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Parenting

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Original poster

Awkward EX and 6 month old

23 replies

UserUser321 · 02/10/2019 21:44

DS is just about to turn 6 month. His dad and I split when DS was only a few weeks old. Ex has been very awkward with regards to co-parenting and has refused to stick to a routine of when he sees DS. Due to DS age, I was giving his dad contact from 4:30 - 7:30 3 week nights and all day Saturday. He changed the weeknights time from 5 till 8 - he made out it was for work reasons but he works flexible hours and he likes to go to the gym before it gets busy at 5 so I know he changed the time so he could go to the gym straight after work (he also shows up for DS wearing gym gear every time he takes him so I know he’s been at the gym beforehand)

Anyway, I didn’t say anything and let him have the contact from 5 till 8, even though it was messing up DS routine as I usually put him down to bed at 8pm. Last week, every time he brought DS home, DS was asleep in his car seat. He would then wake up and wasn’t going back down until almost 10pm. I asked him to change the times from 4pm till 7pm and explained why but he has point blank refused. I said it’s in DS best interests to be home and settled at a reasonable time, especially during winter months when it’s getting dark early. I’ll also be going back to work in a few months and want to have DS in a good routine by then.

Would I be unreasonable to stop weeknight contact because of this and only allow him to have DS on weekends?

OP posts:

palahvah · 02/10/2019 21:46

If he doesn't want to start contact earlier than 5, and you need it to finish at 7 so your child can sleep properly, what's wrong with 5-7pm?

Stophuggingme · 02/10/2019 21:48

You sound eminently reasonable
He sounds self absorbed and all about him rather than the baby

YANBU in my opinion it is unreasonable to be routinely dragging a six month old baby around at 8pm in car seats and then leaving him to wake up!in one two hours later. It is not preferable at all.

He should either respect your parenting and what is in the baby’s best interests at this age or just see him all day at the weekend

Be prepared to have to settle this via a court if he continues to be a fuckwit

Original poster

UserUser321 · 02/10/2019 21:48

@palahvah he’s refusing this. He said he’s not missing out on time with DS just because I want to change the routine

OP posts:

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RandomMess · 02/10/2019 21:54

If it's not court ordered say week days don't work for DS so see you Saturday... sure he will take you to court but that's where it's going to end up anyway.

Original poster

UserUser321 · 02/10/2019 21:56

He has also said that my reasons for changing the routine are doubtful and suspicious. He said I must be up to something during these times and I only want to change the routine to suit myself, which of course is absolute nonsense. I asked him over email to change the routine as he became abusive when we split (he told me I was an unfit mother who didn’t deserve my son, called me all the cunts and psychos and even took a picture of me from my social media and photoshopped a horses head on to it) so I only communicate with him via email so I have everything documented, but he has asked for a face to face meeting with me as he said that way he will know if my reasons are genuine or not.

OP posts:

Stophuggingme · 02/10/2019 21:57

He sounds like a nasty piece of work
Call his bluff and get this sorted in court.

RandomMess · 02/10/2019 21:57

You don't have to agree to meet him. You have tried to be reasonable, it sound like he is more interested in controlling you than co-parenting...

No is a complete sentence.

endofthelinefinally · 02/10/2019 21:59

I think it would be helpful if you talk to your HV about this. I am sure they will support you. Sleep and settling routine is very important. Your ex is clearly ignorant on this matter.

Chocolatedaim · 02/10/2019 22:01

Christ he sounds unhinged. I would get it court ordered and I would also suggest you are never home alone when he comes by!

Original poster

UserUser321 · 02/10/2019 22:02

Yes I think that’s a good idea @endofthelinefinally.

OP posts:

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/10/2019 22:03

He’s a twat and your baby’s needs come first. About time he started to understand that

Original poster

UserUser321 · 02/10/2019 22:06

@Chocolatedaim the thing is, he twists everything to make out it’s my fault. The other day he called me an emotional bully. Some of the things he did to me when we were together were awful. Then when I’d get upset about it and he’d make out it was all just a joke and made me feel stupid for being upset. Then the things he called me when we split up, only a few weeks after I had given birth. I think a court order is the best option then he can’t mess DS about anymore

OP posts:

YobaOljazUwaque · 02/10/2019 22:09

The time with dad needs to stop at 7pm in the child's best interests. The dad doesn't want to lose 3hrs of contact time - why not have the 5-7 on another night too plus an extra hour at the weekend?

