Monster in law

[Motherofgirls3]

Please tell me I'm not the only one who doesn't want their LO staying away 'too soon'? I know everyone has a different idea of when that is, but I'm been criticised by my Mother in law for 'not allowing' her to be a Nana because I don't want my 3mo staying away just yet and don't have a time frame on when the right time will be. How do people politely say no, without been painted badly for making that choice? Feel like there's little respect for our parenting choices as we're doing things so differently to her 'normal' 🤯

Just say no, don't worry about offending her, it's her choice to make things difficult if she doesn't like your answer :) best of luck. X

Yes I agree 3 months is a little early and you'll know when it feels right. She'll just have to lump it.

My mother was pushy like that from day one... just say “We’ll ask when we’re ready, thanks!”

Ask her if she let her own MIL take her 3month old baby overnight. I’ll bet that she didn’t.

Cold hard stare like Paddington, all parents need to master this. No need to worry about offensive someone who has no boundaries, they'll be offended no matter what you do.

Mil I have waited 9 months for baby to get here why would I let her be away from me after only 3 months?
When she is old enough to ask to sleep over at dgms she can.
That's totally acceptable imo.

My DC were 4 & 2 when they had their first sleep over I wasn't ready for them to be without either me or DH till then and the grandparents weren't ready till then either

3 months, 6 months, 9 months....you do whatever you feel is right and don't really have to explain yourself that much either.
I'd feel the same as you OP.

Next time she pushes for a time frame, reply “When she’s old enough to ask!”
Honestly, I don’t think this was such a thing when I was younger, I wonder if social media has a part to play in all this competitive grandparenting and need to be in the delivery room/ have tiny babies staying over without their mothers etc.
“Not letting her be a Nana” is a childish and ridiculous thing to say, unless you refusing to allow her to see the baby. She seems to be confusing “nana” with “mother”.

Thank you all so much for your responses, it's been bringing me so much anxiety thinking about giving in when I don't believe my LO is ready, that been said neither am I! It rattles me that she can't respect our choices, our door is always open for her to visit and we've offered to visit her ourselves, but apparently it isn't the same as having LO over night, alone! It was unheard of when I was younger, however she parents very differently to myself and my partner... Her children have always been aloud to go have 'sleepovers' and the same goes for our niece/nephew, from as early as a few weeks old! Like I said in my original post; people have their own 'normal' but she's putting so much pressure on it and making me feel so much guilt for not allowing her to bond or be a Nana to our LO 😩👍🏼

A few weeks old?! That is absurd. My MIL often refers to me and baby as the "dyad". Meaning mother and child as a single unit until baby is older. The baby doesn't need anyone but you until he or she is much older. Your MIL is crazy to even ask. I would ignore her. It doesn't benefit your child to be carted over to this mad woman for her "alone" time and it is purely for her own selfish interests. Your child is not a toy.

Just tell her no. She'll just have to get over it I'm afraid. MIL was like this and kept going on and on about her niece letting her babies stay over from a few weeks. It was ridiculous and I just no, explaining why I thought it wasnt healthy for a baby to be away overnight at that age. You need to keep being firm on your boundaries because soon baby will have a lot more happening that MIL will no doubt try and enforce her views on. I hate MILs that treat baby like a doll rather than a tiny human with needs. Oh and I had to almost school my MIL in caring for DD when she had her for a few hours as she harped on about loving babies but had forgotten even the basics of childcare.

Yes, a few weeks old! I'm exclusively breastfeeding my LO, which up until now has been enough of an 'excuse' to say no, but it all blew up over the weekend and she's criticised me massively for it! She's not one to have an adult conversation either, more often than not a small comment that you or I would take in and think about, results in a vile response. We are currently 'taking a break' from her, to give ourselves some head space and set our boundaries but I was starting to question myself and our parenting choices.

You are not wrong.

An EBF baby needs its mother overnight (yawn... unfortunately sometimes!). An EBF mother needs her baby near too, for that matter - mastitis isn’t fun.

Grandparenting is not about time spent with the grandchildren, it’s about the quality of the relationship.

Keep your distance.

Is this your MIL
www.gransnet.com/forums/grandparenting/1253960-Dil-won-t-let-me-be-grandma

I can't work out how an ebf baby could go away for a night before they stop taking night feeds (which was at 2 years here!)

I would just quote SIDS stats at her and say it's best baby stays with you for the first year.

