Mourning relationship with firstborn

[Babytalk2019]

Hello,
I appreciate there are a few posts on this subject or similar.. but couldn’t see anything current/active and would be so grateful if anyone has any advice on this...
My second born (girl) is now 8 weeks old - my first born (son) is 2yrs 7 weeks...
I had a very quick second birth (2 hrs) and had to take my son to the birth centre with me! The hardest thing about having our second baby, for me, as been the feelings of grief for the seeming loss of our little life & old relationship between my son and I.
I have felt so upset and at first almost mourning the relationship with my first child for weeks- from the minute baby 2 popped out - as soon as he walked back in the hospital door, not 2 hours after we were feeding ducks and having lunch together, our relationship had changed somehow. The feelings came as a great surprise.

My son is quite sweet towards his sister- and certainly never jealous or mean- a little ambivalent at times as I would expect of a busy2 year old but he can be protective towards her and always includes her in his stories and plans so I feel confident about their relationship.
However- I have never quite gotten the connection back with my first- and it’s breaking my heart. He’s becoming indifferent to me too, which makes me feel worse- I can’t tell if he’s bothered and upset/hurting or just loosing interest in me. I’m interested in the attachment parenting theories and concerned about this ambivalence as much for him and his development as for myself.
I go to every effort to do as much as I can with him (the two of them, and on my own with each when I can)- I take him(them) out most days on an adventure (as we always used to do) or at the least find games and tasks focused on him - obviously I’m also completely exhausted so can’t tell what’s what right now!
He has started to push me away however and I am finding it so hard- I can’t see the wood for the trees and feel completely overwhelmed. I feel so sad- but don’t want my own self indulgent emotions to get in the way of hearing my firstborns (or second!) needs- and I desperately want to have a close, connected, happy relationship once again.
Does anyone have any tips, or experienced your first born pushing you away at any point? Maybe I am being too sensitive - it is just so hard...
Thank you in advance for any insights you can share!

Oh bless your heart, I'm glad to see this post as I felt and still feel the exact same, my son was only just 13 months old when I had my daughter and the guilt I felt was unbearable and it's almost like a switch had been flicked and automatically he knew life was going to be different, my Labour was somewhat different - I had to be induced so for the first time in his life and the fist since giving birth to him we were seperate for 2 whole days and that in itself broke my heart, focusing on giving birth but also not knowing what he's doing. next time we saw each other I had my little girl in my arms and I just wanted to scoop my son up and squeeze him one last time with it being just me and him. He is now 21 months old and my daughter is 7 months old and it's been difficult at times with him one minute wanting my full attention to the next not wanting me at all. I've found making one on one time with him hard as my husband works full time and when he isn't working we want to do things all together, but we go on little mummy son dates and same with my partner with my daughter and son. It'll get better you're doing a great job mumma and they both love you, don't beat yourself up you're their mum and they love you more than anything x

Hi Lossie- ah I feel silly now.. I can only imagine how hard that was being separated suddenly for 2 whole days... your poor thing. Very traumatic start to the new chapter...
Maybe these little ones are more resilient than we realise! It is just so hard isn’t it? Thank you so much for your post, and words of encouragement.
Having a date together is a lovely idea- my husband is the same so I am just stealing 10 minutes here and there in the evening with my son right now and am craving a few hours together etc as you say. I’ll work on it!
I’m glad things are improving (for you!) - I’m sure your son and daughter must be so happy together now! Could I ask - when you say you still feel the same, do you feel connected again? I guess it’s just in a new way? I really appreciate hearing from you. Amazing what a bit of solidarity can do for the spirit! It’s such a specific experience I haven’t been able to talk to anyone properly about it before... thank you xx

It is very hard. Ds1 was 22 months when ds2 was born. I was in hospital for 3 weeks and it was a nightmare. I felt so guilty especially as dh couldn't take time off work (it was before paternity leave was brought in) and ds1 had to be parcelled off each day to different friends to be looked after (no family nearby).

I found myself being not very interested in ds2 for the first few months whilst trying to compensate to ds1. Luckily ds2 was an incredibly easy/laid back baby! The guilt did ease over time.

They are now both in their 20s and seem to have survived the experience!

It gets easier - promise! My son is yrs 2 mths, daughter 15 weeks. Suddenly it's all feeling rather lovely and easy! We went through obligatory him hating baby (kicking even...) but he loves her now! We are starting to get slivers of time -

1. as soon as DD goes for a nap I down tools and go straight to DS

2. we go swimming as a four, DH takes baby and I take son.

3. we go to the park as a 4 and again I spend my time with DS unless baby feeding

All got easier once baby began spacing her feeds a bit more. Also making sure my husband takes DD so I can spend time with son!

Oh FGS - my son is 2 years 2 months, daughter 15 weeks.

I remember similar feelings when I had my first two children many moons ago.
Was very upset and worried at the time.
It gradually all fell into place, absolutely fine. It's such a huge adjustment. Just give it a little more time.

