3 year old saying bad things...

[squeakybike]

Hello,

So looking for some advice as I'm at a bit of a loss...

My son has not long turned three. Over the last week he's been coming out with elaborate stories. The other day he said to me out of the blue that his dad had smashed up the ipad. I immediately became concerned so allowed him to talk without me interfering in any way. He then said he had smashed it with a hammer and it hit the ceiling and then he put it in the bin. I, of course, was in shock but remained silent. He then went on to say that a naughty man was in his house. I went to my mums to speak to her about it and get advice on how to deal with the situation (as me and his dad are separated) and within minutes of being there, my son told her he'd fallen out of his pram and rolled into the road. That has never happened with me and his dad doesn't use a pram for him.

I brought this up with his dad and girlfriend (as we all speak and get on). They were in shock and even offered to send photos of the iPad as it was very much intact and there had never been a naughty man in their house. They then mentioned that our son had said to them "I bit mummy's leg really hard and there was a mark. Mummy was sad". They'd thought it was unusual but was sure it hadn't happened so didn't mention it before. I'd said he's never bitten me before.

Fast forward to today, his nursery manager mentioned in passing something he had said. Apparently "mummy threw the iPad at the TV and the TV smashed" so they immediately became concerned. But he then went on to say "then a dinosaur came out of the TV and had a cup of tea".

The manager laughed it off because of how elaborate it was, but I was immediately concerned and said had he have not said that last bit that would have been an immediate safeguarding concern to which she agreed. The reason for our conversation this morning was because she was asking what the sex of the baby is that I'm having in December as our son had said it was a girl. I said no, I'm having another boy and I always tell him he's going to have a little brother...

Has anyone else had experience of anything like this before? I'm sure he's way too young to understand the prospect of lies and if he ever does something wrong he always admits to it instantly. He doesn't have that instinct to lie to avoid getting into trouble and always owns up.

It concerns me that he could say something one day and then I could get accused of something I haven't even done. ☹️

Honestly, it sounds like he has a very vivid imagination. I think you have a little Calvin on your hands. (Calvin and Hobbes)

Anyway, I’d start gently explaining the difference between play pretend and real life. That way he can tell his amazing creative stories with a disclaimer that he’s playing pretend so adults don’t get worried.

Oh God my son was like this told the doctor he had an ear ache because his dad punched him in the face! We knew it wasnt true because he then said that it was alright because I cut his dad with a knife. When he went to school the teachers told him to think about the difference between real memories and false memories and that did the trick

OP, I know this is alarming but it's a normal developmental phase at around this age. Your DS is suddenly realising that he has the ability to create his own reality! It's nothing to be concerned about. Just take his stories with a pinch of salt!

@disconnecteddrifter that's scary... thank god their teacher dealt with it that way. Thank you for sharing.

I'm relieved to hear it seems to be more common than I thought. On the flip side, his speech is amazing and he does come out with some blinders at times 😂 he's a very funny boy! But I just worry that he will say the wrong thing to the wrong person one day...

My friend has found some age appropriate books to buy which will hopefully help him get an understanding of what is reality and what isn't when I read them to him. Fingers crossed I guess! 😖

So it seems he's continuing to say things more frequently since my last post. Today nursery told me he keeps telling them I'm angry all the time, which couldn't be further from the truth 😔 he even drew a picture of me being angry today. I was honest with them and told them how the situation is making me feel and I don't know how to stop it.

This whole situation is getting me down big time.

Hmm. I know I posted earlier telling you not to worry, but actually him saying you are angry all the time would bother me a lot more than him inventing stories (which as I said earlier could be seen as a way of testing his creativity).

I wonder if this is a reaction to the new baby? Lots of children find their mother's pregnancy a difficult time. Maybe worth talking to the health visitor about this?

@Chitarra I don't think he really understands the concept of me having a baby. There hasn't been many changes yet that should unsettle him.

I just don't understand it. Yeah, he might go on time out every now and then (although very rare) but I'm never angry with him. I don't shout and scream at him. He doesn't play up enough to warrant anything like that at all.

I'll have to find out who his health visitor is, I have no idea anymore. Last one dropped off the face of the earth. The last thing I need is a social worker turning up on my doorstep, because then I will be angry... they won't get a nice response from me!

