How to get toddler to fall asleep in less than an hour!

[Tentativesteps133]

Hi all

I have a 21 month old daughter. At the moment bedtime is a real struggle. We do, (and always have since weaning from bf) lie with her in a double bed until she falls asleep, then transfer to her cot, which used to take 15-20 mins and neither of us minded at all. However, she is taking longer and longer to fall asleep (up to 2hrs), and seems to be regressing in that she needs to be lying almost on top of us, whereas she used to toss and turn for a bit then roll off and fall sleep with no contact. She will lie for a few minutes and sound like she's falling asleep and then suddenly start chatting or singing or hitting us or crying. She is very very fidgety so I wonder about restless legs?

Does anyone have any advice on how to get her to wind down and fall asleep more easily? I have no problem with staying with her til she's asleep, conversely I'm wondering whether it'd be easier in the long run to go through a few nights of pain trying to get her to fall asleep without us? I've always felt that sleep training wasn't right for us but I would love to have a situation where we are both downstairs not long after 7 rather than one of us being trapped for what feels like a large portion of the evening. Any help gratefully received!

Don't let her sleep in the day. It honestly is that simple. Not easy, but simple.

Another vote for sleep training. It was a game changer for us in terms of getting DS to get himself to sleep for bedtime and naptime. It only took a couple of evenings of upset.

Could you give up on the cot and get her a single bed with a guard rail - maybe with a duvet cover of her choice so she can buy into the idea?
You could start a new routine like this. Maybe sitting on the bed while she goes to sleep.

My dd is now 2.5 years and we went through the same around 2 years. We'd always had her on a double bed until she fell asleep before transferring her to her cot but when she started climbing out of her cot, we got her a toddler bed.

We also changed her bedtime routine. Reducing her daytime nap is not possible: she becomes such a whinge bag for the rest of the day if her nap is interrupted, it just is not worth waking her up!

She has dinner with us once we're both home from work, around 6.30pm (on the days we've both worked and she's been to nursery it does mean she has an extra meal!); is in the bath by about 7.30pm, in bed around 8pm for stories/songs/cuddles and lights out at 9pm (although she's usually asleep before this now). She'll then sleep through to around 7am. On the rare occasion she isn't asleep by lights out, we either watch her star light show quietly or sing lullabies.

We always stay with dd until she falls asleep, she got so upset when we tried not to that we decided it's such a small portion of our/her life that she actually wants us around, we'd just do it.

Shorter nap
Later bedtime
Get her in big bed with bed guard

I think dropping the nap would be a really bad idea as the issue isn’t that she’s not tired, it’s that she won’t wind down. If anything, my DD of the same age gets more manic and wired if she’s only had a short nap than if she’s had a 2-3 hour one during the day.

I’m sorry I don’t have any solutions as we taught DD to fall asleep by herself from a younger age so while she still arses about for up to 45 minutes, she’s doing it quite contentedly by herself and we get to go downstairs.

Some kind of gentle sleep training perhaps?

Could she be ready for a toddler bed maybe. I had one child who would climb out of the cot but stay in the bed until they fall asleep which could be an hour or more. But they much preferred the bed.

He protested a little bit but I started off close enough to him that I could still hold his hand / stroke his back etc.

A toddler bed would have been a total nightmare, I'm certain he'd have been up and down all night without the cot to contain him. Your DD may be much calmer than my slightly wild child though!

Does she understand enough for you to say that you need to pop and do something (go to the loo maybe?) and you'll be back in one minute? So you go, then come back really quickly but she sees that you have come back like you said. Then you can gradually increase the length of time you're gone for.

You might have to put up with crying at first when you're out of the room very briefly but it might help her get used to you not always being there.

So tonight's tactics are:

• snack when she gets home from nursery
• Calpol if her cough/cold has persisted
• ideally get her in sleeping bag which she has resisted but messes around with the duvet
• make sure she has her favourite teddies to cuddle
• DH sits next to the bed until she falls asleep, comforting but not engaging verbally
• debating whether to play quiet music

I'm hoping we can work to lessen the dependence on lying on top of us to fall asleep first, then gradually move out of the room.

We avoided this by sleep training at about 7 months, might have been earlier but can’t remeber.

They need to learn to settle themselves without you being around and in their own bed.

We have been the envy of parents for a good many years now but the two weeks it took was damn hard work!

Dd goes into cot after milk and story.

She normally plays with ger toys for 20mins or so then falls asleep.

