Guilt when baby gets hurt - please help me handle it

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Hello ladies of MN,

Does anyone have a verbal hand-hold for me, or any good articles you can point me to about this? My DS (my first DC) is 10 months and is at the stage of pulling himself up to standing, and getting up to speed with crawling. In the last 2 days he has hurt himself 3 times by falling over, once quite badly (resulted in a bruise on his head, has been checked by the GP, all fine), and all 3 times I could have been holding him more securely / stopped him doing what he was doing. I was watching him every time, it’s not like I’d turned my back. I’m in the middle of baby-proofing. I also know that accidents are bound to happen. But I feel so awful, out of all proportion. My DH was there for the last of the 3 falls and said he thought I should have been being more careful with him. That may well be true, but his reaction has just tipped me over the edge. I feel horrific. I just want to go to bed and cry myself to sleep now, and then in the morning hand him over to someone who knows what they’re doing. I feel like the worst mum to my little boy, and I’d been doing so well until now. Please does anyone have anything to say that will make me feel better?

I think we've all been there. My son was climbing out of his highchair last night (the latest delightful 'phase'), and when I went to put him back in, he fell over and banged his lip on the table. He must have bit his tongue because it was bleeding. Obviously, he started crying a lot. These things happen, we have to forgive ourselves because we're only human and not robots. It's not possible to be careful enough to prevent every accident - although I'm sure you're trying your hardest to. Be kind to yourself, being a mum is a tough job

My DH was there for the last of the 3 falls and said he thought I should have been being more careful

What made him exempt from blame if he was there?

The way children learn how not to fall over and bang their heads us by falling over and banging their heads.

Why didn’t your DH watch him more carefully?

But if it helps- my ds pulled a doorstop over and broke his finger at about this age. While I was drinking tea with my friend. 3 months later I shut the same finger in the car door. He’s 18 now, and still holds up his slightly bent middle finger to guilt me out when he wants something. It happens, OP. And it’s absolutely fine. And your Dp is being a bit of a dick.

I think alot of parents go through this, it's really severe on the first child which is understandable as we are all only learning and don't know if the child is hurt badly or not.

Prob no help whatsoever to you but mine are pre teens, late teens and I still feel awful guilty and upset when they hurt themselves here.

Your dh shouldn't have said what he said, maybe he spoke without thinking. Either way, ignore his comment, if it happened on his watch he'd be blaming the child.

I have a dd who has epilepsy and 9 times out of ten when she has a bad seizure she breaks a bone somewhere. The guilt is horrendous for me even though I know the only way to protect her would be to actually wrap her in bubble wrap but that's not pratical.

For your lo it's all part and parcel falls, bumps and bruises, they are learning a completely new thing and it happens to all babies/toddlers.

OP, brace yourself for a lifetime of this. Tonight my good friend has posted about her "baby" being knocked off his motorbike with considerable (non life threatening) injuries but he's in hospital. He's 25. It never stops!

My own personal hell was when my daugher was 2.5 (she's 21 next week) and we'd been out to do a grocery shop and I was lugging stuff in and she was shouting at me to take her boots off, at the same time the phone rang and it was the HV to make an appointment for a standard developmental check...I had phone in crook of my neck while trying to pull boot from DD. I pulled too hard. It was my fault. DD fell back and hit her head on tiled floor. She had a fit and appeared to lose conciousness. I had to hang up on HV and call an ambulance. We'd had such a normal morning unti then. I had to put her in recovery. Ambulance was there in minutes. Fortunately she revived very quickly to the point that the paramedics decided to leave her with me wrapped up on sofa and with "keep an eye" instructions. I was horrified and mortified and it haunts me to this day. I will never forget that. Had to ring HV and tell her I'd knocked out my own child while trying to get her boot off. As I said, she's 21 now, no ill effects, except to me...and I will never forgive myself

These things happen, DS is nearly 2 and I’m not gonna lie I’m wishing his time away to be a bit older as much as I adore him he is such a high energy whirlwind that I’m sure he’s trying to give me a heart attack! He runs and climbs everything! The worst one for me so far is when he bumped his head (13 months at the time) and threw up an hour later went straight to A&E waited for 9 hours with me and DP covered in sick unable to count the amount of times he’d been sick in the waiting room, to be told the bump was a coincidence and he’s come down with a sickness bug and my god did we know it we were all absolutely floored with it for the next week.