Don’t have any advice as such but here is some solidarity! My DDs are 2.5 years and 3 months. One night I sobbed my heart out so hard (in mourning for the loss of my relationship with DD1) that I actually induced a panic attack! I felt that guilty! Still do but is definitely getting better. Trying to get DD2 in her own bed for naps during the day and having some alone time with DD1. She has been fantastic and given me absolutely no cause to think she’s jealous etc and seems to love her sister so much... but I still feel so bad that her little life has changed forever. You just have to remember why you did it and how great it is to have a sibling, all those shared memories and experiences, someone to moan to (about you!) when they’re older, that one person in the world who totally gets you as they know what it was like to be raised by your crazy parents! I love my DSis to death (same age gap as my two) and wouldn’t swap her for anything, so I try and focus on that when I’m feeling bad. Think about how lucky they are to have each other (and you of course! A lovely mum who obviously cares so much about them and their feelings). Hugs x

Hey. I'm sorry you feel this way. Mother's guilt is a real thing and it's impprtant to talk about it. Can you share how you feel with your partner or friends who also have 2+ kids?
It is quite a normal feeling.

Also 2 yo are quite fickle. One day my DC will only want daddy to play with, to read books etc and they don't care what i get up to; the next day/week it's all about mummy again and I can't go to the toilet in peace...

Hang in there it gets better. But do talk to people about it. X

Thank you @EmmaGrundyForPM ! A great reminder that this too will pass! No doubt all too quickly... I’m sure that awful experience makes the feelings so easy to recall.. sorry you had to go through that - great to hear they are doing well now though and to have the perspective! Thank you

Thank you @toasterstrudle... great to hear how things are going for you a bit further down the road!
I will focus on handing my new little girl over to my husband on walks etc as you do- it’s very easy to become fixed in our roles which doesn’t help and i let myself miss opportunities with my son! Thank you for your tips and experience. Best of luck to you/ your family- and congratulations!

@Mummaofmytribe thank you for sharing your experience too- and the perspective. I think the emotions get the better of me and you’re right I need to give it more time and be confident in what we built in our two years before his sister arrived! Thank you for your advice - so good to hear it fell into place for you too xx

@Lennonade- thank you ever so much for sharing your experience with me! So helpful to hear... well done getting to 3 months and a better place with it all!
Such sage advice- I need to keep it at the front of my mind how important it is that they have each other, and that it will improve. We’re he to push me away forever (hopefully extremely unlikely?!!) I would still be happy knowing he had a best friend to grow old with :) thanks so much for your support xxx

@Monkeymilkshake - your words really helped me today, so thank you! I had your phrase about them being fickle in my head and it helped me relax around my son and remember he has so much going on I need to be the constant and confident - not be worrying in the background!!
I will make the effort to talk to friends about it- thanks for the advice and support! So greatly appreciated xxx

My second child was born when my first was 9.5 years. That's 9.5 years that he was my only son. I did everything for him, especially since his father abandoned him. I remember feeling so much affection for him while pregnant with the second. When the baby was born, I fell totally in love with him. I really wanted this second baby and since I wasn't very young, I felt that he was almost a miracle. I continued taking care of my first one, but he was already kind of independant, playing with friends and videogames and I thought he doesn't need me the same. We are also a blended family and I had difficulties related to that. I was totally overwhelmed and yes, I was surprised that I wasn't feeling the same with my firstborn. It's was like almost all my affection went towards the baby and I felt very guilty.
It's as if nature does it to ensure that the baby is taken care of.
Time passed, they are now 2 and 11 and I love them both the same, the affection for the first one is back, despite the preeteen tantrums and constant arguing, lol
About your 2 year old, it's just the age, it's normal for them to reject you when they are interested in other things. But when we are post partum, we are more sensitive. My 2 year old doesn't even look at me when he sees the TV, at other moments, if it's not me, it's the end of the world.
You are doing great, you will see that everything will be back into place.

It gets easier as the time goes on and the more independent your youngest gets the easier it is to start doing things with both of the-for example my daughter is now crawling and sitting up and can interact more with my son whereas when she was newborn she was so dependent on me and I always had her with me for constant feeds or top ups, so there wasn't many times I was without her, but I feel like now that we can do things together as a 3 when my partners at work and as a four when he's home, I feel guilt sometimes with my youngest aswell because she never had just me and I feel sometimes because my son is a toddler and does require stimulation and play time sometimes I put her on the back burner but I have to reassure myself that I am doing the best I can and I know they know no different. my daughter adores her big brother and he without fail makes her laugh (even when he's not trying to) and I think to what their relationship will be like growing up and I can't wait for them to support each other and grow, the guilt is sometimes there and I do sometimes think whether he misses my full attention but to be honest the cause of all this is our worrying mumma brains, he is still so young and probably doesn't ever remember a time without her, stick with it and carry on doing what you're doing, you're his only mummy and you are the best they can have they both love you remember, I hope these posts have made you feel better and reassuring xx

I only have DS so can only comment grim the other side, I am the eldest and DB 2 years younger,
I was not only the first child but also the first grandchild with a family full of teachers/nursery nurses/child care providers, so had a lot of adult time lavished on me before DB. This sounds terrible but I don't even remember him existing until he was about 3! My life must have changed, DM went into labour at my birthday party, but I don't remember it at all and still have a very close relationship with DM and my grandmother, I also get on well with DB, can't say that was always the case throughout our teens though!