9mo sleep hell

[Hundredsandthousands2019]

I need help before my sanity goes...

DD is nearly 9mo. She’s always been a terrible sleeper and could NEVER be put down to sleep. I’ve always been amazed at babies that sleep in their Moses baskets or in a cafe. She needs either to be held/slung with motion or absolute silence.

Our current situation is this - she naps in her cot or pram during the day but only ever for 30 minutes. The pram has to be moving constantly for the sleep to continue. To settle in the cot she lies on her tummy and we pat her back while ‘sssh-ing’. She’s usually asleep within 10 minutes. On a good night she will sleep for 3 hours in her cot and then she wakes up. At that point I bring her into bed with me and she wakes then 2 hourly until 6-8am.

Recently she has been very unsettled from 4am, restless and thrashing and sometimes needing resettling with patting or feeding every 20 minutes.

I saw some other mums a few days ago and one was speaking about her baby who sleeps 12-14 hours solid through the night. While she was speaking her baby was falling asleep in her pram (stationary!!) in the cafe - something my DD would ever do.

I’m sick of people telling me ‘when she’s tired she’ll sleep’. My DD just won’t sleep. I’ve tried sitting by the cot and waiting for her to sleep but she screamed murder for 1.5 hours for 3 nights running and I broke down.

I don’t know what to do. Please help. Even if it’s to tell me you had a similar child. I feel alone with her and like no one else has a baby like mine.

I want this to get better but I don’t know how to do it. I can’t get anything done, we have no family nearby and I feel so drained. I can’t bear to hear how other babies are sleeping anymore or suggestions from people like ‘have you tried giving her a bath before bed?’ Or ‘have you tried just leaving her to cry? XXXX cried for 20 minutes and then our sleep was transformed’. No one seems to understand. Someone tell me it gets better

I don't have any advice to get baby down by herself because I've never had any luck with this.

My son is now two and a half and to get him to sleep in his cot I have to sit with him or I'll lay in bed and hold his hand. He won't stay sleeping through the night but luckily I can give him a bottle and he'll conk, of course he tries to get into my bed too.

I suppose he just likes my touch or me being there because he's perfectly able to sleep through the night for anyone else, but when I'm there it just won't happen.

I'm lost too with what I can and tbh I've stopped trying, I hope this can make you feel a little better at least. Sorry I couldn't give any more advice.

Thank you and that sounds really tough for you too. It is just a feeling of hopelessness sometimes

My 9 month old doesn’t sleep through but I think it’s fairly Normal? He isn’t awful goes to Sleep at 7pm ... will sleep for 2-3 hours then stir and cry out every hour ... wake for a feed at 1am ( tried giving earlier but won’t take it ) sleeps ok but needs dummy and pats every hour .. may sleep well last 2 hours ... can wake up anytime between 4 am and 6 am ... he naps ok though 1 and half hours in the morning if up at 4 am 30 mins if he lays in a bit longer ... and 30 mins to an hour in the afternoon

I think it’s fairly normal op , he can sometimes self settle but more often than not he needs his back rubbed of
To see me x

Sounds like your baby can't self settle and isn't joining up their sleep cycles therefore requiring you to do it. You need to teach them to fall asleep independently.

That’s an interesting take on it being fairly normal. I think I’m surrounded by people that get 2 hour afternoon naps and only one (or no) wake up in the night and it leaves me feeling pretty lonely at 4am! I know that self-settling is the problem, but I don’t know how to get there. She’s always resisted any sort of sleep training we’ve done - won’t take a dummy, is EBF and won’t take a bottle.

I think that’s a part of the problem too. I have friends wanting to arrange an evening out and I feel like I can’t ever leave the house for more than 3 hours because I’m the only way she can settle fully.

This is basically me just having a massive whinge fest I feel much better than I did earlier when I posted this - so apologies for the most boring and woeful post ever!

I believe it's normal too! My 9mo is similar and I just keep her in bed with me and feed her to sleep when she wakes up. She doesn't go in a cot under any circumstances. Last night I woke up in the night and she was sitting bolt upright next to my head just looking at me like a psychopath. She also loves a 4am thrash and I frequently have to scoop her off the floor as she rolls of the mattress (not a bed!)
I know what you mean about not being able to properly go out but I personally feel like that's OK for now. Bugs me when people tell me I have to "fix" this "problem".

Out of interest OP, what is your current night time routine? When did start trying to sleep train? We've been very routined since week 6 or so and out 12 week old is making so much progress - tonight he went to bed at 8pm and if he follows his usual pattern is likely to do a good 5 hour stretch before he wakes up for a feed. We've had to REALLY persevere to get to where we are and we hope to keep making prioress

Sorry, hope to keep making *progress

My dd was awful when it came to sleep! She'd only ever sleep in her cot in complete darkness and quiet.. And then she's up all hours, 4:30 awake for the days etc, The amount of times I was told to leave her (never worked) take her out in the pram or car or she'll sleep when she's tired enough! NO! SHE BLOODY WONT! And never did! She's just about to turn 5 now and she's still a pretty bad sleeper but obviously it's nowhere near as awful as it was as a baby.
I've no advice, just know that you're not alone

I don't think it's 'fairly normal' to pat a baby every hour during the night.

My DD use to wake regularly throughout the night for at least 12 months. She finally start sleeping longer periods when she stopped breastfeeding. I think it's normal aswell. I also think it's just pot luck whether they sleep well or not. A friend of mine first DC slept through the night from six weeks old. Her second DC is now eight months and like your DC hardly sleeps. My friend has had a shock!