My DH was there for the last of the 3 falls and said he thought I should have been being more careful with him. That may well be true, but his reaction has just tipped me over the edge. I feel horrific. I just want to go to bed and cry myself to sleep now, and then in the morning hand him over to someone who knows what they’re doing. I feel like the worst mum to my little boy, and I’d been doing so well until now.

OP, I'm sorry you feel like this. If your DH was there for many of these times, what was he doing? You can babyproof, that's easy. They all go through phases of this and some seem more adventurous or have more falls than others. But his reaction - of judging your parenting while not taking any parenting responsibility himself (letting you do it all) - seems to be the real issue. If DS is 10mo, has DH ever looked after him by himself? Then perhaps he would get it. Do you have someone IRL to speak to? be kind to yourself

Op all kids get bumped every now and then, that's life. DS is almost 2 and constantly has little bumps on him that seem to appear from nowhere, he spends a lot of time outside so gets knocked knees etc. They stumble when they learn to walk. It's nothing to beat yourself up about.
I work in pharmacy and every day we get children in with grazes/bruises/bumps to the head. One mum had a health visitor appointment that afternoon and her baby had fallen off the bed and had a little bump on her head. She was absolutely fine, we told her not to worry.

Op, your baby has a great mum who cares and worries for her child. Unfortunately he has a dickhead for a dad who needs to learn to be a LOT more supportive.
I love my ds and would do anything for him. During the two years I was a sahm he rolled off the bed, fell in a pond (I caught him as he fell but he still got wet), got stuck in the cat flap and chewed a washing tab dropped by his stepsister.
Every mum has horror stories. You can only do your best. And have a sharp word with your dh about helping more and judging less. x

You haven’t done anything wrong OP, and I think it’s normal to fret a bit when babies first become mobile - they are bound to be clumsy so falling over and knocking heads (within reason) is completely normal. And they do learn from it - if you’re constantly handholding then they won’t improve as easily. They’re bones are much softer than ours and proportionately they are much closer to the ground when they fall - doing themselves serious damage just by crawling or pottering about is actually quite unlikely. You’ll get used to it - you have no choice really - babies and toddlers will fall over and will knock their heads from time to time (up to a millions times a day can be normal from my experience...)

DD (14 months) hurts herself about 3 times an hour! She's been walking for 4 months now so is well used to it but it's just a fact of life for a small child. A good cuddle if she cries sorts her out fine and no lasting damage.

DH should have been watching just as much.

These things happen, please don't beat yourself up. My youngest was recently sat at the table strapped into one of those padded seats that strap onto the chair. She pushed against the table with her feet and went flying backwards. It was horrendous but she's fine. She's fallen off the sofa more times than I can count. It's constant at this age.

I work in a nursery and even there while children are being watched at all times, accidents happen. We're all human and can't always get there in time. Children climb, fall, bump heads etc while they're learning. We do all that we can to prevent it but we can't stop it completely.

I'm another one wondering why you needed to be more careful and not your dp though?

They fall over all the time, it's part of learning. My DS just used to topple backwards all the time when he first started cruising. He's a big fan of falling in public places - the zoo, any playground, a cathedral.

Honestly, it's how they learn, and you soon learn which of the falling over is a scoop them up and cuddle and which is an 'oopsy daisy, silly floor, let's get up" moment.

We are going through this, DS is 9 months, fearless and cruising so has frequent bumps. We also have hard floors. I think you just have to get used to it to a certain extent, and try to minimise risks by babyproofing within reason, and knowing when to hover behind them. Ki It's hard and I get the guilt thing. But DS sometimes manages to injure himself when doing the easiest stuff like sitting, often in absurd and (imo) unpredictable ways, so unless I never put him down these things will happen. And some babies are mobile earlier, less cautious than others etc. But no baby crawls, walks or runs without some tumbles along the way.

Looking after him is both parents' responsibility not just yours. I would consider if the criticism was valid from a safety perspective, or whether he is treating you like the default parent and not taking on any responsibility himself. You might just have different ideas on risk/ safety though - my DH is from a culture where they're (too) relaxed about health and safety but worry endlessly about babies getting ill from the wind and would keep him indoors when there's more than a breeze!