How do you play with your children?

[sadlycindy]

My DS 17 months will entertain himself for hours playing with his toys. He doesn't try to get my attention, unless he wants to read a book. So I tend to just leave him to it and do my own thing, whether that's watch tv, get some work done or use my phone.

I have tried playing building towers before, but he's not really interested, he prefers just throwing the bricks everywhere. I also play stacking rings with him but he loses interest after not too long. I asked my friends today if they play with their children and they said they do, all day!

Now I feel like a bad parent. I don't know how to play with him, what kind of things can I do with him?

Misty so it’s location location location not for universal viewing? Gardeners world? Antiques roadshow? Springwatch?

You’re talking nonsense.

I don't need any comments from judgmental people such as yourself
You said in your OP that you feel like you’re a bad parent. I just agreed with you.

You sound delightful and, if you really do play with your child every waking minute of the day without encouraging him to pay independently for any length of time, you're setting him up for a lifetime of never being able to entertain himself and relying on other people for happiness. How is that being a better parent than op and others who believe that, as well as playing with your children, it's important to build up the ability to play alone?

MistyGlen hmm what do you watch on tv that’s not suitable for a 17 month old?
Anything that’s not a U rating. Which is pretty much everything.

So I can't watch a bit of Sir David Attenborough with my dc (admittedly they're now 7 & 8 so get more from it than your 17 month old)? I can't watch Britain's Greatest Ships or Britain by Drone or Secrets of the National Trust at any time when they're in the house because it's not suitable? Don't be daft!

Children need to learn that, whilst they're are of course important and that their needs trump our wants most of the time, their parents matter also and they have needs as well.

Oh god! Why do people always bring up the autism thing?
My boy who is 20 months is similar to yours op, he just likes doing his own shit. I play with him and he'll stick his shapes in his shape sorter, stack his cups etc, but then he wanders off to do his own thing. Hes quite independent anyway and I think that's his personality. We do do a lot of reading and naming things etc, but often he just wants to explore and do his own thing.

Just to reassure you that it is perfectly age appropriate for children of that age to play alongside others rather than with them. As a stand alone factor it definitely wouldn’t be an alert to autism.

OP, my little one is younger than yours but also likes playing alone a lot of the time. I have a background working with young children as a teacher and being able to play independently is an important skill. I'm not an educational psychologist but I honestly don't think that this alone is reason to suspect ASD unless there are other things causing you concern.
My chap needs at least some time playing independently and can get quite cross with me if I try to get involved while he's 'in the zone' as it were. Other times he will enjoy showing me things. He quite likes songs with actions and doing silly dancing with music, prefers this to playing with an adult. My sister was exactly the same, while I wanted to play with other people all the time. All children are different, I wouldn't worry too much.

As above OP, all dc are different. Think about the people you know.. I bet some of them are extroverts and some are introverts, some are busy and outgoing, some are quiet and shy or reserved. Those personality types don’t come out of nowhere.
You don’t sound like a bad parent at all. I’m sure I watched plenty of daytime telly when mine were that age, and I’m pretty sure they weren’t scarred by their daily doses of bargain hunt and countdown!

Oh god id love my son to play independently like this. He’s full on 100% of the time and needs my constant attention (also 17 months). Enjoy it while you can!

I’ve been a nanny for over 24 years and all the children I have looked after have played by themselves.
I don’t ignore them, but I do have other jobs to do around the house.
There’s time when they want to paint, cook etc and I do these with them.
But I will also tell them to play by themselves and they do. It is actually very good for them, it helps with problem solving and builds there imagination.
Of course they ask me to set up the biro track, because in there words yours are amazing, and go all over the house. We have reading time and cuddles.
Enjoy it, if they are starting to talk and communicate with you, you are doing a brilliant job.
Even my 9 month olds are good at sitting and playing for awhile, while I’m cooking etc.

Thank you for this thread!! I had a pj's day with DD who is 18 months and just started feeling guilty. 'Am I doing enough with her?' 'Should I be playing more with her', 'What games should I be playing with her'. 'Am I a lazy parent?' One day of a bit of telly and I start feeling awful! Then I think what we've done this last week... more than enough!! My DD is the same sadlycindy she is happy to potter about, very curious and into everything. She is very happy to be left alone to play and discover. We do our own thing and come together every so often for cuddles, tickles, stories, babbling, and we do get out the house most days for swimming, playgroup etc. We spend our day together without me being in her face (unlike that old boot misty - bet her poor kid just wants 5 minutes peace jokes)

At the end of the day, if your kid seems happy and content then just go with what works for you both. Don't get stuck in a mum guilt cycle, like I nearly did until I found this!

