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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

How do yoi stop "parenting" when your adult DC still lives at home?

9 replies

Thenotes · 02/10/2019 20:07

DS1 is 18yo, working FT and paying keep.

He went out this evening and, I suspect, wasn't entirely truthful about where he was going/what he would be doing.

His conduct at home is fine, he does his share, pays a his way, is pleasant company, spent and hour and a half having a cuppa with his Gran yesterday and always let's us know when to expect him home etc. He's a good lad.

Part of me wants to challenge him and find out what's going on.It feels like my job to do so. I can't think why he would have lied but am almost certain he did and I "need" to know if it's because something is wrong. OTOH I realise he's no trouble and if he was away at Uni, I'd have no idea what he was up to.

Would you let it go and how do I learn to do that?

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museumum · 02/10/2019 20:10

Absolutely let it go. He deserves some privacy and maybe if he felt he had that he wouldn’t need to lie.
There’s no secret trick to it, you just need to bite your tongue and butt out.

hoorayforharoldlloyd · 03/10/2019 17:05

Just don't ask him, really not your business - although i can see that would feel hard!

Chloe9 · 03/10/2019 17:22

I mean, I would have a word if I thought my kid was driving drunk or cheating on their partner or something else shitty, I don't think 18 means you just stop caring what they're doing or the kind of person they're becoming. I wouldn't snoop in their stuff or ask them their business, but if they left a mountain of cocaine out or something we would be having a conversation. If they were asking me to lie for them or something that would be an issue, or doing something dangerous/illegal/irresponsible that was going to affect our home or whatever (like there was a dent in my bumper and a debt collector at the door or something) because they have to have a certain amount of respect for their home or parents or they need to find somewhere else to live. There have to be limits but there also needs to be a different relationship once they are grown.

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Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2019 17:27

I don't understand what your problem is. He's a good guy, pays his way, does his share. He went out and came home. It's really weird that you think he should tell you exactly where he is and what he's doing every minute of the day. Give him some space. You just have to step back and allow him to grow up. And yes, my children are young adults so I know what I'm talking about.

Original poster

Thenotes · 03/10/2019 17:43

I don't think he needs to tell me everything. I asked him where he was going out of interest, in the same way I might ask about a colleague's plans for the weekend. It was the feeling that he lied that took me a back and the parent in me wanted to "deal with it"

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TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 03/10/2019 17:49

My mum used to do this to me when l was an adult at home. It drove me nuts, so l lied just to get some space. It was about control.

I never asked my dc what they were doing at that age. They are ADULTS

NotTonightJosepheen · 03/10/2019 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leghairdontcare · 03/10/2019 17:55

If you think it's because "something is wrong", although i'm not sure what you mean by that, why not just say "I know you're a grown man now and I'm not as involved in your day to day life as I used to be but I want you to know I'm always here for you if you want to talk or need help."

Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2019 18:01

You don't ever turn the parenting button off, but you do need to dial it way back. If you truly think something is wrong then you need to talk about it, and of course the child should also be courteous and respectful, no matter how old they are. For example, if they say they will be home at 1am but their plans change, they should absolutely let you know. It's just simple courtesy and age is irrelevant.

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