Greggers2017 · 02/10/2019 22:14

What he calls you and you call him has noting to do with how good a dad he is to his child. Put that aside.
He is a dad that's involved, plenty of women would love their children's dads to have an active role, your baby's dad is not a deadbeat he is there and stepping up.
Ask him to do 5-7 although I do thinks you're being awkward for awkward sake. Why not suggest he brings him back at 7 and he do bedtime routine? Or if not as the above poster suggests and let him make up the 3 extra hours elsewhere

Original poster

UserUser321 · 02/10/2019 22:15

@YobaOljazUwaque he won’t do another night. Said it costs him too much in petrol back and forward. I have another 2 children from a previous relationship so I can’t go and get DS at 7pm due to dealing with them at that time

OP posts:

Original poster

UserUser321 · 02/10/2019 22:18

@Greggers2017 I’m not being awkward at all. I don’t think a baby of 6 months should be kept out until 8pm. I can’t gave him in my home to do bedtime routine because he’s abusive

OP posts:

Chocmallows · 02/10/2019 22:20

My ex played games regarding access, then took me to court to in his words "sort me out".

They sorted everything out for my DC. As my actions and statements were all about best interests of DC I walked away with times I wanted for them.

When you communicate try to be unemotional and unswaying at all times focus on "DS needs X because X", particularly in writing. If you can log it may help later if you have long term issues (e.g. court). You don't need records of long conversations, just the date, what you asked for and why.

I personally wouldn't agree to 8pm drop backs even now my youngest is 9, so really think you are not being unreasonable.

MrsP2015 · 02/10/2019 22:31

Write a list of the baby's requirements and how things need to be for the sake of the baby.

Meet him and tape him.

C0untDucku1a · 02/10/2019 22:38

Fucking hell @Greggers2017 what the hell are you thinking? He is controlling op because he think she is doing something when he has the child. He calls her a cunt and other things. Is verbally abusive. He is acting in his best interests and not the child’s best interests and SHE should be GRATEFUL he wants to see HIS child?! She should let this abusive man in HER home?! Are you for real?!?! Raise your standards. Ffs.

Op, tell him the times dont work for dd. He comes earlier, which should be fine as he is available earlier, or has contact every other weekend. Let him go to court if he doesn't want that.

YobaOljazUwaque · 02/10/2019 22:53

Him not wanting to do another night is not your problem. He doesn't have to accept all the access he is offered. Him not wanting to start the contact till 5pm so he can go to the gym is also not your problem. The only issue is that your baby needs to be home and getting settled for bed at 7pm and nothing to do with his preferences or expenses makes a whit of difference to that fact.

Stophuggingme · 02/10/2019 23:00

@Greggers2017 don’t talk shit.
Calling your child’s mother a cunt is most certainly not in the child’s interests. At any age.

Greggers2017 · 05/10/2019 21:56

What 6 month old needs to be in bed by 7 though, really?
Yes the name calling etc is out of order but that baby is 50% dads so why is it always the Mum who says when the dad can see the child?
I have never once stopped my ex seeing our children. Nor said no when he has asked to see them extra.

YobaOljazUwaque · 06/10/2019 07:30

What 6 month old needs to be in bed by 7 though, really?

All the ones I ever knew needed this!

Humans can't just live with any awake/asleep times they choose across 24 hours. Hormone levels flow and rise and fall according to levels of sunlight and day time nap sleep is a very different quality to night time.

Deep night time sleep is when the brain grows. If a baby doesn't get enough sleep they can't develop new neural pathways as well as a baby getting lots of sleep.

If a baby is kept up too late and gets over tired, they can get into a feed back loop of being too upset to stop crying, too sad to stop being upset, and too tired to stop being sad and unable to settle to sleep for hours, which all could have been avoided if the baby was put to bed at 7.

When the parent keeping the baby awake past 7 is not the parent who has to cope with the screaming overnight or the grumpy fractiousness in the morning after, then that first parent is being utterly selfish and unreasonable.

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