I feel like In laws ruined the arrival of my son

[Hannie123]

A little background:I have a beautiful little boy who is just 4 weeks and the most sweetest and supportive husband. We tried for a baby after going through the loss of a baby and was over the moon when we finally got pregnant again. We’ve always struggled with fitting in with the in laws as they never ‘approved’ of our marriage as I’m from a different race. They have on numerous times made this apparent resulting in DH having limited contact with them overall.

I had a very very traumatic labour and it was quite touch and go. Wasn’t initially allowed any visitors when DH invited MIL she said she wouldn’t be able to make it, which was fine and I wasn’t bothered by at all. However, once we were home, MIL did visit and immediately snatched baby off me and did not ask how I am. DH picked up on this and told me he felt upset that his mum didn’t seem to talk to me during her visit. She left and that’s when it all started. Constant phone calls and text messages from SIL stating DH has not been involving his mum enough. Saying when they die we will live to regret it all (all texts were emotionally blackmailing). Eventually DH called his mum and he was very emotional. He explained we just had a baby, I was healing and we was adjusting to our new life and she is always welcome. She began shouting at him and it was my instinct to take the phone. I asked her what’s the matter, and she began shouting at me and becoming hysterical. She told DH that she is no longer his mother and she is cutting all ties.

A few weeks has passed and MIL seems to forget what has happened and is trying to go back to ‘normal’ (whatever that was before). Calling DH and me asking how we are etc. But no acknowledgement as to what took place a few weeks ago. I haven’t spoken to her myself but DH has.

This is where I’m having trouble. I have delayed responses so at the time I just got on with everything. The pain from surgery, having a newborn and in laws bombarding is with horrible messages (some of them was awful). But now the adrenaline has come down and I’m feeling really upset by what happened. I feel like what should of been the most special time in my life was overshadowed by all this. I feel angry and frustrated at times and I really don’t know how to deal with all these emotions. Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way and not wanting to have anything to do with them anymore? I don’t know what I’m hoping by posting this, just feel like I need to get it out there.

No feel proud you protected your family.
Put down rules and enforce them.
Your a great mum, and your home and family are worth it.
As to his mum, tell her be nice and you want her to apologize, same to SIL, or they can butt out.

I would be cutting them out of my life completely. If your husband is still so brainwashed as to want contact, so be it, but have no part in it.

I have delayed responses as well. In fact, it occurs to me that this also ties in to my being appeasing to people who are being inappropriate or abusive to me, as I do a lot of damage limitation and then after the fact I have the awful come down where the adrenaline has gone and I actually feel.

It's ME who gets into trouble for not speaking up at the time or for not reacting as others think is appropriate for the level of despair of upset you are feeling.

I don't know if you're ever going to get those apologies, I would probably go no contact and grey rock if ever you end up in their company unawares.

Enjoy your baby. Acknowledge you had a shitty birthing experience and let your feelings out when you can, it's awful when you suppress stuff like this. I wish I'd seen the forest with my first labour and birth, not every single tree. It wasn't a great experience at all.

My now ex MIL & SIL ruined the first months of my ds life for me. Like you I had a bad time in hospital, I ended up in high dependency after my c section, my organs were starting to fail, I had PE & had lost a lot of blood in theatre. The morning after ds was born MIL & SIL turned up at the high dependency ward just as an HCP was giving me a bed bath & helping me to change from a theatre gown in to my own night wear, I was the only patient on the ward, MIL walked in & whipped open the curtains, she was told to leave but refused, visiting time wasnt until 2.00pm, her & SIL plonked themselves down on chairs & proceeded to get out a full M & S picnic to eat, I was being sick a lot & the sight of food made me feel even worse. When I came home, MIL wouldn't leave us alone, if I was downstairs early in a morning, she would be tapping on the window as she went past walking the dog at 6.00am, every time she visited, ds was immediately snatched from my arms & she refused to return him until she was leaving, I was suffering badly with pnd & her first words were "don't you want him then?" Really one of the worst things you could say to any new mum suffering from PND. She showed off that my mum was there a lot, my mum was there because I needed her to be, I was so depressed & had no confidence with a new baby, my mum spent time showing me how to do things I was struggling with & being someone to listen to me to try & sort my head out as well as cooking & cleaning the house for me as my husband was newly diagnosed with MS & couldnt do much for himself. She was like this almost all of the time we were married, that she had to be number 1 & it was her way or no way, that's another reason that I am a lot happier since I got divorced, even ds no longer wants any contact with her, he has so many unhappy memories of when he was younger & how she treated him.