Is it selfish to work full time with a small baby

[Toastytoes1]

I’m pregnant with my first child and am trying to plan ahead. I could probably afford to go back part time (3 days a week). Just. If we didn’t mind living hand to mouth for all the childcare paying years. My worry is that we want 2 children and only want a few years between them so if I went back full time my maternity entitlement would be the same second time around and we could still afford for me to take the full year I plan to take this time, next time too. Also, we want to build an extension in the next few years and then our long term goal is to move to a village which is much more expensive than where we are now.... there just seems to be so many things we would like to do that make much more sense if I go back full time but I can’t help but feel its selfish of me when a baby doesn’t care about these things that we care about and would probably prefer the extra time with me when they’re still so young.
I know I’m in an incredibly privileged position where I don’t have to give up work because of the cost of childcare but I’m also the main earner in our family and its not an option for my husband to give up any hours at work because he’d lose everything he’s built up the past 7 years (he’s self employed and just couldn’t do his job part time). We would lose a lot of income by me cutting my hours and we would just be able to afford to get by and likely worry about money every time an MOT was due etc. We won’t be well off with me working full time but we’ll have just that little more to put away each month to work toward our goals and have a bit of rainy day money. So do you just mind if I ask, what do others think? I haven’t made up my mind at all, and don’t really need to for a fair while, but I am leaning towards full time... even with the mum guilt already kicking in.

MAke your mind up after baby is born. You will then know better what works best for you and your family.

You need to do what’s right for your own family set up and it sounds as though you’ve got that planned out really well.

I worked full time from my first and don’t feel the slightest bit guilty, just as I imagine our husbands don’t feel guilty despite not even earning as much.

The financial side is important to me as I grew up in a SAHP family and wished my parents hadn’t made those financial sacrifices. They were too much and more income would’ve made my upbringing better

No my mum worked full time and it didn’t bother me at all. In fact I liked the independence. She’s a great role model too. Also great to stay at home - both have advantages of course.

I wouldn’t bother with the extension if you’re going to move house in the future. The only value they add is the value you put in so you don’t make money off them, builders are a bloody nightmare and your neighbours won’t thank you for the noise, mess and inconvenience.

Wait and see how you feel when baby arrives. It sounds like you would be better off working full time from what you’ve said but you won’t know how you feel until baby arrives. I’m just about to return 3 days per week and I know I’d be struggling massively if I was having to return full time, even the thought of being away from her 3 days feels like too much right now.

I'd see how you feel when baby is here, I was planning on going back full time, but I didnt want to when it came to it so work 3 days a week which works for us. Whatever you chose though it isn't selfish. You have to think about what you want as well, they will be safe in nursery or with a childminder etc- but see whether you want to be away from them so much.

Although I think planning ahead is good - I think maybe you’ve been planning too much here. I wouldn’t bother worrying about extensions/ moving to the country etc until a few years later. If you want children in fairly close succession you could put that on hold and save towards it when the kids are old enough for you to access some free hours of childcare or even when they go to school. It’s not selfish at all to work if that’s what you want - but it sounds like you would rather spend the time with your children and so it’s a bit sad for you to miss out on that and possibly regret later. Similarly, planning for two children may not be necessary either - I used to think I wanted two in quick succession but quickly changed my mind about that after DS arrived. I would reorganise/prioritise your plans, keep an open mind about how soon you want a second child, and see if that offers a more balanced solution.

I think there is a lot of anxiety around this where if I am honest 6 years on with my eldest I realise it's not as do or die as it feels when they are newborns.

I have for various reasons had different periods, sometimes they have had to be in full time childcare as I worked long hours to keep a roof over their head and sometimes they have been at home.

What I genuinely realised is as long as you keep up the attention and support at home it honestly doesn't devastate them long term. I found it harder , the mum guilt was enormous.

When the DC were babies I had to work full time to keep the wolf from the door and now I am grateful that I inadvertently kept my career going, ironically it meant those hard years got me senior enough I can now work school hours mostly. Had I not gone back to work I would still need to jump to my employers tune.

They flourished in nursery and loved it , it did wonders for their social skills.

Saying all of that , it was very hard, a sickness bug was horrific when they were off for 48 hours , full time work meant we were scrambling to get time off (and when they first went it seemed bloody constant), many a time when dashing from a meeting to get to the nursery before pick up time I wished I could stay at home.

I guess what I'm saying is there are downsides to both options, but despite some fairly awful people asking me why I bothered having children if I stuck them into nursery full time we have come , more or less , out the other side. Ds2 is in his last year of nursery but it's in his brothers school, for me now it seems more important to be around than when they were babies .

As babies they had less concept of mum working but now it matters to them that I can pick them up from school and we walk home and talk about their day.

What I do remember is the comments form others and the opinions everyone and their dog seemed to have. I now realise they weren't worth a damn, i did what i had to do, i tried ( sometimes failed) to make the best decision i could at the time and honestly we survived, and did well. Make your decision that feels right, i learnt ignoring my own instincts generally turned out to be a bad idea.

Also the money does help, people who say it takes away from your time with your child have usually never experienced the stress of a failed mot and no money to fix it, the stress takes you away anyway really.

The peace of mind that we weren't struggling I honestly feel made me a better calmer mum

Sorry not a definite answer just my experience , it's a double edged sword but you can only do what works for you

I went back to work full time a year after my first baby was born. It was a new job, amd I wouldn't have got reduced hours at that time. I was so worried about the effect on my lovely happy baby, and I promise he remained the same lovely happy baby. He did brilliantly at nursery, the staff all knew and loved him, and it honestly only did him good.

I went on maternity leave again, after I'd been in my role 1.8 years. While off for another year, I kept my now 3 year old at home most of the time too (he did 1.5 nursery days after about 5 months).

After my year off, both children are now at nursery 3 full days a week - I have a day off a week, and my husband now does compressed hours, so has a day at home with the boys too. I also work a day a week form home (when boys are at nursery).

I much prefer this set up to working full time and full time nursery, but what I'm saying is that playing the long game can really work. I stuck with the new job with the idea that after a year or two I could go down to 4 days etc, and that thankfully worked out. And honestly, full time nursery really wasnt the end of the world at all, if you have a quality nursery and make the most of all of your out of work time with your baby.