Toddler being a demon at bedtime - resorted to physically keeping them in their room.

[KitKat1985]

DD2 is being a bloody demon at bedtime at the moment. She's 3 in November and we took the sides of her cotbed a couple of months ago. Since then she's been getting up relentlessly after we put her to bed, sometimes for 2-3 hours. We've tried telling her off, removing her toys, ignoring her etc but her behaviour keeps getting worse. She now keeps also deliberately waking DD1 up who is in the room next to hers by going into her room and jumping on her when she's asleep. Ironically she's clearly exhausted and eye rubbing and whingy and clearly needs to go to sleep, but just won't give in. We're literally getting up to her every couple of minutes to her in the evening and it's meaning me and DH aren't getting any time together of an evening, and it's really getting us down. This evening I finally cracked and jammed the lock on her bedroom door so she couldn't open her bedroom door or leave her room. She screamed and tantrumed for a bit, but then gave that up after 10 mins and 5 mins later was asleep in her bed. Now she's asleep I'll unjam her door so she can get out if needed in the night / morning. I know it's not great parenting, but I'm at my wits end. I'm hoping after a few days of not being to get out of her room she'll just give up on trying the door and stay in bed. Please tell me I'm not the only one who has ever resorted to this?

I wonder if you are doing bed time too late and she is going into overdrive.
I would try bringing bedtime forward and having a very calm, quiet lead up. No stimulation, no noisy games, keep everything very calm and allow an hour to wind down.

My DH held the door closed for 30 secs once and my child now has a fear of closed doors. It's one of our biggest regrets. IMO, it's not fair to punish a child because they crave contact at bedtime and don't want to feel alone.

I know that advice wasn't really helpful!

You cant lock her in.

What would help her sleep? One of mine needed consistency, blackout blinds and me sitting stroking tonsleep for years. She was terrified Id leave so stroking her to sleep was the only way - took ages to begin with but association means it only takes 5 mins now after a story!

If they're anxious they dont really sleep well.

Why don't you sit with her?

Gina Ford

I was going to say similar to thethoughtfox. She is screaming because she doesn't know you're there. Its complete fear that shes been locked in a room and abandoned.
Could you out a stair gate on her door?
Why did you take the side off her cot? Could you put it back on? Have you got a bed guard to give her that contained feeling?
I say this btw with two children who were nightmares at settling not as someone who doesn't get it

I wouldnt see it as naught ybehaviour. Behaviour at thay age is communication and just punish9ng her will fuel the cycle. Especially taking away toys :( shes alrrady sad/worried and wants you and learns if she asks for you you take away things she loves

Id absolutely turn it on its head and commit to spending time with her at bedtime. Relaxing storytime, make bedtime have pleasant associations and stay with her and I reckon she'll learn bed is safe and okay, it just might take a little while to relearn.

Alternativly one of mine had night terrors due to tonsils being too big... takkng them out sorted it!

Don't beat yourself up about it .
Your method worked didn't it - though most books recommend quietly but firmly returning child to bed . No dialogue .
Taking it in turns.
No matter how long it takes .
They say the child tires before you do .
That's what they say ....

How about a stair gate across the door? My son (now 3) I think really missed the cosiness of the cot bars when I took them off - for months I'd leave him in bed, think he'd gone to sleep in bed and find him asleep on the floor (complete with duvet, pillows and teddies) next to the gate.

I tried leaving the gate open for a while but he now shuts it - it's pointless because he can open it (so doesn't keep him locked in if you see what I mean) but he likes the security.

Oh gosh this was us with my DS when he was that age!
I can remember holding his door handle so he couldn’t open it and crying as I was so tired after hours of him getting out of bed. That was after we’d put him in a toddler bed. Each time he’d get out of bed we’d walk in quietly and lie him down and say goodnight, sleepy time now, and walk out without saying anything else, but after 3 hours you can’t take it any more!
In the end we fitted a stair gate to his bedroom door and let him get on with it. He could still open the door so didn’t feel ‘trapped’ but we knew he was safe...
We would do the whole routine thing each night (bath, story, cuddles), lie him in bed and say goodnight and say we’ll see you in the morning, love you etc and then put the stair gate up. It took a couple of nights, but he wasn’t as upset as when we held the door closed and he soon learned that bed time was bed time.
Good luck. I promise it will get better. I think you just need to be consistent. Decide what’s best for you and your family and give it a few days before you decide it isn’t working...

