What level of anger is 'normal' in parenting?

[Iwanttodobetter]

I don't know where else I can ask this, please try not to judge me too harshly, I'm on here to ask for help and advice as I don't know that the way I feel sometimes is normal.

I have a 2 year old and a newborn and prior to being a parent I almost never got angry, especially at others, I never shouted and my emotions tended to come out as tears.

I know that it's not uncommon to lose your shit and shout at your kids, but after reading this article the other day, I'm worried that this is not in the normal range of angry 😔

Sorry for the lengthy post, I'm not sure how to write this exactly. At my most angry I have screamed and sworn, slammed doors, punched/kicked doors, thrown things, basically got so angry I've felt that I wanted to smash the house up.
I have always walked away from my son into another room to do this (but he's definitely heard it and it's upset him) and it tended to be when he was much much younger and I was really struggling with his sleep (he was a really really terrible sleeper). However very occasionally on a really really bad day I might still do some of the physical stuff like door slamming, although this is very very rare for me now.
I have never hit my son but there have been times I've been scared I have crossed some sort of line where I have handled him roughly or grabbed him hard and really really shouted at him.
I'm trying so hard to be calm and patient with him but I can go from Zen and calm to absolutely furious very easily. It doesn't help that he is two and hence being pretty bloody difficult and defiant in general. I've done a little better being calm with him recently but I can still seem to fully explode at him so easily. This doesn't translate into other areas of my life, I'm not generally angrier or more irritable.

I have some difficulties with noise sensitivity and overload due to a minor head injury (pre kids) and recently I've been particularly struggling with the baby crying whilst dealing with toddler demands.
I've screamed at my newborn to SHUT UP at the top of my voice and it horrifies me. It's so hard to describe but it's like the noise/stress is filling me up head to toe and I try to keep calm and keep it from spilling over but I just can't and it has to come out in this shouting explosion.
I don't know how normal it is to find the noise so hard to cope with as this is all I've ever known in parenting.

Here's the link to the article I mentioned earlier, I cried while reading this as I could relate so strongly to what the author said. She describes perfectly how I also feel at times.
parenting.nytimes.com/parent-life/mother-rage?fbclid=IwAR0ipyrlpXoEJ4ISKXG9RS5qS8rDaBSM801OvY0FDBkH8yvo1bQ5MHQg_Fg

I don't feel depressed (I have had depression once in the past but generally I don't experience on going mental health problems) or generally anxious or anything, mostly feel pretty happy, it's just my response to my toddler in particular feels so excessive sometimes.
I want to do better for him, he deserves a much calmer and gentler parent than I am managing to be 😔

I've been where you are. I've shouted at my dd far more than I should have. Certain things just drive me batty. I love my dd and she knows that but I honestly worry that in the sleep deprived early years I fear I may have caused some psychological damage.

For me I know where I went wrong and it took a long time to figure it out. I expected adult behaviour from my dd, it's like I forgot that she was a child. That she has to make mistakes and has no control over her emotions. I've changed my approach with her now and I rarely lose my temper with her. It's like cbt that each time it begins you need to remind yourself that they are children and stop yourself before anything happens. Walk away. Leave them somewhere safe and walk away and say to yourself they are only children and repeat until you calm down.

Yes hugsgalore this is where I go wrong. My DS has very good speech and is very articulate so I forget that he's only 3.

OP glad you and your DH have talked things through. If you found any links particularly helpful during your reading, please post them

There’s a really good thread from many, many years ago (I’ve been on here waaaay too long) started by a woman who knew she was struggling and being aggressive towards her children. Some other posters admitted they were in the same position and the thread ended up being a place of support, advice and mutual accountability. Back in the days when MNetters understood that someone asking for help needed just that... Anyway, the original poster was called redmist, and you should be able find it if you search. Well worth a read.

Someone on here also recommended a book called Buddhism for Mothers, which helped me when I was struggling with toddler DS and my anger. It’s not about converting to Buddhism, more about accepting that motherhood can be pretty shitty and coping with that fact.