@user1493494961 agree. I think that kind of pandering to parents I.e saying 'it's normal, only makes them complacent and less likely to work at the problem. Sleep issues may not be entirely avoidable but they're definitely fixable with the right approach

I had similar with DS. He's 3 next month and still isn't a great sleeper but he's much better than he used to be.
My local family centre had a sleep clinic drop in that I went to.
It really helped. We talked at length about his sleep and wrote up a plan to get him to self soothe. He slept through ever since.
He can now self soothe and we only have issues with him now is he's ill or uncomfortable.

He was just over a year old when we did this. Is there anything like that in your area? I totally recommend it.

Biologically, it is normal. Culturally, for a number of complex reasons, it's been de-normalised. Which is OK. We don't live in caves now. All our choices are valid. But for me it helped me feel better about the situation to see that it's about cultural expectations, not a personal failing on the part of me and my baby. I feel strongly about this because I wish I had felt safe in making my choices earlier.

@xtinak it's 'normal' for babies to exhibit challenges relating to sleep, however it's not 'normal' for parents not to resolve these problems at the earliest opportunity and for them to continue throughout the first year and beyond

@toadabode yes, but how we choose to resolve them can vary according to our personal preferences. For me, I haven't put a stop to frequent waking but by cosleeping and feeding while we both sleep I have found an acceptable solution for us such that we no longer have a problem in my view. In some societies that's considered a 'normal' approach. In ours, less so, although it's still a prevalent choice. Biologically, frequent night waking appears normal in the sense that it is very common. Choosing to frame it as a problem is cultural.

Sorry I didn't mean to hijack the thread though. OP will find a solution that works for her.

@user1493494961 @toadabode @ To those that have resolved their problems with sleep ... how do you help
A child Learn to re settle it self because by putting blanket back on / re finding dummy etc in the night? And how do
You make it so they lay in past 4am? Really interested... I can get bub to sleep fine around the same time of 7am, he doesn’t self settle when teething but otherwise isn’t too bad as long as not
Over tired , he wakes up often though crying? And needs blanket putting back on and dummy in ... and thinks 4am is a good time to start the day ... I suspect the reason he still has a morning nap is because of his early wake up ... but I leave him / try to
Resettle him for Over an hour and neither option works thus far x x x

I do believe it’s normal and I’d love it if I could give over to co-sleeping for years but I don’t find it restful and I also need to start thinking about going back to work in the next few months, and that involves nightshifts. It’s really important that she sleeps in her own cot, but I can’t survive settling her every hour (or even two hourly if me and DH alternate) and going into work on 13 hour shifts. It wouldn’t be safe.

I don’t think our routine is the problem - she definitely knows it’s bedtime. We do bf, bath, grobag on, top-up bf in rocking chair, into cot on her tummy and wide awake and pat back until asleep. Like I say, usually asleep within 10 mins with minimal fuss. But needs constant resettling through the night. Attempts at stopping the patting and just sitting by her or leaving the room are met with 1.5 hour + screaming with no success yet.

I just feel like every gradual technique isn’t gradual enough. And I also really struggle with the fact that whatever sleep training you do, you have to do it again after illness/teething etc. As if it’s not awful enough doing it once!

@ArthurMorgan @weetabix456321 @RibenaMonsoon
Thanks for all your responses. Really helpful :)

It was normal for us. Hellish, but normal. Got through it by co-sleeping and lowering expectations for everyone. Got better after 12 months and exponentially better once I stopped bf. We chose not to sleep train and I'm comfortable that was the right choice for us.

It's so hard when they don't sleep! Sending you lots of hugs. Every baby is different and you.'ve probably tried them already but just in case it helps the ones that work best for us are

*when doing final feed sit/lie on cot sheet then it goes on the bed warm and smelling of you.

*one of those microwavable pads thar stay warm for 12hours. Put in bed during any night feeds (but take out when putting baby back

*room dark, classic fm on quietly while we read quietly to him whilst he's trying to fall asleep.

I have a similar child

I used to do bath, bottle and cuddles before putting my dd down in her cot with a ewan the dreamsheep.

My daughter absolutely loved the heartbeat sound and it would soothe her to sleep and help her settle.

Could you try something like that?

I cant offer advise only hope. I dont know why but my 14 month DS in the last couple of weeks has started sleeping, occasionally looses his dummy and wakes but otherwise sleeping 12 hours!

We have gone through various ups and downs ( real low walking the streets at 11pm to get him to sleep after 4 hours of trying for him to wake 40 mins later)
Ps if they start sleeping through you still wake!
Just keep doing what you think is best for you right now x

Sounds draining for both you and her!

Sounds like she's got some bad sleep
Associations (patting etc), is over tired and needs to learn how to settle herself to sleep and to self settle when she wakes from a sleep cycle.

Best advice to you - download the little ones app. Learn and understand about basic sleep information on babies (sleep cycles, importance of daytime naps, proteins at lunch, good routine) and follow one of their routines.

Good luck

Just wanted to update in case anyone is in a similar state of despair and comes by this thread - we did some gradual retreat sleep training for a couple of weeks. Set up a camp bed in DD's room and never left her but only bf her twice overnight and otherwise just patted and sssh-ed her through the bars (she eats very well both bf and solids during the day, so I know hunger isn't an issue). Those two weeks were hellish and she would cry for 20-30 minutes before every nap and bedtime with me sat by the cot and ssshh-ing .

So out of desperation I tried CC but found that she would fall asleep within 10 minutes of me leaving the room and whinging, not even crying! She's still waking at night but only about twice and we feel like new people. She's also noticeably much happier and daytime naps are improved. It's taken a long time to get anywhere but there is hope.

Thanks all for your replies, made me feel a lot better in the depths of despair!