Please don't lock her in. It sounds to me like she's developed an association with bed and being afraid, and left alone. While she may seem old at nearly three (mine is the exact same age), she's still developing so much and taking everything in.

Does she nap late or too much at nursery? Would a super early bedtime help, upstairs at 6pm for a few nights to be consistent? Can you go the other way, love bomb her, get a new duvet cover with her favourite character, make a real thing of bedtime being so nice. Maybe spend a while with her in her room during the day just playing so she's happy in there, no mention of going to bed. Mine is currently in my bed and I know I'm "too soft" but I have a 9yo too and I know it doesn't last for long. No, I don't have evenings either but I have plenty of time for that later.

You could try the audio book 'the Rabbit Who doesn't want to go to sleep'
My lo was having awful trouble self settling and would have us up and down for hours in the evening. Got this cd on the recommendation from another forum and it is amazing. Has worked every night. We do bedtime routine as normal then put it on really low after we say goodnight and she just lies and listens and within 20 minutes is fast asleep.
It has been working for a good 6 weeks now. She is 3.5.

You could try the audio book 'the Rabbit Who doesn't want to go to sleep'
My lo was having awful trouble self settling and would have us up and down for hours in the evening. Got this cd on the recommendation from another forum and it is amazing. Has worked every night. We do bedtime routine as normal then put it on really low after we say goodnight and she just lies and listens and within 20 minutes is fast asleep.
It has been working for a good 6 weeks now. She is 3.5.

I should say I genuinely don't think she's scared at bedtime. She just continually runs out of her room giggling thinking the whole thing is a game and shouting 'no' at us when we ask her to go to bed, before running giggling down the corridor again. We did try putting a night-light in her room to see if it would help but she didn't like it and asked us to turn it off because she prefers her room dark.

We can't put a stair gate on the door sadly (we've tried!) due to the slightly awkward angle of the door means a stair gate won't fit.

We've tried keeping her daytime nap short which helps a bit, but she's still usually playing about for a couple of hours past bedtime even then. She's not ready to nap drop completely in the daytime (we tried that too and it just resulted in her being very ratty until she finally fell asleep on the sofa at 4pm which just made things worse).

That’s a shame about the stair gate.
I remembered in the night that my DS also had a kidsleep clock. It has 2 bunnies on: one awake and one asleep. You set the time that you want your child to go to bed and the time that you want them to wake up and a light illuminates the appropriate bunny.
We’d say “Look bunny’s going to bed too. See you when bunny wakes up.”
My DS really loved bunnies, so this was a hit for him.
You may already have something like this, but I was just thinking about you last night and remembered!
They also did a sheep one that was battery operated if you don’t have a nearby plug for the bunny one which is useful when travelling.

Stair gate on the door! Will stop her coming out of her room, but is safer than jamming the door in case of emergency.

You can get ones that fit awkward shapes. Something like this may work www.jojomamanbebe.co.uk/d6635.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIlqn7s5LX5AIVmvhRCh1KigQbEAQYBSABEgJ5fvD_BwE

My DS is exactly the same age.

He doesn't fall asleep alone yet either. I get into bed with him and we cuddle while he goes to sleep.

Never takes more than half an hour.

Could that work?

I don't think you should lock her in. She's probably not tired. Try a later bedtime and cutting out the nap. Mine stopped daytime nap about 2. You will just have to accept she will be grumpy in the afternoon but you just need to keep her awake. Used to keep mine awake and they used to go to bed 7/7.30. If my child minder let DS have even short nap he would be up til 10pm.

I honestly dont think you "ask" most 3 year old to go to bed/put thenselves back to bed. You settle them into bed. Stories/cuddles and songs or whatever it is that helps them drift off.
Some people like story tapes, we did stroking and lullabies. Dont leave initially til she's asleep and it will get quicker.

Again, why don't you sit with her?

I would really try and find a stair gate for the door, or could you put one on DD1's door to at least protect her?

Then quiet return. Each time she gets up, for the first few times you just tell her it's bedtime and walk her straight back and put her in - no other conversation. If she continues, don't talk at all, just walk her back and put her in bed. It will take a while, but keep to it. She sounds as though she enjoys the attention she is getting from you everytime she leaves her room.

Another that thinks sit/lay with her after bath/story time, and leave when she is sleeping