Is this right?

[Namechange87654]

I have NCd for this for a bit of extra anonymity as you never know whos lurking.

I would like you to imagine you left a marriage a few years ago, since then your DC has refused to see you and only communicates via text to request birthday/Christmas presents (more specifically money). At what point do you not automatically give? do you carry on forever? Do you say they can have something of their choice if they come with you to get it?

Im really at a loss with this one. My gut feeling is that once you're at the point where you couldn't walk into a shop and choose them something that you know they would like then its time to consider sending them just a heartfelt card instead. If it makes a difference, they are a teenager and money for me is very tight.

In this scenario why does my child (how old?) not want to see me?

Do you say they can have something of their choice if they come with you to get it?

Definitely not, I'm surprised anyone would consider that - it's bribery

In all honesty I would send a letter saying enough is enough . You either have a proper relationship or you don't . Their choice . Suggest they meet you somewhere neutral on a given date and time and if they don't show up you will know their choice has been made.

Purely because you left your marriage. No DV or similar, just a straight up not in love split

I would say they can't have it both ways. If they don't want a relationship with you then fine but they can't use you for presents either.

@666onmyhead my concern with that would be if DC is actually considering meeting up it might be enough to push them the other way and lose them forever.

@CarWreck what would you do? Doesnt have to be one of the ideas in the OP

How old is DC?

How old is the child? Do you maintain regular contact eg text them once a week and sometimes as them if they want to go out to nando at the weekend?

What position does the other parent take? Not having a relationship with a parent who wants to be loving and supportive is not a good choice by the teen. Unless there is a back story, surely the other parent should be trying to encourage contact for the teen's sake.

Do you support the child financially through maintenance?

DC is 15. Yes, regular attempts at contact and offers to have meals/days out/treats go entirely ignored

I was no contact with my father, but more of a back story than just a split but he sent a birthday/Christmas card with some money in every year until I was 18. 🤷‍♂️ Didn't expect it as I didn't want anything to do with him but took his money as he owes thousands in unpaid child support and I had to go without things for years due to him not helping my mother.

@pallisers yes, i pay over CMS rates. The other parent was very bitter that i chose to leave rather than staying and being unhappy which is what they planned to do until the children left home. I suspect the other parent had an impact on DC not seeing me for the first 6 months or so but then calmed a bit

Hi Op, so I’m going to answer having been that 15 year old child in the past. Dad left mum after a few fairly absent years where he was clearly unhappy, when I was about 12. He moved abroad but was in regular contact and we went to visit a few times. By 15 I decided I wanted no contact, as I was so disappointed with how he handled it all. Nothing abusive at all, but he failed to tell us himself he was leaving, left it to my poor devastated mum, then never actually spoke about what had happened, just attempted to get on with our relationship with no offering me chances to speak about how I felt, or help me with the situation emotionally.

The thing is though, saying I didn’t want contact was a 15 year old way to express this - I couldn’t actually tell him what I needed. Really what I wanted was him to be better. Ultimately, I believed that he didn’t love me - a child/ young person way of thinking, I believed that if he had loved me enough, he would have stayed. And his failure to support me emotionally was further proof he didn’t love me. I was so hurt and angry and needed help to deal with it. Eventually he stopped making contact as he was ‘respecting my wishes’.

Now as an adult I understand that he had his own issues and why he wasn’t very emotionally literate. I also now work therapeutically with children and young people, and on this and a personal basis, I would urge you to keep showing child that you care. Your invites out will definitely not be ignored, maybe not replied to, but this is you demonstrating your love and that you are adult enough to hold and contain child’s distress. 15 is an age where so much is going on emotionally anyway. I don’t suggest though that you necessarily do everything they want in terms of money requests- just give what you can afford, explaining you are skint, and keep finding ways to let them know regularly that they are in your thoughts.

I eventually decided to meet my dad again when I was 30, and now late 30s we have an ok relationship, but you can’t hide the fact that so many years were missed, it’s not like a normal close family relationship sadly.

Sorry that’s probably too personal and not all relevant to you but I hope some of it will resonate!

