6yo behaviour ruining family life

[PETRONELLAS]

He’s wonderfully funny and energetic but has recently deliberately been doing lots of things right in front of us that he knows are naughty. E.g, I’d said pass the cards nicely and he threw them. Chose to lick some food on the side I was waiting to cool down. There are so many examples. He has a lot of attention/toys. DH has removed the iPad but I want to keep it positive and offer incentives. I’m a bit in despair.

This is normal boundary testing.
Decide on your rules, make sure you and his dad agree, stick to them and be consistent.
Your thread title is very dramatic, unless there is some truly awful behaviour you haven't mentioned.

So, re the cards, you simply put them away, saying "oh dear, we can't play with those now because you threw them when I asked you to pass them nicely". End of subject. Do something else.
Licking the food, " Oh dear, that was a silly thing to do. You will have to have something not as nice for dinner now".
Remain calm.
In what way is family life being ruined?

My husband is very down about it and my other DC are struggling to deal with the constant snatching, noises, silliness and seeing us trying to find an effective solution.
I don’t find it a dramatic title - I am in despair and have no one to ask for help and am worried about my DH.

Completely agree with @endofthelinefinally - normal boundary testing unless there are much worse incidents you've not mentioned. Just stay calm and either ignore or punish (depending on what's actually happened). Important that you and your husband are united in what the boundaries are and he subsequent punishment.

It was the end of the game and did get put away. I also try to distract/use a stare - yes your suggestion of then not having the food is helpful thank you.

Sorry for multiple posts, but has dh explained, in age appropriate language, the connection between the cards, food licking and removing the ipad? Because it sounds a bit confusing to me.

Thank you for saying it’s normal. I’ve older DC but they’re very different. By six they would not be persistently and deliberately doing so many disruptive things.

*the not he.

How old are your other children? This really doesn't sound that bad to me and certainly not bad enough to get your DH down to an extent that's worrying you. Is there anything else going on?

Are your older children boys or girls? I've only got boys and this is normal to me but friends with only girls did seem to behave differently. Mine have all grown out of it (although can still be right little wotsits at times! 10 is another big testing time due to hormones!)

If you are worried it's for attention then the best distraction etc is to praise every single thing that he does sensibly.

Great teeth brushing.
You walked up the stairs so well and quickly we have time for 2 more pages of book this evening.
Oh wow. You ate that dinner so well I think I'll make your favourite tomorrow as I know it'll get eaten etc.

With the cards I would have just ignored. I'd have carried on talking to his siblings though.
With dinner I would have picked it up and binned it. Then served everyone a meal but him and without explanation. If asked is simply say "well it's in the bin because you licked it. Sit at table nicely and I'll make you some toast when I've eaten mine".

I was raised this way and do so with my ds. (But have To be different as he's autistic).

9/10 when I asked my mum why something had happened she'd look me steadily in the eye and say "you know exactly why". And if I had the guts to say I didn't she would reply "well work it out"

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead
I love your reply! I agree w you that boys behave differ t to girls but unfortunately I got just about stoned on here (check my thread 'boys and noise in AIBU).
My 6 year old is a total whirlwind at the moment and although I find his wildness wonderfully free, I definitely had to start putting more serious consequences in place for deliberate naughty behaviour. I have found that a super calm approach and very much 'oh dear' response works much better than showing my annoyance. Boys are definitely different and they test is different! You're doing fine!!

This sounds familiar. Mine is 7 now and I feel like the gaps between episodes of gratuitously stupid behaviour are getting bigger - six was quite a trying age here, although in fairness he was struggling with some big circumstantial stuff too (new sibling, hard time at school) so not sure whether the age was just coincidental.

You say your son gets plenty of attention already so perhaps this isn’t relevant to you, but with mine it definitely makes a difference if I’ve pre-empted his nonsense with a bit of direct engagement and connection first. I found we either went on a cycle of both feeling good and being considerate, or totally the opposite. I like that idea about seven positive interactions for every negative interaction (am not hung up on the science of ‘7’, but as a principle of magnitude it makes sense) and I massively reined in on my grumbling about things which wouldn’t change as a result - which I think makes my annoyance at stuff like your examples a bit more impactful, because he’s not tuning out my droning dissatisfaction the way he used to.

Final thought is to suggest a bit of consideration to whether you are otherwise stressed/ whether the feelings his behaviour is triggering are potentially disproportionate. They may or may not be - it’s only an idea. So eg in your example - the food kicking thing, I’d be a bit “ FFS DS” but I wouldn’t be removing iPads or feeling things were ruined (I’d happily eat licked food 🤷🏼‍♀️). The card-throwing thing would piss me the fuck off, because it would feel really contemptuous and disrespectful, BUT objectively I don’t think it actually is, at 6 I think the rudeness of that gesture would need spelling out still and then I’d hope for a spontaneous clearing up of the cards as a remedial gesture. I may be projecting a bit too much here - I am quite often finding this with my 7yo, that something feels disrespectful and so my instinct is to fly off the handle, but with time to reflect I’ve realised I’m responding to all my baggage when he literally doesn’t understand how or why it would be rude. He’s the age for learning that, not for knowing it already.

Thank you for the advice and insights. Really helped me this evening. Instead of getting cross with some low level(ish) stuff at bedtime I did the whole ‘if you do that then x) and did an extra story to reward the good choices. Sometimes when you’re ‘in it’ and stressed you can’t find your own solutions and doubt your own judgement.
Nell, actually I am busy with some other crap going on so thank you for making me realise that may be having an effect.
Stay calm, be nice, and use a lot of ‘oh dears’...that’s Monday ready.