Hysterical 8 month old. What am I doing wrong?

[Mybobowler]

First time mum to a very alert, inquisitive 8 month old - yet another post appealing for help and wisdom!

She has always - since she was five or six weeks old - cried at night. We started a consistent bedtime routine early on in response to her witching hour. I kept hoping she'd grow out of it, but here we are! After a lot of persistence, we're in a brilliant, consistent routine now - she self-settles happily in her cot for daytime naps. She eats well. She's a cheerful, smiley little thing during the day. No suggestion of allergies or reflux. But virtually every night at bedtime, as I put her down, she screams inconsolably for up to an hour, occasionally longer. It's awful. I haven't got a consistent way of dealing with it, because nothing ever seems to work - she just eventually goes to sleep/passes out. I'm not prepared to let her cry it out, and I've left her for short periods of time (5 or 6 mins) and it only makes her more upset and harder to eventually settle. I'm very sure this isn't normal, not for months on end, but does anyone have any experience? I'm back at work in a week - I'm sad and stressed that my daily interaction with her will soon consist mostly of desperately trying to calm her hysterical screaming. It's heartbreaking doing this every night, but I don't know how to help her. Any possible cause I can think of (wind, separation anxiety, teething etc) doesn't explain the fact that she's done this pretty much since day one.

And to make things worse, she's just recently started waking up screaming between 10-11pm. The only way to get her back down is by breastfeeding her, so my partner is unable to help.

Sorry for such a long post - I could go on! But if anyone has any words of wisdom or just reassurance, I'd be very grateful.

What happens if you change bed time? Or don't do the routine? Are you feeding to sleep or leaving her to self settle? Does she have a dummy?

It sounds really hard OP.

Just breastfed her then. She's a baby who wants to be with her mum. That's what she's supposed to do.

What a spectacularly unhelpful post, Whiskers. The OP never suggests that she doesn’t feed her baby, just that the fact that she will only settle with feeding means that her husband can’t help, which obviously impacts on the OP’s sleep.

I don’t really have any suggestions, except that I know some babies sort of use screaming as a way to wear themselves out before falling asleep. Could you try doing something in the evening that might shake up the routine and tire her out? Maybe some sensory play or some new bath toys?

My sympathies. My little girl is the same age and I’ve just returned to work. I know how these sorts of issues can seem especially bad when mat leave is ending and you don’t know how you’ll handle the baby plus work.

Just to clarify - I do breastfeed her at least once (more often twice) through the night! I'm feeding her right now. I sometimes do breastfeed her to sleep at bedtime, especially when she's very tired, but it only delays her screaming - she invariably wakes up half an hour later, and I have to resettle her.

@Bellsofstclements - oddly, not bothering with the routine is about the only thing we haven't tried. I think I've been telling myself that consistency is key, and it feels like the one thing I have some control over, but I guess if it isn't working I can afford to ditch it. She never took to a dummy, and I've given up trying.

@Foldinthecheese - I do think maybe it's just her way of doing things, she's certainly never been an easy sleeper. I hope your return to work has gone smoothly? It's feeling like an impossible hurdle at the moment - no idea how I'm going to manage!

Are you sure you’ve got her bedtime right? My same age DD did this when she was younger but now would only scream in a prolonged fashion if she’s overtired. We go up at 6 on the dot, bath, play, sleeping bag, feed, in cot for 6.45, she’s asleep 7 latest. I’d also check she’s not napping too long or late in the day, if this is the case she may not be tired enough.

Yeah, I'd try without it. My DS has a "routine" but it's as high octane as the rest of the day, any sort of relaxing doesn't work for him. Last night he jumped on pillows for 20 minutes.

The routine is likely now a trigger for the screaming. She knows what's coming and is upset. I'd keep her up later one night and get her into bed completely differently to how you do it now. The routine is making it worse.

maybe the things you eat makes your milk intolerable for her to digest.
can she take bottle?

Some babies are screamers- mine was. I think it was like a decompression and let out of everything during the day.

I brought bedtime forward which helped lots. I found there is a window in which I could get her to sleep peacefully and quickly and if I missed it she was be overtired and upset. She didn't have obvious sleep cues so by the time she was looking tired/ yawning etc it was too late! We did bedtime at 6pm. Some nights even earlier and that worked much better. It wouldn't be my choice to put her to bed that early but she she was so much better for it. She still goes at that time now and she has just started school! Try it bringing bedtime forward by 15mins each night and see how you get on

8 month sleep regression! Urgh! It's a killer!
My little one is 9 months old now and he's just coming out of it now... he usually sleeps through the night but the last month he was struggling To settle, my HV said it's because they are going through a brain developmental stage at around 8 months and they can't switch off at night when trying to sleep, a bit like when we have something really nerve wrecking the next day and we can't sleep and they are just looking for a bit of reassurance and usually a little cuddle
Sorry if it's a bit rambled my LO is crawling everywhere and has me on edge 😂

My first was like this. Napped no problem but nights were screamathons. Didn't cry at all in the day and still doesn't go to bed easily and is almost 8!

It's anxiety related here which I obvious now but not at the time.

I'm not sure you're doing anything wrong, maybe she is just a crier but I can tell you my eight month old routine if that helps?

Usually give her her last feed anywhere between half 7 and half 8. She is formula fed. Then it's nappy change, pyjamas and story. After that it's into her cot where I lay some teddy's and she kind of just writes around for about 10 minutes to wear herself out. She doesn't cry, she is happy at this point. Then she falls to sleep and I remove the teddy's. She is usually asleep by 9 at the latest and then sleeps through unless unwell, we had 3 nights of that last week so you have my sympathies.

What would happen if you bf her to sleep and then when she woke again an hour later? Would she then sleep as normal? All babies are different, self settling at night at that age isn't particularly common and it sounds really stressful for you - I'd be tempted to just go with whatever works for her until she's less frantic. Two wake ups a night sounds fairly reasonable so you're doing well. I've been there though and know how hard it is!

I agree with PP that maybe a change in the routine could help and also thinking about putting her to bed a bit earlier/later to see if she’s overtired or just not tired enough. When is her last nap?

DS was like this. Our solution was to co-sleep and I feed him during the night when he woke. It was the path of least resistance until he grew out of it.

Could she be teething? It's always more painful at night, or reflux is bad if she's prone.

Has she been checked for an ear infection, or glue ear, etc?

Thanks everyone for these helpful replies - some great advice and reassurance. I can totally see that our routine might be a bit of a trigger now, so we're going to tweak the timing and the order of things to see if that makes a difference. I start bedtime at 6pm with the aim of getting her down in her cot at 6.30/45. Nap-wise, she has a 30 minute morning nap at 9am, followed by a 2 hour nap from 12.30 until 2. If she doesn't sleep well at lunchtime, she'll have a very short power nap at 4.30ish to get her through to bedtime. I thought we were doing pretty well with the nap routine, but maybe I need to look at that too!

I think I will take her to GP as well, to rule out any physical causes.

Poor little thing - it's such a horrible way to end the day. Hoping we can figure it out!

My dd has breakfast and a then a nap about 9 half 9. Usually for an hour. Sometimes a bit longer. She will then nap again mid afternoon. Again usually for an hour, sometimes a bit longer. There does seem to be a big gap between afternoon nap and bedtime. Would be worth pushing both those ones back a bit I think.

If she doesn't sleep well at lunchtime, she'll have a very short power nap at 4.30ish to get her through to bedtime. I thought we were doing pretty well with the nap routine, but maybe I need to look at that too!

Sounds like a great routine except for that last bit - I would definitely avoid a nap that late at that age, even if she didn’t sleep well in the afternoon.