3 year old really angry about new baby

[iloveewanthedreamsheep]

Baby (DC2) is 2 weeks old. DC1 will be 4 in December.
DC1 seems to love DC2, likes hugging and kissing him, though isn’t great about leaving him alone when he’s sleeping/we ask him to.

But he is so angry with me. Keeps hitting me, won’t listen, won’t do anything I ask. We’ve been to an outing for DC2 today (regular ‘class’ that we attend). I’ve made sure he’s had loads of attention, but he is being so difficult for me, running away from me, pretending to be scared and well as really disobedient. I feel like a terrible parent. I am at my wits end, he is so well behaved for everyone except me! Before baby came he was admittedly a bit of a mummy’s boy.
Has anyone else had similar experiences? How can I help him with this transition? How long will it be this hard for? I know it’s early days and hormones all over the place but I am finding this so hard!!

Just to start I shall peddle out the usual line of 'its a phase!' Just remember that this will pass, even though it sounds hard to deal with now.

Someone told me that, if DC1 has been away from you for a little while, to not be holding the baby when they come back, so that you appear available to them and not favouring the baby.

I assume you're already making time to spend together, just the two of you? No baby in sling/buggy nearby, just the two of you doing something fun together.

How communicative is he? Could you ask how he feels about DC2? When he's angry you could accept his feeling, without dismissing them by saying "it's not fair that mummy has to be with baby all the time!" Maybe just hearing his feelings back at him will help?

Sounds fairly normal to me.
You are his world and you now have someone else who is your world as well as him.
The fact That he is not directing this towards the baby is also reassuring, my children could never leave their baby sister and then baby brother alone when he was sleeping, they were obsessed with him. But I did get the odd episode of this for a while. As they adjusted andlife settled down again it faded away.

@MrBobLobLaw ideas as good. Try to find something he can help with and try to find space in the day where’s he doesn’t feel the baby is first. [I know he isn’t]

Have you got someone that could have the baby for an hour or even just go in another room so you can do stories, playtime, cuddles?

Completely normal. Ds1 was like this when ds2 was born. It passed in about 4 weeks. Still tough going whilst it lasted though

Thanks for replying MrsBob.
Those are great tips! It is such early days. I’ve been making sure I still do his bedtime without baby, spend some time with him when he gets in from preschool/nursery every day. Baby is so tiny and BF so did come to class with us this morning but I focussed completely on DC1 with granny watching baby.
Usually do try to communicate in that ‘talk so little kids will listen’ style but think I haven’t been very consistent with it recently as it does require a bit of intellect (it’s not habitual for me and I suspect most people!) and I am so tired from feeding baby in the night.
I really hope we can sort out some balance soon

Thanks pottering and stop hugging it is just so nice to feel heard. And reassured that this won’t last forevermore!

Hi just wanted to say that you are not alone. I'm going through the same just 7.5 months further on, (DS1 is 3yr3mths and DS2 is 7.5mths). From my experience and the experience of a lot of my second time parent friends everything your older one is doing is completely normal. It's a massively life changing event for them and they do go through a grieving process for the life they had before. I'd try to get hold of a copy of Sarah Okwell Smith's second baby book, it helped me to understand where my older little boy was coming from. I think the most important thing is to spend some quality 1-1 time with your eldest, I know that it's really early days at the moment for you but when you are able to do this it will really help. My DS1 is also impeccably well behaved whenever it's just the two of us. He loves going swimming. Also something that I think I did do wrong during the time my husband was on paternity leave was that he did a lot of DS1s bedtimes, taking to the park etc. As I was recovering from the birth and getting breastfeeding established. But in hindsight I think I should have been doing as much as possible of DS1s care and had DH help more with regards housework and new baby stuff (other than feeding). DS1 kind of decided DH was his person during this time and had a hard time when DH went back to work. He still says "no I like daddy, baby likes mummy" a lot even now. Good luck it does get a bit easier but it takes some time. Enjoy your children and don't forget to take care of yourself two x

My DDs were a little like this when subsequent siblings were born. I think some of it is acting like they perceive a ‘big’ brother / sister will even if that’s pushing boundaries. I found involving them with tasks, loads of praise and staying very consistent worked.

Normal for us too! 2.8 year old loved baby but was angry at us parents. He was back to normal by around 10 weeks and now he’s even lovelier than before, now his brother is 5 months. He continued being a good boy at Pre-school during the whole time. We did as many one on one activities as possible, ‘asked’ baby to wait if we were in the middle of something with the big one and read the ‘how to talk to little kids’ book like you (it’s true it takes some practise to think and talk like the book) it will get better, and you’ll all find the new normal.

Thanks so much everyone. That’s all so reassuring.

I only have one child at the moment, but one good tip I've read is to make a point of saying to the baby 'now baby name you need to wait for a bit because I want to do x with older child's name now' obviously within earshot of your older child and when the baby is fine without you. So that way the older child feels like they're being put first and the baby is having to wait for once!

Oh sorry, I see limpingparrot has already offered a similar tip!

Tried this ^ this afternoon and it worked a treat! Thanks mumsnetters