How do you manage with no family support?

[Hannah2199]

We have 3 children under the age of 7. Think we are generally managing quite well but having no family support is exhausting.

For example, during the summer holidays my friends say their kids went to grand parents house, aunties and uncles, cousins etc. During the week they might pop out to the shops or cinema or something.

Really made me think about how much pressure me and OH are under. We are in sole charge (during the week its mainly just me as OH works very long hours). OH is very helpful when he is here. Tryi g to manage school runs, after school clubs, shopping, general entertainment, cooking, bedtime - the usual. Its getting very draining. Should add that our youngest is still a baby.

We do have family about an hour away who would help on special occasions like birthdays etc. Though that becomes logistically difficult as they usually request to look after kids at there own house (fair enough) but adds extra hour or so driving etc

We do so many clubs s in the week so kids get a bit of interaction with other role models etc.

What do other people do? Probably not going to be a solution but I'm interested to know what I can do to preserve my sanity in the long term. My only me time is popping out to the supermarket once ir twice, or the occasional couple of drinks with friends maybe once every 3-6 months. I didn't think parenting would be this intense but this has now become the norm.

I am a single parent to 3 kids and have no one. You are not on your own in thinking how does everyone else do it. I just have too, have no choice, because if I do not do it who will?

We were similar with no family support and husband working long hours.
We used paid mothers helps and made good friends with older neighbours and colleagues so the children had surrogate grandmas and I had trusted support. Church also gave us a few slightly older supportive adults and a number of excellent babysitters.
We have a close network of friends who I could always drop the children off to if I was working early in the morning or had to take one for an appointment etc.
Holidays we planned meticulously. Luckily, my husband worked in education at that point and could juggle commitments during school holidays.

Well I think you do need to acknowledge that it is a tiring and challenging time, but it is what it is. Having small dc and fitting in everything they need, plus work, plus general life chores is exhausting and fills up all the time you can throw at it.

That said, I think it is important to ringfence a little bit of time for each of you to do something for yourself - whether that is a hobby or a sport or a book club or going for a run / swim / gym, or meeting a mate for a drink or meal or coffee. Make sure you then do it (which is why being part of a team or part of a choir or whatever is good as you would be letting people down if you don't go, whereas meeting one friend, it is easy to postpone if life gets in the way a bit).

Don't fret too much about the house looking lovely and give up ironing if you are doing that.

Find yourself someone who will get to know the dc and do some babysitting for you now and then as well.

That sounds like us. We are pretty much on our own. My parents are a bit further away and elderly but they would come in a blue light emergency.
You need to build a support network of friends. People who can do school pick if you're stuck and you'd do it for them too. Swap baby sitting favours etc. Accept you and DH don't get to go out much.

Well our situation is different. We work FT and have a nanny. So when she’s gone- she works 8-6 5 days a week but my work is flexible so i am back around 4:30 on most days. We have no body to take them otherwise. The nanny babysits once every 3-4 months, if that. But I try and see my friends separately and same with DH. Weekends are quite full on. Our kids are 7 and 2. They both sleep well so we have time alone when they are in bed. We have always done bedtimes, weekends, cooking all on our own.
What helps:

1. We have a cleaner. I also make the kids clean and tidy every single day before going up to bed. I have been fanatical about this from the moment they could walk! So they tidy up the play area under my direction. I do the kitchen. We all do the living room. So when they are in bed and I come down, the downstairs is tidy. I do regular loads of laundry (daily) and DH puts it away.
2. I love cooking and cook twice a week when the kids are in bed and freeze it.
3. Very strict bedtimes. Kids have never fussed about it generally but I run it with total precision (DH travels internationally for work so I have to solo parent for long stretches).

My kids didn’t hang out with family over the summer holidays. They have no family in the UK. They had play dates with friends etc. And we went on a week long holiday. I signed them up for some activities including swimming and tennis but otherwise they were with the nanny from roughly 8:30-4 every day. No, I don’t have time for my activities and neither does DH. And I am exhausted by 8 pm everyday (and usually have another hour of work since I leave early from work) and life is hectic but not unmanageable. DS2 was born a little sick and has had a few readmissions. That’s when it gets tough. One of us needs to stay in hospital and we have done these 12 hour swaps and so on. Fingers crossed this winter is sans any hospital admissions.

Lots of people don’t have family support. We don’t have anyone who lives near us (we were NC with MIL for several years and my family all live overseas). We managed by only having 2 dc with a big age gap, so it wasn’t quite so overwhelming. We both work which means no one gets left doing everything at home. We work long hours but flexibly so I have days when I’m out working and doing things I need to do and so does dh. The school run, activities, homework, cooking can be exhausting, but it’s more manageable when you don’t have to do it every day. We each do it 2-3 days a week. Dc don’t do many activities so we don’t run around everywhere trying to squeeze everything in. Most days we come home and spend time together and do things around the house. Weekends are generally time for us all to be together (because we don’t really have days during the week when all 4 of us are home in the afternoon/dinner time). But we each do get time a couple times a year for time away. Dh goes to visit friends for the weekend. I often travel. I’m going on holiday for 4 days alone next week (it’s wonderful, I do it every year to re-charge).

I think a lot of it comes down to finding balance between you. It would be a lot harder if dh was the only one working and I was at home carrying the whole load. Because it’s shared, neither of us gets too burnt out.

Your youngest is still little probably (mine is 19 months now), but when older, you should find ways to have time to yourself. Go away for the night or a weekend, spend an afternoon doing something. Your dh presumably works long hours and misses out on a lot of time with your dc. So weekends he would be making up that lost one on one time while you have a chance to take a breath.

No family support here either.

I would reduce clubs and activities. There's no need to worry about them getting other role models, I think.

