DC has huge issues with food now (he is 10). Don't feel pressure. If he is eating, that is good and if it is jars he likes at the moment don't stress about it other foods will come in time just keep trying.

I went back to work but ended up having to take time out from work when my DC went to school. I slowly got back to work by volunteering when my DC was at school. I don't have any advice all I can say is I know how hard it is.

It will get easier. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You are doing a great job :)

And also don't put too much pressure on yourself about socialising. I tried to do too much with my DC and as he grew older I realised he was happier when we did less things. And it gets easier to find time for washing and housework when they are older so don't feel guilty about leaving it just now. It doesn't matter if you get behind with these things it is normal when you are doing it all on your own. Take care of your self and find some time for you to relax.

Just try checking the amount of jars and pouches sold.

Yeah, it's great if and when you can prepare food from scratch but jars and pouches are carefully planned to provide the right nutrition - and no mistakes.

Really don't worry about it. Babies have been surviving for a long long time. Certain things improve or reduce chances but minutely. Your baby has the biggest and most necessary gift. A caregiver (mum in your case) who loves, loves loves him and makes sure he is fed when hungry and cuddled and cared for 24/7.

He is thriving I'm sure.

The only criticism is ... that you need to feed and look after yourself. Even if you don't care about yourself (you should) your baby benefits from a well fed and preferably rested mum.