How much does your DH/DP do?

[Nc1468]

This is purely just out of interest, I feel like my DH doesn't do enough to help out but I am extremely sleep deprived right now with our LO so not sure if maybe I'm over reacting!

Just for reference our LO is less than a month old and DH is working full time but I'd just be interested to know what you would expect your partner's to do to help you? I'm not sure what is reasonable to expect as he does work hard but I feel like I need a break before I go insane! Wanted some opinions before I lose it with him 🙈

I have a 1 month old and DH does very little. I'm ebf so that puts a lot on me. DH will do things like nappy changes or housework if I ask but won't take the initiative and will also delay it "In a minute" meaning I'll do it so it's done. However, he did the same with my 5yo and it did really affect their bond, he ended up not knowing really how to soothe or care for my older one for a long time as it took ages for him to gain confidence in how to relate to a child he'd let me get on with for over a year.
Now we're at the month mark, bf is established and feeds are predictable and he's back at work I'm going to make sure he does take a lot more on with this one.

If your DH isnt doing much I'd throw him in at the deep end, hand baby over after a feed and let him find his way. It's tempting to critique what he's doing but step away and let him get a few things wrong if needs be, he'll soon learn!

@Sleeplease I feel I could have written that, down to the 'in a minute' remark. DS is our first so idk if he's feeling out of his depth or something but I'm up all night and he somehow thinks it's okay because I can sleep when DS sleeps in the day but I've found that is pretty much impossible with doing housework too so I think since he's been born I've done that maybe twice? I'm not BF so DH doesn't even have that as an excuse.

I've got a really difficult relationship with my dad which DH knows and I really want more for DS but worried that like you said he's going to end up not bonding with him which is something I was really concerned about anyway.

Sorry for the rant, I haven't been to sleep yet 😉😭

I ebf so DH did not get involved/wake up in the night. His ‘job’ was bath and he was probably home by 7pm on 3 out of 5 weekday nights and weekends. He left for work around 5.30am and that usually tied in with LO waking, so he would do nappy change and bring LO in to me.
He is more upset by mess than me so has always done more household chores and does ironing (because it is usually his). He also does financial admin.
I do majority of cooking, shopping and social arrangements.
I get so frustrated on MN with constant moans about DHs doing nothing and, reading on, see that DW has enabled this for years. Obviously it is hard to break an established arrangement. Do what Sleeplease suggests, step away, leave him to learn the best way for your LO and enjoy these special early days.

I don't seem to have the physical capacity to nap, never have so I just feel tired a lot! I think in your situation I'd make a list of housework that needs to be done each week (be easy on yourselves as a family here, no one will die if the house isn't hoovered for a while) and get him to do at least half and take at least a few of the evening feeds and split 50:50 at weekends. My DH is awful on no sleep and works very long hours with a long commute so I've always taken nights as it's not worth the moaning from him otherwise but whatever you do, now is the time to.lay ground rules and set out how you want to share parenting. If you leave it you'll slip into you doing everything and that being expected

Thank you, tbh he has always been a little lazy which drives me insane but this is a whole other level now. I will start just leaving DS with him and going for a bath or a lie down or something, like you've both said he will learn, he won't have a choice ☺️ I definitely don't enable this, I call him out every time on it and he'll get a bit better for a day or so then go back so something's going to have to change. Hard to think rationally at 4am, especially when you've been up with a screaming baby for hours 😬

Thank you both xxx

@Sleeplease I wouldn't mind doing all night if he'd come home from work and actually help but like I said he'll do the bare minimum unless I ask him to specifically do one thing and even then it's usually 'in a minute' so I end up doing it anyway. And he doesn't work weekends so I can't see why it's unreasonable for him to do nights then, but like you said it's the moaning from him about how tired he is that drives me insane when he has no idea what tired is.

I'll definitely look at that, feel like I have a big child giving him chores but he needs to do something to help so if I have to give him tasks to do in order for him to actually help I will do!!

Sorry your going through this OP it’s so hard the first few weeks.

I’m ebf too so there wasn’t much my partner could do at night but I was going downhill with the lack of sleep so he in the night he initially helped with nappy changes, winding etc and then started giving baby a bottle of expressed milk once a night, even if he is working the next day. This was a lifesaver for me as it meant I could sleep through a feed or if I had to, express more milk. I think I would have crashed and burned if he hadn’t of done that.

He generally does bath time too but does work away often.

Don’t get me wrong he still has his moments and I’ve had to remind he can no longer spend 20 mins in the toilet as baby comes first but generally has been a great help.