I agree I think it's him processing the new baby. It's hard for them to really understand but some kind of outlet for him could help. I'd look into books which focus on gentle parenting and preparing for a new sibling - off the top of my head, Sarah Ockwell smith's the second baby book, or siblings without rivalry by the how to talk authors. These should hopefully have some ideas to help a child that age let out their big/mixed up feelings about the impending change of the new baby out in a constructive way so that it doesn't necessarily need to come out in elaborate fantasy tales. And I agree with talking about the difference between pretend and real and letting him know it's fine to tell stories but we need to be clear that they are stories. Punishing lying at this age is the wrong approach so I'm glad you haven't suggested that.

@BertieBotts god, no. I couldn't punish him for something he simply doesn't understand.

I mentioned to him after nursery pick up that mummy isn't angry and please don't draw picture of mummy angry. I said it in a quiet and gentle way, and he pulled a sad face. He said "sorry for drawing mummy angry. Mummy not angry mummy happy" and then I felt even more awful. But he knew instantly what I was talking about, I could tell by his reaction.

It literally breaks my heart. I try so hard to make sure he has a happy house. Now I feel like everyone's watching me and judging me and I'm so sad that that is how he's viewing me when I don't know why.

I think he may be more aware of the new baby than you think OP. Kids this age do pick up on stuff.

Many many years ago my 5 year old daughter told the whole class at circle time that our ginger cat had kittens. Hence telephone call from school asking if I could bring them in to school (local school different time). I was most confused as we didn't have any cat....

My DD is now in her late twenties and a journalist so makes her living telling stories 🤣

Op I am not a professional in this area, though have a strong interest in psychology ..... I believe sometimes when we don't want to feel an emotion we have, we 'project it' into other people.... I wonder if deep down he feels a bit angry about the baby and instead of realizing and expressing that he is describing various angry scenarios in others. My instinct is not that this is anything to be terribly worried about- just that he is processing a change in a way that allows him to explore feelings and feel them, without being able to directly identify or articulate them. I wonder if you could talk about the picture and wonder allowed if he is feeling a bit angry... say that it is fine if he is, that we all feel angry sometimes, and you love him angry and not angry...... I am sure as you continue to be the calm, loving mum you are he will be just fine.

Must be hard though and I am sending hugs. Xx

And if he is angry it may not be the baby at all of course- there is plenty to be angry about in the general state of life at every age!

I was also going to suggest transference.

It can happen with pain too.

He's 3. He has no real idea if the actual emotional impact of what he's saying - he's just saying words to match his emotion as at that given time.

I'm impressed he could draw that though!

I think he's going to be a creative so and so when you all get past this stage

It's difficult because he doesn't give the impression that he's angry or upset. He's a stroppy so and so when he wants to be, but nothing has really struck me that he'd be struggling emotionally and we spend a lot of time together. I didn't actually see the picture he drew. They said they weren't sure where it was (I'm wondering if they've kept it for a reason) and I said I didn't want to see it. His drawings consist of scribbles, but he chooses the colour. The other day he drew one in green and said it was of my green dress. I don't own a green dress. I've also noticed that the nursery manager is there every time I pick him up recently where as she never was before.

I am going to have to talk to him. But I worry if I do, he will just focus on me "talking about mummy being angry" and not take in that I'm mentioning anything else. He does talk about things like "mummy happy? Mummy sad?" And I always say no mummy happy. He will just ask randomly. I don't even cry in front of him, that's how much of a conscious effort I make to not inflict any negative emotions onto him.

He's struggled with anger before. Last year, he was very angry. He would hit me constantly. At one point I thought he'd broken my nose because he'd hit me that hard in the face. He used to throw himself backwards on the floor and purposely hit his head. But we got through it and he's like a totally different child now.

I'm worried about how he will be when the baby is here now. The age gap between him and his older brother is 7 years. I'm wondering if the smaller age gap will be harder. I don't know. I think I'm just spiralling with panic about it.

Could you speak to him about the new baby? Perhaps he is looking for reassurance about what will happen when the baby arrives. There are some good books you can read together about new baby's and big brother/sisters.

DS2 was 2 years 4 months when I had DD1 and they absolutely adore each other and have done since she was born.

Does your dp live with you? Does your little boy have a good relationship with him? If you think about it he has had a lot of changes in his 3 years which may manifest as anger or perceived anger in other people