Partner’s Response to Night-Out Childcare

[CopingStrategies]

We’ve been together for 15 years and have have one child, a 12 year old daughter. We both work full time on roughly equivalent pay. I am a lecturer in music. My partner works in Health & Social Care.

I rehearse one evening a week most weeks, and also lecture one evening a week term time, and gig up to a couple of nights a month, mostly less. Other than that, I never go out on my own.

Whenever my parter wants to go out drinking with friends I support that and offer to drive them.

Occasionally a date clashes where they are booked to go out and I have a gig. My solution has been to use ask my parents, to whom our daughter is devoted, and they are always willing, obliging and loving to a fault.

The issue is that, when this happens, my partner becomes incandescent with rage on the grounds that, because my partner looks after her when I am out, I should look after her my partner is out, not “palm her off” on my parents.

The upshot of this is that I am now experiencing increasingly acute panic attack symptoms whenever I need to even broach the subject of comparing calendars.

Is my view (that if the solution exists, and our daughter and my parents are happy with it, then there simply is no issue) a gross simplification?

It feels like my partner is striving for parity ahead of pragmatism, but I appreciate dads sometimes see things differently from mums.

Please help. Thank you.

Your partner is a controlling nutcase.

You are now at the point of having a panic attack when you need to have a perfectly reasonable conversation (with a perfectly reasonable solution being presented) with him, because you are scared of his incandescent rage.

I bet if you examine your relationship this is not the only area in which he’s this controlling.

What are his good points? What you describe is bizarre and controlling.

He’s being ridiculous

But you look after her when he is out so his arguement fails. If you both have something on the same night then neither of you are available and your parents step in and she has a lovely time. I absolutely cannot see his point and I would be furious that he feels his arrangements take priority over yours, selfish arse.

Your partner sounds a bit unhinged and controlling What is he like in general?

Why does it always fall to you to find childcare when you are both out? Tell him that as he feels this way, when there are clashes in future then you will take turns to source childcare - you can ask your parents when it’s your turn, and he can make his own arrangements (I’m working on the assumption that he goes out as much as you).

In a couple of years you won't need childcare! Tell him to put his dummy back in!

Thank you all for your support.

In general my partner is hard working, successful and kind.

I must admit that they do a little more than 50% of the 'pure' housework (predominantly laundry and cooking), but I certainly do my share, and of course all the jobs they don't like, and of course am there for all the homework etc.

This issue is, and has always been, their temper. Their threshold is low and ferocity high.

I think the predominant issue in this specific case is their feeling of guilt at working and not being able to be or have been a 'stay at home parent'. This guilt means that when I am out, they will always look after her, and never give to a parent. Their mother also has a great relationship with our daughter but seems (perhaps I'm being unfair) less willing to always step in––or (quite possibly) my partner is less willing to ask them.

When my partner goes out and I am home, obviously I look after our daughter, and we have a great time.

I think the issue is that, when we are double booked, the 'not doing it themselves' guilt my parter feels (I'm hypothesising) is assumed to be felt also my me, so when I show that it isn't (by getting my parents to step in), so their anger expresses.

I see this...but I simply don't think it is an issue if the only person complaining is my partner. Obviously it would be very different if our daughter (or parents) had an issue, but they just don't.

I think the issue is, as I say, 'pathological parity', but I recognise again that my view may be off, and I would never presume to know what it's like in someone else's head.

We've talked about it of course. Neither of us seems able to persuade the other of their view though, so the only remaining options when dates clash is one of us misses the date (or gig) or an almighty row.

Thank you all again.

So you never go out together? In 12 years?

We do, but rarely. In our daughter's first 5 years of life, I would guess at no more than 10 times. Even now, it's well, well under once a month. Perhaps 5 nights a year? There is just not the impetus on their part to be a partner outside of being a parent. At least, that's how it seems.

Why are you trying to hide what sex your partner is?

Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm not–I am a guy, she is my partner. Sorry, I should have been more clear, particularly as the assumption seems to have been the reverse!

OP is obviously thinking that if he/she states the sex of each of them, that the male partner will automatically get blamed for being male. I do wish people would stop this nonsense of thinking all mumsnetters are man haters. Your partner, male or female is acting like a prat and a bullying one at that. You should never be afraid of your SO’s temper and the fact that they equate your work with them going out drinking us ridiculous.

Xpost. I still think your partner is a prat.

After I posted I re-read your OP and noticed you were making a point of not stating their sex.

I still think your partner is a controlling nutcase.

There is absolutely no good reason or excuse for her behaviour and ridiculous demand that one of you must always stay in with your child. And she has anger management issues.

