7 year age gap between dc1 and dc2 or stay as we are?

[afreshstart1]

We are very happy with our one dc
But as I'm reaching the end of my fertility there is this constant feeling that I'm not done and want another child and it's now or never
But the age gap would be huge and I worry how it will affect our dynamic and whether it will just end up being very hard on all of us
I've tried to work out whether this feeling is just me missing my life with dc as a toddler and wanting to do it again and I'm pretty sure hormones are playing a part too

Anyway I recently took the plunge and amazingly got pregnant but suffered a mc which was pretty awful and now I need to decide whether I can try again

Being older makes chances of mc higher and also risks for baby which I need to think about

But what's really bothering me is the age gap and the effect it will have on dc life

I do try and imagine 10 years time and would love a larger family around the dinner table but it all seems fraught with risk and practical difficulties to get there but I also worry that I will regret not trying again in the future when it's too late

Has anyone been through this dilemma?

Some families are close with big gaps but personally my fb is seven years younger and we were never friends. By the time he could play at 3/4 I was 11 and grown out of playing like that. I was at secondary before he joined primary and uni before he was at secondary. We didn’t have a single thing in common until I was over 30 and he was mid 20s (we’re very different people anyway).

I have 7 years between my DC. They are friendly and love each other but don't have the usual sibling relationship because of the age gap. They were never at school together for example and DC1 left home for Uni when DC2 went to secondary school. They only actually lived toger for the few years when they were both at school at the same time, but not same school.

On the upside, being the same sex, they did spend more time together than perhaps they would have if they'd been a girl and a boy say. If that had been the case, I doubt they'd have had much to do with each other at all.

Also on the upside, they did get a lot of individual attention. DC1 was an only child for the first 7 years and DC2 was effectively an only child from the age of 11. Counter that with the fact that you've got a young child for fourteen years, but also, free babysitting from the teen.

It's what it is, advantages and disadvantages.

My two are 8 years apart and it works for us. Dd has school so I get one on one time with DS. Dd will play with DS too and its helpful that she can grab me a nappy or things if needed.

I would actually prefer a larger age gap (probably 5 years ideally) but as I was 34 when I had DS, I feel like I can't wait that long due to declining fertility (& we already had problems conceiving the first time)

I have 2 DS that are 6.5 years apart and they are very close. The older one is now nearly 19 and the younger does miss him sometimes but they still do things together. It has been very positive for us.

There was just two years between my children, they were never close and I didn’t enjoy that phase of my life at all. There is five years between my Grandchildren, and they adore each other. My daughter has been able to enjoy both childrens younger years, so it worked well for them. Good luck whatever you decide.

There's 9 years between my sister and me. We always got on and are the best of friends now.

Ive just had my second and theres a 5 year age gap. It has been a massive adjustment to be honest as we were plodding along nicely as a threesome, but baby is 3 months now and things feel kind of back to normal now! My daughter was quite jealous at the beginning and it felt like I hadn't done the right thing but she has got used to it now and seems quite happy to have him here! I think as he gets older she'll enjoy him more. There was 5 years between each of my siblings and we all get on great!

There will be 13 years between my two children. 7 years is nothing. My friend has 20 years between her eldest brother and her, they live on the same street and are very close.

Families work because you make them work not because of perfect age gaps.

I’ll come back to this in a few weeks and let you know. I’m nearly 38 weeks pregnant with #2 and my daughter will be 8 in January. I’m a bit anxious about the baby changing our family dynamic but I’ve read lots of positive things about this sort of age gap. At the end of the day, it is what it is. Would I have planned it this way? Possibly not. Maybe a 4/5 year gap. But things didn’t happen the way we’d hoped and it took us longer to get to this point than we’d perhaps have liked. I’m certainly not going to stress about it. I’m just looking forward to our new baby.

There's 8 years between me and my DB, we get on the very best.
When we were younger I was delighted to have a baby brother and my mum involved me with looking after him and playing with him. I would say there is a fine line between getting older children to help and them resenting it . My cousin's have a very different relationship but a similar age gap. We never fought as I always just thought of him as the baby and my parents made sure I got to do 'big girl' one on one activities with them.
From he was about 8 and I was 16 we've gone out to the cinema or for dinner/lunch/late night McDonald's together. We used to have great fun when parents went out and left us together.
We are now in our 20/30s, he lives abroad but we are still close.
So my advice is go for it ultimately no one can tell you how your children will get on, as PP have said.

Thanks for replying

I do want to go for it. That's my gut/ heart reaction but I am quite an overanalyser which is not helpful!

Do you feel like your elder dc was disadvantaged as a result of having another? Did they resent the younger sibling ?

Also did anyone make the decision not to have another and feel good about that?

So many questions sorry!

Ds1 was 7, and dd was 5, when da2 was born. (I was 43). We’d hoped for a smaller age gap but I had a MMC 2 years earlier.

Five years on and we wouldn’t be without him. Ds1 is absolutely fantastic with his little brother and probably gets on better than dd does, even though there’s a bigger age gap.

Thing is even if your children are close in age there is absolutely no guarantee they would get on.

I'm friends with two people who have older brothers close in age whose brothers seem to absolutely hate them for existing. I also know other people who simply have nothing in common with their sibling close in age and even though they don't dislike them in any way they only speak to them at family events. There as in my family there are bigger age gaps than 7 years and the extremes have closer relationships.

As long as you ensure you eldest isn't the carer and default babysitter of your youngest - and you may have arguements with them over this as I and a couple of friends have had with our SC who have age gaps of 7+ years - then they can have a excellent relationship.

Thanks for replies

I just wonder how you manage when eldest wants to go to cinema or laser quest and do older activities with a very young sibling in tow. Do you just split parenting?

Also as eldest gets older he will be in clubs and things later in evening when little one needs to be in bed?

And what about the nap time which restricts everything?

And what about when older one needs help with homework and good nights sleep but you have a baby who cries!

Also good point about 2 onlies I have thought about the fact that I am making this very hard for myself if I do go for it with 2 only children but I just couldn't have done it sooner !

I just don't want my dc to feel they have an annoying much younger sibling who can't play and just gets in the way but the alternative is to just stay as we are and forever wonder...

I wish it were simpler!

At the moment we are split parenting when eldest wants to go cinema but its nice to have the one on one time with each child. She does gymnastics and swimming after school and at the moment he comes along but we are home by 6.30 so doesn't affect bedtime! Baby hasn't woke her up crying at night when she is in her own room but obviously when she has snuck into our bed he does wake her.

I think you just manage you do work around things and the second child tends to have to tag along at the moment although not sure how it will work when he is older...

I was like you so reluctant to have another as didnt want to change our family dynamic but at the same time felt broody. Im really glad I went for it!

7.5 years between my sister and I and whilst growing up we weren't particularly close (annoying younger sibling etc 😂) we are best friends now and incredibly close.