Parenting styles

[undecided2]

Hello,
I have an 18 month DS, he is having what is probably the start of terrible two tantrums. My DH and I have very different parenting styles; he shouts at DS, whereas I try to ignore the tantrum and distract. My dS is very strong willed and I'm wondering if I need to be more authorative in my approach, I'm worried he thinks he can get away with things. My DH thinks i should be more assertive with DS too. It's just not my style to be honest. How have people approached different parenting styles as husband and wife team? It's so hard! Thanks all.

At that age ignore or distract. No need to yell.

Thank you.. I have said the same to DH but he is unhappy I am criticizing his style. I understand that.. no one likes to feel they are doing a bad job. How to manage that!

as long as the LO is safe when having a tantrum I ignore- if I can catch one before it starts I can distract but ignoring works much better than shouting

As said this age is ignore. They won't understand why they're being shouted at. You do need to come to an agreement with your husband as discipline needs to be consistent. Perhaps you could ask him to provide proof shouting works and you can provide proof ignoring works?

Most tantrums come about because small children cannot deal with “big” emotions like sadness, anger, frustration - their brains have not developed enough to regulate these feelings. So I would ask him what exactly he thinks he is achieving by shouting at a small child, barely more than a baby, who is struggling with their emotions.
In general if I disagree with DH’s approach I explain why afterwards and say how I would approach it and why.

You can be authoritative without shouting. 18months is young. It helps to verbalise their feelings. ‘You are sad aren’t you that you can’t get X? Would you like a hug?’ But at the same time I make it clear that hitting or throwing is not acceptable and I would remove and sit him down somewhere (and sit with him) till the moment passed. And then say, we do NOT behave like that. And then explain why. Or sometimes if it’s a more whinging tantrum I would ignore.
Kids need boundaries but they also need help in navigating their emotions.

Thank you all. Sadly I am beginning to think the problem is more now with my dh. I have done all of the above re; asking him how he believes it works and explaining how I would have done it etc, he becomes very defensive. I'll try again tomorrow, he is quite fiery/ passionate as a person anyway so I think he is just hurt that he is coming under criticism. Thank you for you replies and advice, really appreciated.

Also, if you shout, you teach your ds to shout. At nursery... at school. It’s not helpful.
You can be quietly, determined without yelling.

Shouting would just make the situation worse and encourage that as a way to behave.

You teach them by your behaviour.

When my DS started I just used to say to him " ok xxxxx, you have a minute if you need to get upset and come to mummy when you're ready"

Lasted a week and never had one since, although I accept that's just luck and not my little chat with him lol

We just ignore tantrums (distraction doesn't work and makes him more furious) but if he does something that is dangerous to him or others then he gets a very firm no and moved away from the situation. I don't shout or continue to rant because what's the point?!

There's a child at a class we go to who has very regular tantrums and hits other children as part of them, the parent does a lovely line in chatting through her emotions but it doesn't make a difference in behaviour. In that case part of me thinks if the child was told to stop firmly and taken away from the situation then it would help end it quicker with no one getting hurt.

This sounds like more of a relationship issue than a parenting one.

Generally if you respect your DH's opinion and think he is reasonable then what I'd advise is that rather than pushing against each other you try to "lean in" - ie you look at being more authoritative/attempt to learn from him what the positives are from his approach, while he should look at your approach and try and see the positives there, maybe becoming more flexible in certain situations.

The problem is if you push against each other - he thinks you're too soft so worries DC will end up spoiled so becomes more strict to compensate, you think he's being too harsh and worry DC will be harmed so you act more lenient to compensate. The result is a very confused DC trapped between an overly strict and an overly permissive parent. And the more you each do this the more stubborn/concerned both of you get and pull in the opposite direction some more. Especially if you take the approach of telling him what's wrong with his approach rather than looking for the positives of his approach and adding them to your own way.

There is also a trick to discussing parenting issues where your preferred approaches differ - if you start discussing from the angle of "I think we should handle this in X way" vs "Well I think we should handle this in Y way" you'll end up arguing because there is no way to have X and Y at the same time. Whereas if you approach from the angle of "This is what is important to me about X way" and "This is what is important to me about Y way" plus (possibly) "This is what I'm afraid of with Y way" "This is what I'm afraid of with X way" then generally you can come up with a Z way which incorporates the aspects of what you each think are important plus gives you a chance to address fears/concerns the other has.

However some men are not open to discussion and collaboration, they expect to rule the roost in a kind of "My house, my rules" and can be far too authoritarian and aggressive with small children. If you're concerned that it tips over into abuse and/or he's absolutely closed down to discussion at all then it might be that your instinct to protect your DS is correct and not a parenting clash but actually a serious issue.

If you do want to look at approaches which are more authoritative without being aggressive I like Janet Lansbury's stuff. I am drawn to the "gentle parenting" type approaches but really struggle with conflict/boundaries and she has helped me a lot with this.

I'd read some age appropriate articles on aha parenting website. sympathise they can't get their way, verbalize how they're feeling but reinforce "still I can't let you... hit/shout/throw/snatch etc"