Also make sure you have easy dinners on nights w activities. Beans on toast with some cucumber is a meal.

I was a single mum of one working full time with all immediate family living abroad.
It was very hard work. I literally had nobody to help until he was all adult.
We just blundered through really. We didn't do too much, he had cubs and scouts and art leson's but that was it really.

I work evenings. DH works from home.
I'm overseas from my family, DH's family are as much use as a fart in a storm.
We've made some good friends through DS' school, at least 5 sets of parents we could call at a moment's notice.
DS has a different classmate over once a week for dinner, then goes to another's house for dinner perhaps once a fortnight.
He does once per week: swimming, aikido, library club.
I don't work Fridays so those afternoons are spent drinking beer coffee in the main square with other mums while the kids run about, glorious!
Summer is 22 June until 2 Sept, very very long. DS goes to a sports club every morning (always pool, then anything like table tennis, judo, rugby, etc) during July, August and September at home. Mostly beach, dog walking in the mountains, or relaxing with his toys.

Having said all this, I went out for dinner with a friend last night, first dinner out in 8 years (DS is 8), not including work dinners. DH and I have had 10 nights without DS in 8 years.

I know if we were in the UK my dad would love to get DS from school once a week as go look at trains! And have him overnight, they have a lovely bond. DM would be next to useless (narc). DSis is also abroad, different country. I don't have family in one place in the UK, so a network if aunties etc wouldn't work there.

You make do with what you've got and juggle. It has got easier as DS has got older. And I'm afraid we stopped at one DC due to time and money restrictions.

12th September, not 2nd! I wish!

Www.sitters.co.uk

Mother's help or a cleaner as finances permit

Both doing flexible working for a 4 day week

We have 3 children and no family close by. We are run ragged with work, school and clubs, cooking, cleaning and trying to have some quality time at weekends.
We recently had our first night away on our own in 12 years! How sad that is, but that's our life so we just get on with it and try not to feel jealous of others who leave their kids with family regularly and have Groupon weekends away!

It was really really hard. We had three under four and DH worked internationally. I may have become slightly unhinged at times, but we all survived, and they are now happy healthy teenagers. Ironically DH is now UK based and even works from home a lot. Getting them out every day and keeping busy was the most important thing. We also found a great babysitter who we used at least once a month.

I’m a single parent with a four year old, I work part time over four days so I can generally dodge before school club and just use after school club.

I have one family member who has him about once a month, I have started using a babysitter one evening a week. In the school holidays I will be using a childminder, no other choice.

I still go out a lot, I just take him with me, tonight my friends are having a gaming night so he’ll just come along.

It is hard, but you just crack on OP. Get out with them every day, even just to a local park for them to make mud pies.. it doesn’t have to be a specialist child centre or play centre iykwim.

I’ve got no family support at all, in fact I’m finding I’m increasingly, and solely looking after an elderly parent too. Couple that with work and it’s very intense.

Kids get used to what they know - just give them plenty of eye contact and listen to them.

Count your blessings as well... I don’t mean to patronise, but I find just taking a moment to be grateful always helps.

We just do it. Dh is also away for a week at a time. So the kid's and I just do everything together on our own, drs appointments, ovary scans, smear tests, shopping, etc etc. It helps I freelance from home so am always available, but it's all doable.

Just lonely at times. And groundhog day-ish. It gets easier personally the older they get.

Thanks it's good to hear we are not the only ones. I do definitely feel grateful for the things we DO have but at the same time feeling intense pressure. Planning to give up work as childcare costs way more than I would earn and will reduce stress of commuting and pick ups etc. Some people have mentioned a cleaner or nanny unfortunately we are not in a position to do that. Hopefully when kids are older I can pencil in some me time, like in 2024 when youngest is at school 🤣

We are in the same situation regarding family, absolutely no one. But we just have 1 DC, and we find that difficult enough. It's tough seeing others with so much nearby family assistance, or even family not necessarily local but who take the kids for a week at a time (or more). It's relentless being on our own, day-in day-out, responsible for everything, i totally relate OP.

As usual, money would offer more options - pay for childcare, cleaning, half-term/summer clubs, nanny etc. But we can't afford much.
One of my friends who is a single mum has just got an au pair, maybe a possibility?
Hang in there OP, you're not alone x

I know of drag myself through each day. I'm a LP and work PT, but it's still awful.
There aren't any magic answers I'm afraid. All the meal planning and schedules don't really mean anything as everything seems to snowball year after year .
I do multi task my running and do a supermarket trip at the end. That's as good as it gets.

'Kind of drag myself...'
Too tired to type nicely.

Never had family support. We paid for babysitters and in the early days had a babysitting circle with friends in a similar position.
Mine went to bed early ( by 7) so I had peace in the evenings. Dh and I had time to ourselves on Saturdays while the other had the dcs.
I refused a lot of party invitations so weekends were relaxing. No child needs parties every week!

No great advice but we are the same. My mum is dead, I don’t have contact with my dad. I’m an only child and no other family. Dh is no contact with his family. He has severe depression, I have chronic health problems and one of our dc has severe autism. Despite all that we’re a very happy family and just muddle through! We haven’t been out alone together for 7 years!

Would love advice on this as we are in the same boat. Just one DD, nine months, so far. Wasn’t even sure who to put as an emergency contact for nursery which she’s just started! I’ve made some great mum friends since having DD but seemed a bit early to ask.

We've been in the same position for six years and I can't say it really gets any easier.

Our dc are now 14, 11 and 6.

Some things are easier like we can leave them home alone together for a few hours.

But dh and I do feel like there's no back stop and it's us or nothing. It makes me feel quite anxious sometimes especially if he is a flight away which happens once a month or so.