Worried I won't be a good mum...

[Naetha]

Hiya there, I know this is a worry that most people have, but this niggle is getting bigger. I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first - me and DH been married for 3 years, together for 7 and very happy. We've both had pretty crap upbringings (broken families etc) which has very much made us the people we are today.

My relationship with my mum is a little distant to say the least - she left me when I was 5, and I never spent more than 2 weeks with her at any one time, and never saw her more than about 3 times a year. I now think of her more like an aunt than a mother to be perfectly honest, and similarly my sister (half, and 14 years older than me) is more like a cousin. My stepmum on the other hand (who brought me up along with my Dad from the age of 9) is a complete psycho. Our relationship was reasonable, although not at all loving until I turned about 14, and then she descended into paranoia. She finally threw me out aged 17, 9 months before completing my A-levels because she was convinced I was going to kill her. Needless to say my Dad was a little bit under the thumb at that point (and does a lovely ostrich impression anyway) but left her two years later.

I suppose what I'm getting round to saying (in a very long and roundabout way - apologies!) is I never really experienced much mothering when growing up, and consequently I can come across as being a little cold hearted. I had a very masculine upbringing (stepmum was very much a tomboy as well) and as a result I was (and still am I suppose) a complete tomboy. DH is similar (one of the reasons we get on so well), but I'm worried how it will impact on my LO's upbringing. Like in scampynoodle's thread on the pregnancy forum, I feel as maternal as a brick, and although I'm confident I will love my LO to bits, I'm worried that his upbringing will be too adult, too harsh, too close to the realities of modern life.

Has anyone got any thoughts on this? Anyone else brought up with little or no motherly influene?

Apologies for the vagueness of this post, just testing the water really! All replies appreciated

You are right that it's a normal worry, and you should be reassured by that fact. I can't comment on the specific issue about lack of mothering in your own past. But I wanted to comment on the tomboy thing. I would regard that as a good trait, if anything. It will stand you in brilliant stead if you have a boy. And if you have a girl I can only believe that it will help to protect her from some of the horrible influences that girls are exposed to. A tomboy mum will help her not to be too concerned with appearance, fashion, etc, and to enjoy a balanced childhood.

"I'm confident I will love my LO to bits"

There's all the answer you need. You don't need to have had a good relationship with your own mother to be a good mother yourself; and there are many different ways of being a good mother. At the root of all of them is simply loving your child. Your first child is always a case of trial and error anyway; you'll work out what is right for your personality and do things in your own way, and if you love your child it will know that and all will be well. HTH.

agree with both previous posters. if you're worrying, all you have to ask is, "Is my lo thriving? Is s/he loved?" If you're doing okay at that, you're doing okay.

mind you this will not stop you freaking out about every other little thing, like poo and feeding and sleep etc!

lo's poo, etc, that is, not yours!