Haven't got DD to school today

[Scarlett555]

My DD (4) has just started reception. She's been very clingy and cried at every drop off but the teacher says she's been fine after a few minutes and joined in with the other children.

She was like this at nursery so struggles with separation anxiety.

Last Friday she told me she sat on her own at playtime and lunch time and cried. She says she doesn't have any friends but she does know one girl from nursery who is very friendly to her.

This morning she screamed, sobbed and begged me not to send her to school. No amount of threats or cajoling made any difference. She says she hates it and never wants to go back. It's a lovely, little school!

She's currently in her bedroom calming down and I'm wondering how on earth to get her there this morning. She is big for her age and I am pregnant so physically carrying her isn't an option! Any tips??

My 4 year old did this every day for the three months we took her. We couldn't take it anymore and decided to home educate her. The best thing we ever did.

Do the school realise how bad it is? If the teacher is inexperienced, they may not have heard how serious it is. I would call in and explain what happened, and ask for a meeting with a member of the SLT to discuss strategies.
For instance, they could big her up by giving her a "job" to look forward to every day, e.g. bringing something to the office or ringing the bell for school.
The most important thing is that she attends or else it builds up to a major issue.
Good luck.

Thanks imaflutteringkite me and my partner both work so home education isn't an option but am considering putting her back in nursery and trying again next September. She's a July baby so young for her year.

But maybe that would really set her back!

Firstly I would keep her off today. Call school and arrange a meeting ASAP. Ask about a 'soft' entry where you can take her into the office rather than by her line a couple of minutes early so she has a chance settle before the mad rush. She is maybe just overwhelmed. Also ask the.mm what buddy system they have in place as no child should be sitting alone.

I feel your pain! My son was like it at nursery and year R. However, he did suddenly start managing to go without tears and is now happy. We arranged with the teacher that he could take a cuddly toy that he could put in the teachers cupboard and he could go and get it if he felt sad. He was also given a 'special job' to do when he arrived which gave him something to focus on (watering a plant!) Do you think you could get her into a car and someone from the school help you the other end? Honestly, I know how horrendous it is, but you will make a rod for your own back if you don't remain firm (but sympathetic!) And try and get her there. Good luck!

Yesterday the TA got her to help with ordering all the lunches which did really help but we have to get her to school first!

I can't actually get her out the house today.

And the school - no idea what mm is

You have my every sympathy. My 3 have all gone through phases like this. Things that have helped (and it does depend on your individual child):
Involve school so they can be prepared with eg a TA on hand
Taking a teddy/cuddly in with them
Reward charts at home and school
Special jobs to help with
Routine routine routine
Not letting them stay off unless have been sick or got a temp (but when they are tiny they do sometimes just get exhausted so this has to flex)
Sometimes schools have little groups for children who struggle for a variety of reasons - anxiety, socially etc. Ask school.
Also ask or find out if the teacher has children - this makes a huge difference and I know from friends who teach and have gone back after maternity who say they really didn’t understand the stress and upset when it’s your own child who is struggling.
Keep things calm (often easier said than done)
And just give yourself a pat on the back - you are doing all you can and it’s really fucking hard sometimes

PS the book What to do When You Worry Too Much is excellent for 6-12yo. You could prob do some of the techniques with a 4yo though.

Listen to her!-its not you who has to be threatened&cajoled into getting over the threashold of this 'kids paradise' everyday..clearly not the place for her.My youngest DC was like this &then at primary1st term absolutely shellshocked at the end of each day is how id describe her behaviour..Her teacher told me he class was very 'lively and active and she would grow into the change in noise&adjust'i pulled her out&homeschooled her& in the end&when she found the language for it she managed to tell me how horrendous she found the noise,incessant chatter&having to sleep at lunch time&rarely going outside&the couple of hideously behaved kids constantly being admonished in her class
..school isnt for every child&miserably fails so many especially quieter,more thoughtful &gentle ones! .Homeschooling rates have doubled in year where i live as people are waking up to this.

what helped for us was half days till October half term. That was school's policy anyway. With my more clingy child, that continued until June, 3 days a week were half day. Getting through to lunch was easy and made going to school less of a transition. Then he began to look forward to afternoon activities.

Dd was also clingy, and would do the out and out refusal, but strangely wasn't happy at home either, so I would ramp up the calm cosy time after school (no activities) so that going to school feels like a fun thing to do where the best activities/socialising happens. She was v sociable as well as clingy so a combination of approaches worked for her, maximum cosiness after school, (no afterschool club for example) early night, and then reinforcing the fun aspects of school, friendships etc.
But half days really helped in the beginning. Is that an option. These are kids that did 9-3 twice a week at nursery so they were used to some full days, but school is different, much more exhausting.

@Nettleskeins not every family has the luxury of being able to homeschool

Thanks so much for all the suggestions. DD has calmed down a bit and agreed to go in at break - so 10.15. Hopefully she'll stay.

Need a plan as this can't happen every day so any other stories of what has worked for your kids would really help.

Also suggest letting her go in through office. That helped too. The "line-up and the cloakroom were what finished mine off, transition wise. Then they looked forward to it, it was part of the fun routine. But at the beginning, scary.

Does she have any friends locally that you could walk up to school with? I found that my dc loved meeting their little friends on the way up to school.

LemonPrism my children were not home schooled in Primary! I am just telling you what worked for us, was half days initially, and it was the school's policy too. Some parents complained bitterly about half days but it made a big difference to the children's transition.

Does the school have a pastoral worker at all? My DD's primary did and she used to help with children in this way, I saw the PW sitting in a car one morning talking to a child near the school, they were really good at doing whatever the child needed.

She has only just started, give her time to adjust. Trust me, when they get older, they'd be glad to see their friends at school!

Maybe arrange a playdate with a classmate - just be bold and ask.

they had to pluck me then 4-year old off me when I dropped her off, nowadays I'm not even allowed to wave anymore!

I managed to get her into school at playtime and the TA was lovely to her and some little girls came straight over and asked her to join in with their game, but she just clung onto me.

The TA took her off to play but I could just hear her screaming and crying 'Mummy Mummy Mummy' - I could still hear when I was halfway up the road. It's heartbreaking 😭

It’s still very new to her so at the moment I’d say be consistent and send her even if she is upset, hopefully she’ll settle quickly.

Thanks everyone. I have messaged a mum of a girl from her class to see if they can walk to school together tomorrow.