OP pay the child maintenance and send cards for birthday, Christmas, exam success or whatever. However stop putting money in them regardless of whether the child rings you asking. The child is old enough to know about present giving.

Only when the child is a proper adult e.g. has left full time education and has been working for a couple of years, then ask them if they want a decent relationship with you. You cannot give a teenager an ultimatum especially when you know your ex is heavily influencing them, however an independent adult you can.

My mother tried to put me in shit situations with my dad, however luckily I had extended family who stepped in.

@Merename your reply has given me a lot to think about. It was experiences of people like you that i was really hoping to hear. Thank you so much.

@ColaFreezePop that was my initial reaction and what i said would be happening following her birthday earlier this year. I had really hoped to stick to that line but now Christmas is approaching and the guilt is kicking in. I just dont want to feel that im being a dick by not giving anything

I can't say, this is really hard and sad.

Part of me says just put a small amount in an envelope every birthday/Christmas until they are 18 and the other says put your foot down and say unless you come spend time with me have meals (whatever dcs choice) I'm not prepared to be here for when you just want money or birthday presents.

DC is 15, i don't think they are too young to understand in this situation, infact I think they know better. But they can't continue to use you as bank when they feel like it and I think you need to say this is not ok, you're not just there for money you want a relationship with them too.

If this money thing continues it sets the path for the future of your relationship (won't go in to detail but I have a sibling and they have/had a very poor relationship with my parents, left home early and they only contact them when they need money. And we get barely any other contact).

I don't think it's going to go well either way to be honest, they'll either be bitter when they're 18 and it ends or now. But you can't continue it is very unhealthy for the relationship and you.

As someone who's parents spilt up when I was only a few years old I grew up with both trying to bad mouth one and other so I know what kind of poison parents can say to their children.
I went non contact a few times in my teen years with my father, (mainly as I grew older and realised his abuse was wrong and not normal) and I currently am non contact and was from around 12 weeks pregnant with only one attempt at reconnecting where he threatened social services. I'd say send a card, offer to be there but understand if they don't take it, they might think they don't like you in their hormonal teenage state, but in a few years they might turn around and see that they where wrong.
Send them cards, pay child support, and wish them the happiest day, but also offer to be their. It might seem to lead no where but one day they'll probably take you up on it. But don't send money, if they want money then they should have a relationship with you. One reason I have refused my father's help over the last few years.
If anything don't blame yourself for not wanting to be in an unloving marriage, and one day your Son won't either.

@Namechange87654 Oh I’m really glad if that helps. I wish my dad had asked for advice like this- shows your commitment to her - if you are honest enough with yourself regarding what is about your needs, and what is best for her, I’m sure she will get there in the end. I really don’t agree with the people saying withhold money - I just think make a boundary of how much and be consistent. I manipulated my dad as a teen into spending money, to see how much he cared and find out what control I had over him. It wasn’t really about money. Basically I think you want to send a message of ‘no matter how shitty you behave, I will love you. Shitty behaviour won’t make me do everything you want but I will keep loving you’. Even from a distance, reluctantly. I know this is easier said than done! All the best.

I have also been that child (although now in my 30s) and I think you need to completely separate money and the relationship with your child. I spent years squeezing whatever I could get out of my absent father because stuff was all I could get from the relationship - no emotional support, no calls just to say I was missed or ask how I was doing.

Assuming you are prepared to be an all-giving parent in the real (non-monetary) sense, stop sending money, stop offering days or meals out.

Instead, send messages asking: how they are/what they're up to/if they're happy/if they're sad/if there's anything they need help with. Be open-minded about whatever they say and build an actual relationship.

My dad never did this, didn't bother contacting me for any reason for years at a time and so when I was 26 I told him I wasn't interested in attempting to have a relationship any more. I hoped he'd take it as a wake-up call and make more effort but actually I never heard from him again.

@kellyHall sorry things ended that way with your father. I message DC all the time, its a bit like trying to have a relationship with a brick wall. I suppose at least they will be able to look back and know i was always here. Hopefully things will go my way eventually