Funnily enough I assumed that OP was a man and then noted that most of the first posts assumed the opposite! There is a definite MN tendency to assume if a partner is being unreasonable they must be a man.

the only situation where you would BU if your parents were unsuitable to look after your children for some reason. Sounds like not the case here though.

From my point of view (as the DW) I prefer to 'save' the babysitting so we can spend time together. We have 3 sets of grandparents (mine parents are separated) that are all happy and keen to look after DCs but I don't like to take the piss.
I work longer hours and am frequently away, and I think I'd comment on it if DH used a babysitting 'favour' to do one of his hobbies when I was away.
When it's to do with his band / gigs he wouldn't agree to it if I had plans and I wouldn't make plans if he had something booked unless really unavoidable.

I'm not sure I'm explaining very well but I'd be annoyed if DH was frequently double booking because of the impact on our ability to do anything together. Incandescent with rage is ludicrous and controlling but does it stem from something similar?

This seems familiar - have you posted before?

The gigs and rehearsals for it is a hobby, yes?

There is absolutely no good reason or excuse for her behaviour and ridiculous demand that one of you must always stay in with your child. And she has anger management issues.

This.
The girl is 12 years old. Not a toddler.

We have a similar set up here-i am teacher/musician and DH has a totally different job. I regularly do rehearsals twice a week plus concerts/shows as and when they come up. He does shifts, so our shared calendar is pretty bonkers this week for example he was working every night Monday-Thursday and then I was working Friday evening. Tuesday when we had a clash we got a babysitter (our lovely next door neighbour’s daughter who is saving up to go travelling so is happy to babysit whenever she can ) the rule is that DH has a google calendar with all shifts and arrangements in. That has to be up to date at all times so that when I get asked to do something I can reply immediately. He doesn’t add anything social without just double checking with me first to make sure there’s not a clash. We rarely go out together as a couple as all our babysitting favours with GPs are taken up with work, but we don’t mind, we get plenty of time together at weekends etc.
There is no need for this level of rage from your partner, it sounds extremely aggressive and an overreaction.

OP is obviously thinking that if he/she states the sex of each of them,
that the male partner will automatically get blamed for being male.

I'm sorry, that's not the case. That was not what I was doing - I just described the situation as I described it. I confess I have no idea what all the two letter abbreviations mean, this is my first time on, so perhaps I am ignorant of mumsnetiquette?

I do wish people would stop this nonsense of thinking
all mumsnetters are man haters.

Again, I did not state or imply that. If you inferred it, it absolutely did not intend anyone to, although it was interesting to note that all the responses did assume gender. I'm not sure what that may or may not say about "all mumsnetters [being] man haters", if anything.

Either way though, as always, thank you for your support and comments.

Hi, I'm really sorry, I just don't know what DH/DW/DC/SO mean. I try, as far as at all possible not to have gigs scheduled on nights where my partner, and for the most part succeed. Occasionally they clash (perhaps once a year) and I try to arrange alternative sitting with grandparents. This angers my partner because (as I understand it) I think she believes that because she looks after our daughter when I am out, I should when she is, whenever she is. This seems to me to be manufacturing a zero-sum-game where none need exist: i.e. it being more about 'parity of inconvenience' rather than just solving the issue. But I could be being very insensitive.

unicorncupcake's perspective is interesting, doubly so as you are gigging/rehearsing even more than me but seem to incur less ire. I also tried exactly the GCal technique you describe but my partner refused because she said she didn't want all my calendars gumming up hers. This was/is unfortunate because it removes a good organisational tool, and makes errors more likely, for which I am then blamed––which is fair enough when they are my errors, but a little frustrating given there are two solutions she seems disinclined to use: grandparents and a GCal.

To be clear, I totally share the point about not wishing to exploit my parents, but these instances are rare: just not rare enough for her.

That is a frankly ridiculous argument on her part. She sounds really controlling and unnecessarily angry. I’m lucky that DH was/is also a musician and when we met and before DCs we were playing in concerts and gigs all over the place. The VAST majority of playing I do is work, and I am paid well for it. It pays for Christmas and our holidays. I rarely, if ever do evening concerts if they are unpaid, unless it’s a particular favour for a friend. DH plays in an amateur music ensemble that rehearses weekly, and plays in various concerts and events particularly at Christmas and at summer fetes etc in July and August. I never complain about the time this takes up, as he deserves a hobby! Asking caring willing grandparents to occasionally babysit is hardly taking advantage.

I think the gigs are actually part of your profession certainly not "just" a hobby or your social time. This means that the gigs need to happen.

You are doing what you can to avoid clashes you arrange the childcare when you are 2nd to arrange going out.

Your partner needs to either accept it or offer a solution. She sounds very controlling being so objectionable to grandparents babysitting, presumably she is mainly in bed so you are not exactly opting out of parenting