You need to stop the staying with them until they fall asleep

Not much advise really but more I know what u are going through. Little girl is now 2 b/f to sleep from birth till about 16 months old, she slept great to start (was smug for a little while lol) then at 8 months stopped sleeping through would wake up 3-6 times each night and only wanted me even though husband did try once or twice lol. Anyway when she got to 18 months she then stopped naps lol moved her to a single bed very low on the ground and put mattress next to it just in case I had to lay and pretend to be asleep until she feel asleep then she stopped doing that and would play hit me etc so I would leave her room (literally for seconds as was never comfortable with sleep training) then go back in and lay with her till sleep would just leave for like I said second s if she played up then about a month ago she would lay with me after her story then sit up tap me and point at the door so I would leave lol if she started crying would go in but now touch wood for last few weeks I leave she gets her boo boo (teddy) and just goes to sleep. I start her routine at 7:15 brush teeth lotion hair brush story cuddle then leave and she is normally asleep by 8 at the latest usually before. Just wanted you to know it can happen without sleep training if you are not comfortable with that and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I can't help but feel your pain.... Our 2.5yr old has never napped. Been awake all day since she was a few months old! Occasionally fallen asleep in the daytime say twice a month. she also doesn't go to sleep until 9-10pm and gets up 7-8am. I spend hours in her room every night reading and waiting for her to drop off. We've just accepted that some toddlers just don't need much sleep at all. maybe your little one just doesn't need as much sleep anymore?

Hope tonight went well OP!

Don’t sleep train, it’s cruel.

Shorted her nap if you can, she may not be tired enough. My daughter stopped napping at 24 months and bedtime has gone from 1hour+ to 10 minutes. It’s bliss. I still feed her/lay with her to sleep

Had the same problem with my son until I just dropped the nap, around 2 years old. He'll still nap if he has a particularly exhausting day like all day playing hard, but otherwise he's just not tired enough to go to bed at a reasonable hour if he's had even a half an hour nap. I really did try everything before dropping the nap, I really enjoyed that time to get stuff done or rest myself, but everyone in the house is happier this way. 21 months does seem young to have no nap though, maybe she needs a really short one, but I could never manage to wake my son up before he was ready to wake up from his nap, he would be a nightmare for hours after if I woke him up early.

Don’t sleep train, it’s cruel.

There’s nothing cruel about something like gradually moving from lying next to her to sitting on a chair next to her to sitting on a chair near the door to letting her know you’re outside.

There’s nothing wrong with not sleep training either but “cruel”? What bollocks.

So it went ok-ish. I was out at training but apparently there was no extra protesting about him not lying on the bed but she still flip flopped around for 50 mins or so before settling from 7 o'clock when he took her up. So I'm hoping we can gradually move out of the room - if she's happy enough playing/chatting for that length of time on her own then that would be a win. Will keep current tactics for a few days then think about moving chair and/or taking her up a bit later to test if it's just that she's not tired enough til 8ish.

What about later bed time? Was DH trying to settle her from 6 then took her up at 7?

Mine done the same for a while ended up with a later betime because I just wasn't having an argument every night
She doesn't nap now and goes down at about 7 she comes to me and tells me she wants to go to bed although I still BF her tonight she took 4 min to fall asleep then I pop her in her double bed
She does on occasion have a nap but if she does it delays bedtime to 9 pm never later
But I BF on the sofa of I took her upstairs she would not be happy and would fight it so I just let her fall asleep on the boob then take her up and since I've stopped stressing about it were both alot happier lol she's 27 months
Also when mine gets upset she gets sick so I wouldn't even dream of sleep training her
There only babies and they still rely on us for everything they won't be babies forever and u will get your nights back

How's it going now?

Hi just to give an update on where we are after a few weeks - she is still taking 30 mins to fall asleep from 'lights off' however we've gone from her needing to lie on top of our faces to fall asleep, to falling asleep nicely on her own in the bed with us sitting on a chair which is gradually moving closer to the door. We then put her in her cot. No crying so far and I've accepted a new bedtime of 7:30 rather than 7:00. Didn't try and cut/shorten her nap thankfully as she still has 2 hrs and has been (although I'm sure this will jinx us for tonight) sleeping until we wake her at 7am for nursery. I'm hoping we can eventually get to a point where we don't have to be in the room for that 30 mins, then we'll look to move her to a toddler bed with a childproofed room.

Sounds like you've got a win going on there OP! Well done. Long may it last