I play with my DS occasionally through the day. Often singing nursery rhymes etc. But he'd be happy for me to leave him alone to Potter about all day! He's not massively interested if I come to sit on the floor with him and play.

I would think it's all about balance. It's great that they learn to occupy themselves for a bit and have some independent play time but it's also really important to play with children, you described some things you do which sound great but your child losing interest after a short period of time at that age is normal. Sitting on the floor and chatting with them about what they're doing and introducing new language like colours and counting etc like a pp said are really good ideas, and doing nursery rhymes and things. If it's because you struggle to know how to play (lots of parents do!) your health visitor or children's centre will be able to point you in the right direction

Sometimes I play hide and seek with my kids and some more fun than toys.

Most people would be dead jealous. Most parents can't go for a piss in peace.
Whereas both my ds's played contently for hours. I only played minimally with them. Lots of time we sat cuddled up watching tv. The only difference between you and me is that I felt zero guilt!

I'm not keen on this thread. It upsets me. All this guilt. Eg poster : For having a pj day?

I hate this new phenomenon of only being a good parent if you are entertaining them 24/7. In the holidays going to : waterskiing one day, theme park the next, kayaking, then climbing Everest: oh what a mild week we've had!

Kids who can't have a 'play date' / can't come round for tea after school, because they have an activity every day!

When did this all become standard parenting? I think it's all wrong.

@sadlycindy there is so much evidence out there that unstructured child led play is really important for brain development. Your child is playing in the way they want to and that's fine!

Enjoy your relaxing time and then when he wants you throw yourself into it by doing things like 'going on a bear hunt'.

And then relax again - you've got this cracked.

I have tried to play with my 10 month old, if I get down on the floor with him he crawls off in the opposite direction. If I bring him on to my lap for a book he tries to get down. He loves just pottering around, getting into everything and when he wants me he comes to me. Even at classes like baby sensory etc he just wants to crawl off and do his own thing.

Enjoy it while it lasts because my 5 year old is constantly asking me to play with him. I’m crap at the imaginative play stuff though so I usually suggest doing a puzzle, playing a board game or doing some baking/craft.

This new trend of constantly occupying your child’s time and scheduling things for them constantly is really having an impact on their ability to be creative and entertain themselves. There are studies on it although I can’t be bothered to look for them now, we can all google if anyone is that interested. Allowing your child to discover play alone is a skill and by constantly engaging them you are robbing them of the ability to develop it even if you think you are being a super mum. Obviously we shouldn’t ignore them and just watch tv, guided play can be very useful but I certainly would be concerned if I had to be constantly next to my child playing with them.

I've posted about about the same thing before. DS actually plays way better if I'm out the room so I kind of flit between sitting with him and doing jobs while he's happy playing.

He doesn't want to do books, puzzles etc. and will actively take a book from my hand and put it back on the shelf.

When we play it's mostly me building a track, he plays with it breaks it and I fix it.

The only thing I don't do is watch tv but that's only because he will get upset that it's not paw patrol!

Oh god! Why do people always bring up the autism thing?

Maybe because they’re parents who wish someone had mentioned something to them at an early stage, rather than not realising there was a problem?

I have twins, both are autistic. I don’t particularly think OP’s child is autistic based on the very limited info posted here, but it’s always worth being informed and vigilant for signs of an issue. Or is the thought of having an autistic child so bloody offensive to you that no one should ever mention it unless it’s blindingly obvious?

My twins seemed to me to be developmentally normal until about 18 months but there were copious red flags I didn’t pick up on. I wish I’d been more aware.

OP, I think this is a really tough stage of development because many kids do just want to explore things on their own - it’s good for them. If you really want to engage with him, I’d recommend getting a big basket of household items that are safe for him to explore with you - sponges, scourers, wooden spoons, a nail brush, etc. Or stick them in a bag and pull them out one at a time. Often toddlers are more interested in these than the pricey toys you’ve bought!

If you do have other concerns (eg lack of pointing, lack of mimicking, lack of eye contact etc) then speak to the HV again but otherwise just keep trying and also keep letting him play independently. Songs with actions were the only thing one of mine would enjoy that were interactive.