Don’t worry about housework our son is 4 months old and it’s still a struggle 😂

When our DS was a baby (he's 2.5 now) I was on mat leave so I did most of the childcare stuff (nappies, changing clothes etc) and a bit of cleaning if I was having a good day, he was working full time and then did bathtimes and all the cooking and would always bring me cups of tea etc. Since DS was EBF (and I function much better on broken sleep than my DH) I did all the night wakes but if he was hard to settle or I was just over it then he would take over to let me rest.

Occasionally I had to remind him that I just needed some time away from the baby but on the whole it worked pretty well for us and he carries a lot of the mental load for running the house (paying bills, sorting insurance renewals etc) which helps a lot too.

I am amazed that people have husbands who help out during the night without waking them, my DH is so heavy footed and would huff and puff so much about being woken it makes it pointless as I'd get no extra sleep

I feel like maybe me and @sleeplease might have married the same person 😂 I went downstairs at 5 to get a bottle sorted and made some remark about it being like I have two children and would be no more difficult if I was doing this alone and he got up earlier this morning to give DS a feed and changed his nappy without me mentioning it but I know that this is because I moaned at him so we will see how long this lasts!

DH is the only one ATM who is working so I do understand he needs to sleep but I'm up all night and get very little break during the day, and like I said then when he comes home he doesn't help out much either so it is literally 24/7 with no break ATM.

He should be helping at night, yes he may be a bit tired at work, but this stage won't last forever. My DP used to do the first early morning feed (around 2am) as I found those were finishing me off, but getting up at 4 I found okay and he found horrendous, so it worked for us. Remember your body is healing as well and you need rest, he should help in the evening when he is back too, not all evening necessarily but definitely to give you a break- to go to bed early, have a shower or bath. Don't get into the routine of him thinking you should do everything because you're the woman and at home.

This bit is so tough. A brand new baby, a 4th trimester mother, the huge, constant, never ending demands that being a new parent brings, the tiredness, the extra work, the newness.

My first piece of advice is to be kind to each other.
My second piece of advice is that you need to reframe this. He is not helping out. He is doing what is required of new parents. Or should be. Navigating this is tricky, but you've learned what needs doing, it's not beyond his capabilities to learn either.

Have a chat. A proper chat. And sleep instead of washing up!he could make you a packed lunch before work with a thermos of tea. Think about what would be useful to you and start there.

Congratulations on your new baby.

My DP does loads and has done from the start. I think it's important to remember that dads don't 'help' or 'babysit'. They parent, just as the same as you do.

My DD is 8mo, but DP took a month off work when she arrived and did literally all the housework and cooking. He was also my chauffeur as I had a C-section.

Since being back at work, he takes DD every morning before work at 6 or 7. He works flexi-time so if it's been a bad night or he doesn't have anything important in his schedule, he will delay starting until 10 so I can sleep.

He doesn't generally do night wakings as she's breastfed, but he has done them when I've been unwell or when she's woken up soon after a feed so doesn't need fed. We kind of unofficially came to the agreement that I do nights a)unless it's a horrendous night where she's up every hour or something and I need his help and b) so he can take DD every morning and I can go back to bed, and that works well for us for now.

He also takes her when he comes home from work (literally, he walks through the door and is passed a baby ). He also does his fair share of housework. At weekends, he'll take DD for extended periods if I need to do something or just have a sleep. Yesterday, for example, he took her away at 7 and I got up at 10.

It's more difficult to do in those early months when they feed more often, but I used to express before bed so there was milk in the fridge in the morning for him to give her if he needed. Now she goes much longer stretches without needing milk. If baby is FF then he has no excuse.

Come on people, why do you women accept this? Looking after a small baby is a full time exhausting job just like going to ‘work.’ When I went to work at 7 months it was much easier than being on mat leave. If you are functioning on almost no sleep why is your OH getting a full night? Every night? This is madness.

Ok so DH would wake up at 5:30/6, have a shower, make breakfast, make me a sandwich or something for lunch. He would empty the dishwasher, sort the laundry and then wake me. I would feed the baby and hand to DH. (I ebf two kids for a year each). DH would change the baby, ensues the changing bag was packed and so on and spend some time with DS1 and then 2 (with DS2 he would also use this time to wake up DS1 and get him ready for school). I would in this time have a shower, eat the breakfast he made and get ready. So when he left at 8ish, I was ready (DS1 was also ready later), the house was tidy, dishwasher done, lunch prepared and one load of laundry done.
He would do bath almost every night in the newborn stage. He would do all the winding and even give a dream feed around 9/10 so I got sleep from 7-11/12. I would do midnight to 6 and so he would get a solid 6 hours but I would have also had a 5 hour stretch earlier.
He has always taken time off when the kids are ill so it’s not just me. (And more importantly, made sacrifices for my career too and he earns more than me because he sees my career as important).
Has for many years done both weekend mornings because he travels internationally and I solo parent for 2 week stretches. Before he travels he almost always batch cooks.
On weekend mornings (kids are nearly 8 and 3) he makes breakfast, takes the kids downstairs and gets them ready, does all the grocery shopping, bins, gardening and one evening some batch cooking. He also does all the laundry and ironing.
I generally do more for the kids and keep track of who needs what and when. I tackled weaning and potty training (both when he was away!), I also do the bulk of the cooking and more of the cleaning and tidying.
To me this is an equal parent. He is their parent, he does not ‘help’ me. Please don’t accept the scraps your DHs are handing out as normal.

