Badly behaved 9 year old. We’re desperate for help!

[dadchores]

Hey, I’m new to this forum so hope I’m posting correctly!!

I’m a father of 3, and our eldest son who is 9 has been behaving extremely badly as of late. He has behaved not so great over the past 3-4 years but recently it’s getting so unbearable and we’re out of options.

He has a history of hitting his other siblings, with ourselves having many trips to the emergency rooms and even having to have operations with him slamming doors on peoples fingers. We’ve also caught him hurting and strangling our cat. As of late he is being very cheeky to myself and his mum, to the point where he has started swearing, and we don’t know where he has picked this up from. If we ask him to pick up something we get told to do it ourselves, if he gets sent to his room he will shout no and refuse, to the point he has to be carried up to his room. Worst and most worrying part is when he is in these horrible angry fits, he forget why he was in the first place.

We have been to he GP, we have taken parenting classes and completed the course, we have been to the school nurse, we have been to cahmns and had him assessed for ADHD and others. We’ve been told there is nothing wrong with him which is a relief, but also means we can put nothing in place and can’t put it down to anything in particular.

I find it very hard to connect with him now, as much as it sounds horrible to say it, because I’m scared to talk to him or look in his direction because the littlest thing sets him off. For example, if it was raining and I asked him to put his coat on, I would get a screaming match and have him call me all sorts of names and he would straight up refused, then if we went outside without a coat, he would call me stupid for not bringing one and orders someone to give him theirs. He doesn’t seem to have any remorse, doesn’t like turn taking and is happy to take from others, and will use force if they don’t hand it over.

We have tried different approaches, by talking to him during and after he’s had an outburst calmly, reward charts, punishments, finding techniques to help him calm down and nothing helps what so ever. And now me and my wife are worried about what is going to happen as he grows older.

Before anyone makes the assumption also, we do teach them manners, and don’t allow them to behave this way as much as we can. We’re not lazy when it comes to parenting them. The other two are perfectly fine and easy to manage, I just don’t know what to do next, I feel like the family just has to deal with being abused because every route we’ve taken we’ve just basically been told to suck it up.

If anyone has had a similar situation or knows how we can fix this, please let us know. We are really desperate at this point!

Go back for another reassessment with a diary of events. Ask the GP for a referral to a child psychologist.

Ask your DS why he is doing what he is doing when he does it?

How is he behaving at school?

Have you considered Autism - does he fit PDA profile? Just because he has been assessed for ADHD ( and others - which others?) and doesn’t have that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have another issue.

Sadly CAHMS are overstretches and underfunded meaning that people are getting fobbed off all over the UK. You need to get re-referred. As a pp said you need to get him assessed by an Psychologist ASAP and keep a diary/ video when he is displaying this behaviour. Can you afford to do this privately?

I also want to echo another
Pp who asked how his behaviour is at school? It is very common for children on the autistic spectrum to mask when out in public and then melt down at home in their safe space.

Good luck - sadly it took us 9 years to get my DN a diagnosis and support which led to wasting most of her primary education. We fought long and hard and finally got help 2 years ago which has helped enormously

When I said others one of the was childhood trauma and other was the autism spectrum, they believed he may have been on the spectrum somewhere but turns out he wasn’t. We’ve also been through cahms 3 times with him. And every time we do it it’s such a strung out process and takes months and months.

His teachers have said that he is fine in school and so have the nurse. Apparently he is disruptive sometimes and doesn’t understand turn taking. (Eg he gets told off for shouting out the answer when children have been asked to raise their hands repeatedly)

We can’t afford to visit psychologist privately, and I’m not too sure how you would do this if it wasn’t privately? I’ve been debating recording his behaviour for a while, because when we have meeting with cahms and such, he seems well behaved because he’s getting everybody in the rooms attention and he’s not got a great deal to argue about when someone is sat asking him about his day.... but they have visited him in school and said that he’s mostly well behaved. If I record his behaviour though, I’m not too sure what to do with the videos.

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. It would be worth asking for a meeting with the class teacher again and maybe the SENDCo. Explain that his behaviour is deteriorating at home and ask for a teacher statement detailing any disruptive behaviour he displays at school. Ask the school if they can refer your son again to the child development centre to see a paediatrician. Schools can refer on your behalf but they will also need to give details of all negative behaviours displayed at school. That low level disruption at school along with the high defiance at home could well indicate some features of autism or maybe pathological demand avoidance. The latter needs different strategies such as always giving a choice eg would you like your red coat or your blue coat? rather than instructions. Yes to videoing your son. Show the teacher and then show the paediatrician. It really helps to show the level of aggression and defiance he is struggling with. The fact that your other children behave well does suggest that he has a problem. But be aware that a diagnosis does not solve the issues. It can only signpost you to appropriate strategies that may work. I wish you luck and I hope things improve.

Hi, I'm in a very similar situation myself with my 9 year old son. I've been pointed in the direction of 'therapeutic parenting' and think it may help with his behaviour. There is a lot online and you tube about it. Bryan post is also worth googling! I've purchased an ebook by him called 'the great behaviour breakdown' and found it a really good read and think his strategies will really be useful. It may be helpful to you too. Best of luck!