It rattles me how entitled some Grandparents can be... I can only imagine the excitement they must feel, welcoming a grandchild in to the world, but surely there's healthier ways to go about it than putting down LO's parents for making these choices? It's brought a lot of stress and upset in to our lives having to say 'no', however politely we've tried to put it. I'm grateful for all of your responses though, maybe now I won't loose sleep with the anxiety it's bringing 🤯

OP please please do not give in! You are being manipulated to the point where you are beginning to doubt your own choices. You are absolutely 100% right NOT to allow your baby to be away from you overnight. My daughter’s baby is the same age as yours and I wouldn’t dream of asking to have her overnight! I spend quite a lot of time with my daughter and the baby (at the request of my daughter) and help out as much as I can in practical ways eg shopping, ironing etc but the baby needs her Mum, especially as like your LO she is exclusively breast fed. You need to be confident in your own decisions and don’t allow your MIL to bully you, which she is doing. Be firm in the knowledge that you are right. You welcome her to visit the baby whenever she wants, which is nice of you. She is being very silly because she will drive you away if she is not careful. If she chooses to have a tantrum over your decision, let her get on with it. To be honest, I would be very concerned about letting my child stay with a person who attempts to control like this.

It's a sense of entitlement that comes from being narcissist. They literally cannot comprehend that their relationship with LO isnt top priority (even by LO or above LOs health and welfare). Does MIL show other narc traits because I bet this isnt an isolated incident?

MIL does this to DH e.g he can post a lovely pic of DSS and DD on FB and PIL only comment will be 'our grandchildren'. Not having a great time, not bro and sis bonding, not even a comment on what they are doing. They just simply have to state their claim. Drives me insane!

No, I wouldn't say it's an isolated incident. Before falling pregnant with my LO, a light hearted comment was made on her part that she'd like to be at the birth of any future Grandchildren, to which I agreed and laughed off as I didn't think it would actually result in me putting my own comfort behind her desire to be in the delivery room... I regret not standing my ground and saying no, as it resulted in her throwing a tantrum when I was rushed for an emergency c-section and didn't want to part with my LO moments after coming out of theatre, for her to hold (my partner had held her up until then, it was literally my first few moments!). She also shows very little interest in my 2 Daughters from a previous relationship, it's all about 'my Granddaughter' and it's become apparent how little she thinks of her Step Grandchildren. The family dynamic is very strange and there's a lot of animosity there at the moment.

She sounds awful, especially with the way she treats your step children!
I can’t believe she wants your ebf baby overnight. That’s utterly ridiculous.
I’m guessing her favourite phrase is ‘mine were fed from a bottle and turned out fine’!

My mil used to sit right next to me while I bf. Started sitting in a chair not the sofa and she scowled!
Don't even try to placate her op. Some you just can't.

Some people do send their babies for sleepovers with the grandparents from quite young, there is nothing wrong with it per se, but also if you don't want to do it that's also perfectly fine! It's just a different parenting style, not right or wrong.

That said she is being so completely unreasonable in terms of not respecting your preferences and what you've said you want, so I would absolutely not let her views bother you in the slightest from now on. Just treat them as totally irrelevant. Of course you're letting her be a grandmother.

My MIL knows no boundaries but even she wouldn't insist on overnights.... Forget about them being alone... And EBF to top it all! Even I know that WHO says they're supposed to be EBF for six months (I'm bottle feeding only but that's here nor there). She shouldn't insist upon it.

Just why does she want a stressed, screaming newborn at 10,12,2,4,6 and 8 anyway? (You know they'll wake up all the time if they're unsettled)

Her job as Grandma is to have occasional fun with the baby. Not slog through all the mucky parenting bits. She's done that already.

Stop being polite in your refusals. You've done enough politeness and explaining. She's not returning the favor and it's time to use her tactics against her.

Say one word: No.
If she argues, mirror that back on her. "You're not letting me be a grandma"? Well, you're not letting me be a mother.

And her not treating your other children well is horrible. They're perfectly innocent.

It's the only way I can get through to my MIL. Being polite turns me into her doormat, and believe me she expects a red carpet. Sounds like yours expects that plus the paparazzi.

My DS didn't stay at my own parents till he was 10 months old! 3 months is too young! Wtf is wrong with her seeing her during the day! You need to set the boundaries!! Reminds me of my GIL who came into my house via my back door not even 24 hours after I'd been home from hospital whilst I and our baby was asleep, woke me up hovering over me in my bed!! Then had a go at me because I didn't want a piece of cake or anything done in the house... Funnily enough I just wanted to sleep and for her to Gtf out my house