And yes, don't 'ask' if he can watch DC. Just hand baby over, say 'I'm going for a bath and a lie down, I'll be up again and X' and go.

At that stage my DH did pretty much everything, I was BF, so I was up in the night, so he did everything during the day. We had pretty low standards on housework though and he has always done all the cooking.

This is definitely a do as I say, not as I did as DH and I didn't parent together very well at all to begin with!

DH is much more a night owl than me so I'd go to bed at 7pm, and he'd be on duty until 1am. I'd do all the night feeds and wakings, then he'd have an hour with DS before work.

The DC are the responsibility of both parents, and I appreciate that DH needed to go to work but I also needed to drive a car and look after our child safely.

If you feel he is doing to little that's all that matters.

My DH didn't get up in the night as I was BF, I had all my drinks and any snacks all ready before bed time so I didn't need him to get up and watch me feed, I changed DS nappy then, it's 2 min thing so no big deal when I was already awake. It seemed petty and silly for DH to get up as well, just so it was equal and he was up also.

He did take DS when he got back from work, so I could relax upstairs, have a bath, just sit and watch TV or read a book. He did also do the cooking and dishes.

You need to work out between yourselves, your ideal would be another's hell. It's a personal thing.

I hope he pulls his finger out soon and his latest bout of helping continues 💐💐

My dh did loads after work till about midnight and I got a good sleep then. He would sleep till 6am and I did all overnight but then at six he’d do the first wake and I’d get another 45min sleep.

I have a 2 year old and 4 year old. DH works full time hours but over four days so he has the boys a day a week himself. That day he obviously does everything (I'm at work). The rest of the time he gets up with them in the morning and does their breakfast while I get ready, he does nursery drop off for one (I do the other) he does the supermarket shopping and spends more time than I do 'entertaining' the kids (Lego, games, reading etc). He also manages the bills, cars and jobs in the garden.

I have two days off a week so do everything on those days with/for the kids. I do pretty much all the housework and most of the cooking.

I'm happy with the balance and we both get equal 'downtime'.

When dc1 was 1 month old -
Weekdays he would have slept through, so got up for the 6am/7am feed. Fed her and did nappy and let her lay on her playmate in the lounge while he got dressed. Then he was swaddle her and put her back in the Moses basket next to me in bed (I would sleep during this).

After work he would take her from 5-6 and chat/plays with her while I had a breather (I cooked and did a bit of tidying during this). We would then do bath and bottle with her going down in the lounge with us while we ate.

Friday night he would do the night waking I would sleep through (then he would lie in and I'd get up at 6). Swapped Sat.

At weekends he would do whatever we needed to do, we would share jobs. Weekdays I did almost everything as I was around to do it.

DH and I split all night wakings when ours were little, I never breastfed though so it's easier to share things like that. I would not stand for a man not doing his share, most people's jobs are not as hard as caring for a baby so the 'he's working' excuse doesn't really wash.

Stop thinking of it as him 'helping' he needs to do his fair share of chores and baby care. He isn't the only one working, as you've discovered looking after a new baby is hard work. Change your mindset, tell him to pull his weight. You say he's always been lazy so nip it in the bud now.

One thing I wish I hadn't got in the habit of was organising everything for DH. So he'd take our first born out but I'd have organised the changing bag, snacks, extra coat etc. I should have let him do it and if he ran out of nappies or had no water then so be it. Now my first is 5 I have ended up doing all the running about making sure school bags, swimming kits, party gifts etc are all done and I think it stems from me not wanting to lose control in those early days

In the early days DH used to take DS from as soon as he got home from work while I sorted the dinner, had a shower etc and he'd stay up till about midnight doing the last feeds. I went to bed early and then did through the night and up again in the morning. I'd usually nap in the day too. We used to do bathtime together as DS hated it.

As DS has got older, I do any night get ups and the mornings as I'm a SAHP. DH cooks dinner twice a week so I can have two evenings off and I do the rest. I probably do 70% of the household tasks. We each get a lie in at the weekend. DH would never complain if the house was a mess or I didn't have dinner sorted because he's not a twat.