Panic attacks when in sole charge of my DD

[FionaBrusque]

I am ashamed to admit this in RL. Generally I would consider myself a very competent parent, I am very loving and attentive to my DD who is 8 months old. I meet her needs and don't ever leave her to cry. She is always clean and fed and very much loved.

A bit of background - since I was a teenager I suffered with panic attacks and anxiety, usually around the idea of being "trapped". I used to collapse when in an exam hall because I knew I wasn't allowed to leave. If ever I'm stuck in a lift or in a tunnel on a train I have a panic attack and sometimes pass out.

A few days after DD was born I experienced the feeling of being "trapped" as a parent- the responsibility of this little person needing me completely overwhelmed me and I started to think "what if I'm looking after her and I pass out, what will happen to her?" Etc etc. I started having panic attacks again and they subsided as she got a little bit older because I felt that once she was six months it would be ok for my parents to have her overnight if I really needed them to and the thought in itself removed the pressure from me. I have never actually been apart from her overnight as I wouldn't want to be - none of it really makes sense.

My DH works from home and so even though I'm looking after DD whilst he works I have the safety net of knowing he's available if I need him. Today he has been away on a course and I was fine and enjoying things all day until about an hour ago when I put DD down to sleep and suddenly the feelings of panic started to rise, knowing I had no immediate help. I was feeling nauseous and I don't know if that caused my panic or if panic called the nausea. I started feeling like I was going to pass out and only just managed to hold it together. DD was sleeping peacefully and I only calmed down when DH called to say he was on his way home.

I know feel so stupid and useless. As soon as I knew he was coming home I started to feel normal again. I hate how weak I am and that I can't cope with the pressure of parenting (even though my DD has never suffered because of my feelings). I don't know how lone parents cope.

Am I alone in feeling like this? I am much better now than I was when DD was first born but tonight has shook me, I thought I was coping much better than this.

Have you ever considered trying some CBT and getting some support?

I have considered it but I worried about being honest with a healthcare practitioner in case they thought I wasn't coping and thought my child wasn't being well looked after.

I had this when DS was a little baby. Post natal anxiety. Told my health visitor and she was great. Got me into cbt which did help. I know it sounds silly but have you tried relaxation techniques they can help. When it was really bad I have a friend that lives close by and i can text or call her to come round to help for a bit.

I know what you mean OP.
I suffer masosbrky with anxiety and panic attacks too. Have done for years. My revolvers around leaving the house and being out of my comfort zone though. I get really panicky about everything.

I desperately wanted to start a family. But after being pregnant for a few months j had the trapped feeling you described. But physically feeling trapped as theres a baby inside me that isn't coming out until it's time, which is still 5 months away. I found it such a strange feeling. Feeling her move for the first few times was wonderful but again I had a panic attack over this baby being inside me with no way out until January.

The parenting side does give me some anxiety, but I've wanted it for so long that I'm more excited than anything.

I am slightly worried about how I'll feel afterwards, but well get to that in due course

I have no real advice, but I'm here with a similar situation if you ever need to talk it out!

Sorry you're feeling like this. Do see your GP. I had awful thoughts about hurting my baby and was certain if I asked for help, social services would be called and my baby taken away. The GP was nothing but sympathetic and kind and I was offered support which was completely non intrusive although I could have asked for more if I felt it needed. It was a very positive experience and it had actually made me feel like a better Mother for confronting it. I hope you have the same experience.

Sorry you're struggling, anxiety is a horrible thing!
As hard as it is, do speak to your GP or HV - there is a lot they can do to help and no one is going to be judging you!
On a practical level, could you get a personal alarm, similar to those used by lone workers or the elderly, which alert someone if you have fallen/stopped moving?
Perhaps having the security of knowing that if you passed out someone would be alerted would help to ease your anxiety?

Don’t be scared healthcare professionals will think you’re not coping. They won’t. I had mental health problems after my first was born and I was terrified to get help in case he got taken off me. No one judged me or assessed my parenting, I got the help I needed and I’m in a better place now. Go to your gp and tell them what you’ve said here. Cbt helped me enormously. I was fast tracked as I had a baby under 1 too.

I'm sorry you are feeling like that, how upsetting for you. Please go to your GP,,they will be able to help you and will not be judging your parenting.

You can often self refer for Cbt if you are in England. www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Psychological%20therapies%20(IAPT)/LocationSearch/10008
Otherwise tell your GP who will refer you. You will be prioritised on any waiting list until your baby is 1. You won't be judged as not coping. You will get the help you need.