I need advice and to just vent. I'm really sorry because this will be looooong! My husband and I have now been together 13 years, married for 6 and we have a wonderful 6 month old son who we both adore. My husband suffered significant trauma in childhood and early adulthood for which he hasn't ever sought counselling and he can be very difficult. He is an only child and is essentially orphaned. There are times (prolonged spells) when he is perfectly pleasant, reasonable, funny and we get on very well; but also times when he is argumentative, verbally abusive and extremely unpleasant. He is prone to anxiety and depression. He is a hoarder but is in fairness to him he is trying to sell some of the items he has kept for years.
I relocated 300 miles away (for a job and to be closer to my parents with a view of starting a family) almost 3 years ago after prolonged discussion with him and the plan was for my husband to follow me once our house had sold. We've had some really bad luck with flooding in the house we're selling, problems with workmen both in the house we bought and the one we're selling and it has genuinely been a nightmare.
When things were better between us approximately 18 months ago we decided to try and conceive which we did quickly but I miscarried 7-8 weeks in and I was devastated. After this he had a sudden change of heart and didn't want a child at that point anymore. I was crushed as I was thrilled we were expecting and couldn't bear to not be pregnant. We used an app based upon my cycle to avoid conceiving the next month but this clearly didn't work (and 9 months later our son was born!) but he accused me of deliberately misleading him to intentionally get pregnant (I genuinely didn't although I was clearly over the moon to be pregnant again). However over the course of the pregnancy our relationship and his mental health disintegrated. At times he was suicidal. He said that he felt abandoned by me and that I'd made little effort to help him to leave the house we are trying to sell. I felt abandoned too and extremely alone (to the point of panic attacks). I was trying to get our new house in a livable state too doing much of the decorating myself and project managing what I physically could not do. Although I probably could have done more to help him I have made significant efforts to try and get us all together including disposing of as much of my own possessions as I could, and he certainly could have moved before our son was born with the suggestions and help I could physically contribute. It is very difficult to just get on and try and pack up/deal with his things myself. I'd be told I was doing it all wrong, he'd become very anxious over it, verbally abusive, etc... but he becomes overwhelmed and can't actually deal with it himself either! It's very difficult for both of us.
Once my son and I were discharged from doctors and hospital we moved back in with my husband, but myself, baby and dog make the 300+ mile drive every 3-4 weeks to visit family, friends, call into work, etc... My husband and I have gradually rebuilt some sort of friendship/relationship and often get on well. On the whole I enjoy his company. He genuinely loves our son with all his heart and despite everything has a great bond with him. He is a very good Dad. He admits he is not as hands on with our son as he could be but he is still breastfed and won't accept a bottle so I understand this is difficult. I am happy to do the lions share of the raising of our son.
Unfortunately in the time I have been away he has become obsessed with politics and regularly (most days) wants to engage me in arguments with him about it which always end in him ranting, shouting, being abusive and insulting. I'm not remotely interested in arguing with him about anything and will do almost anything to avoid conflict but I find his political views completely at odds with my own and I won't just blindly agree with anything he says. I often just say nothing or try and change the subject but that apparently is indicative of my political persuasion and he can't just agree to disagree. Although I'm nowhere near as consumed by my political position as he is, we both genuinely consider each other brainwashed by our respective "sides", maybe we're both right? Unfortunately all this makes me realise I really quite dislike him and I certainly don't want our son to think his level of disrespect, name calling and so on is a normal, loving relationship. We seem to have nothing in common as politics and conspiracy theory is now his primary interest aside from mma and motorbikes (not my thing either). He had loads of friends when we first met but they seem to have gone by the wayside. Some are actually more extreme and obsessive than him so I'm quite pleased to a certain extent that they're not an influence on his life and opinion anymore. I have reconnected with some of our female friends while I've been back but he is actually extremely isolated here.
I started getting nauseated two weeks ago and found out much to our shock last week that I was pregnant again (positive test on Wednesday which came up straightaway) despite still breastfeeding, not having had a period and there only being one possible conception date but sadly (perhaps fortunately) I seem to have had another very early miscarriage this week and now only get negative tests. I'd hoped he might have twigged that maybe we are just lucky and just fall pregnant very easily and I didnt deviously get pregnant last time but he doesn't seem to acknowledge this. He doesn't actually seem convinced that I was pregnant this time at all as he thinks maybe it was a false positive test which I know is not possible. I am clearly upset but not devastated as my son would only be 14 months when the baby was probably due, we can't really afford another baby yet but I also realised I'm not convinced I actually want another child with my husband as although I genuinely have a deep affection for him I'm not sure I love or even like him as a person anymore and I certainly don't want to be a single mother of two. He has made it clear on several occasions that he doesn't love me anymore but I think in theory if he could he would move the 300 miles and live with us although I'm not sure this is what I want anymore. I've realised I would like a rewarding, meaningful relationship and probably another child. I'm not sure if this is something that I could have with my husband anymore. He still refuses to have any sort of counselling to deal with his issues.
I could possibly make do alone financially although it would be very tough but I'm reluctant to separate my husband from his son when he is so vulnerable and isolated and my son does need his father in his life, not 300 miles away.
So help, please! Would you send my husband away somewhere and deal with all his stuff and run the risk of doing it all wrong and the fall - out from that, and then put up with our flawed marriage, constantly hoping the relationship will get better forever as I have for the last 13 years? Or would you callously leave him to it, take his son away from him and try to move on? Moving back here permanently is not an option for me as my work opportunities are very restricted here and I need to be near my family more than ever. Any advice is appreciated.