20month old bad behaviour

[Nickname1234567]

Hi,
My 20 month old is being really “Naughty”, to be honest he has never been easy, he still wakes up for 4+ bottles of milk in the night and has always been an awful sleeper and has always been a real handful in the day since day one pretty much. But now his behaviour has just plummeted, and i really thought he couldn't get any worst behaved! People always ask me how i cope with him, and people are always giving me looks when im out as he is and always has been since he was about 6 months either crying, having a tantrum or since this age, lying on the floor screaming. I dont care what others think though, and i love my baby boy to pieces, i hate talking badly of him because he really is the apple of my eye, but i really need some advice now, as I'm starting to struggle and feel at my witts end with not knowing how to approach the behaviour.
I think the terrible twos are up on us, and i need some help of how to deal with the way he is acting. I have never been able to go shopping without him screaming regardless of doing anything and everything to stop him, but lately he has became worst, he gets out of the straps in the pushchair, he wont sit in a trolley, he falls to the floor and screams. He is screaming constantly, he wants his own way all of the time. He wont eat anything at all, he will snack here and there but wont eat his meals, just throws them. He is smacking, which i have shouted at him for as he is smacking hard in maliciousness. He is pulling my hair. And constantly having fits and tantrums on the floor. Its getting to the point where i literally dont want to take him anywhere because he makes my life hell if i do. I wont accept invitations to go anywhere anymore because he is that bad when i go out, i am run ragged and sweating almost crying because of how badly behaved he is. Any recommendations? Books etc? Or advice? Please thanks

has always been an awful sleeper and has always been a real handful in the day since day one pretty much. But now his behaviour has just plummeted, and i really thought he couldn't get any worst behaved!

Do you ever use any positive language around him?

All behaviour is communication. He is trying to tell you something when he is acting out. (At 20 months he is still running on instincts and it sounds like he may be scared of something.) Is he verbal? Do you ever engage with him calmly?

What does an average day look like?

Two things stand out...

1. he isn’t likely to eat meals in the day if he’s having 4 bottles of milk a night and
2. if he’s waking so frequently in the night he’s probably knackered, and tiredness affects behaviour.

I would deal with the milk/sleep thing first.

Both of which you’ve been advised about before.

What happened at the HV development check earlier in the year?

Yes I agree with SoyDora. There's no way that a 20 month old needs so much milk at night. If you wean him off the bottle at night, it might help with his eating and tiredness during the day, which may have a knock on effect on the screaming.

It sounds so hard for you, but I do also agree with Boob about trying to use positive communication and not pigeon holing him as a naughty boy. Try to be very very calm and patient with his crying and tantrums, yet firm about not giving in to him.

Hang in there OP. I hope things improve for you.

Just saw that I have commented on one of the OP’s previous posts basically saying exactly the same thing I said above!

I agree with PP.
He’s probably overtired and that will contribute to his difficult behaviour - when my DS starts acting up I know it’s past nap time. He doesn’t need any milk at night - never mind four bottles. That must interfere with eating his meals in the day too. It will be hard going - but I would definitely start by cutting out the night feeds and focus on getting a full nights sleep.

Are you able to substitute some of his bottles with water, maybe gradually water down the milk so he slowly gets used to it?

I have a similar aged son and I spend time with other kids of his age and the behaviour as you describe it sounds extreme to me? What are his triggers? Does he get enough fun time running around and exploring during the day? It's very hard from your description to give any advice as we don't know what his day looks like. I would suggest some professional help.

Obvcourse i do! I always engage with him calmly, and in fact the only time i have told him off is for smacking as he knows what he is doing. I am very gentle with him, which people tell me i should not be as gentle as i “let him walk all over me” apparently. But i find it hard to discipline him as it upsets me too much and he is still young. Hence why im here for advice to ask the best way to deal with it from other parents point of view. Im not here for criticism, only advice. I wrote this in a rush so it is probably all jumbled and probably makes me sound terrible. I am not a horrible mother and i dont think badly of him, he is just such a handful lately, he doesn't see hitting around him, or any kind of nastiness,or shouting. He is an only child, so im putting it down to frustration, as he does it if hes not getting his own way, such as if he throws his toy on the floor but wants it back, then i give it back to him, he does it again and again, then i will say you can have it later as you keep throwing it, he will smack and scream and pull your hair.
I have been to see the HV about the milk in the night and she said that it is not that uncommon and that if it doesnt bother me then to continue giving the milk, or stop and deal with him crying all night, which i did for around a week and found it too difficult so then gave up, as he was screaming all night i hadnt slept at all, as i dont have any help.

Definitely stop giving him milk at night, give him water if he's genuinely thirsty but there is no way on earth that a 20 month old needs 4 bottles of milk during the night. Agree with pp's that this will be having a knock on effect on his appetite for meals and behaviour during the day, he must be exhausted. It will be really hard for the first few nights (sounds like the nights are hard already though) but you have to just push through it, just don't give him the milk. Once he learns that there is no milk at night time then he should just stop waking for it but it takes will power and perseverance. Maybe even do it gradually to make it a bit easier, 2 bottles for a few nights then 1 for a few more then none. Good luck.

I have been to see the HV about the milk in the night and she said that it is not that uncommon and that if it doesnt bother me then to continue giving the milk, or stop and deal with him crying all night, which i did for around a week and found it too difficult so then gave up, as he was screaming all night i hadnt slept at all, as i dont have any help

Ok, but that doesn’t change the fact that it will be contributing to his behaviour during the day and to him not eating meals. So you say it doesn’t bother you waking up to give him the milk, but the effects of it are bothering you.

Yes i take him to play group twice a week, and to the park after or to a play area, he is out every single day, he is constantly on the go, we are always doing something. Its only “adult” activities he doesn't accept and i dont even want to go to do anymore as its exhausting, like shopping or meeting up with friends, or even going to a family members for a cup of tea, i used to go and struggle to he whole time i was there so i have give up now. But would never stop his activities because of his behaviour, he likes all the things he does, but his behaviour gets pretty extreme when it comes to something he does not want to do. Even if i want to sit down and he does not want me to he will have a break down.

It does bother me waking up in the night for milk thats why i chose to seek help from HV but i tried to stop and it was exhausting, i was getting 2 hours sleep during the night for a week, as he is wouldn't sleep all night because he was waking for bottles, i tried watered down and water or squash but nothing worked for him.

You really need to deal with the milk in the night, your HV is wrong. Ideally a baby will not be having bottles at all after 12 months just milk in.a cup, having 4 bottles a night could cause real damage to his teeth.

I would water down the milk a little at a time so eventually it is pure water and I would change the bottle to a cup. Of course he isn’t eating meals because he is full up with milk.

I am also surprised that the HV said it wasn’t uncommon. 4 bottles a night is a vast amount of milk, and the recommendation is that children shouldn’t be using bottles after 12 months due to potential damage to teeth.

I haven’t read your other posts. You sound really at the end of your tether. It’s so hard sometimes and everything is 100x harder on such broken sleep.

Your child does sound unusually unhappy. I wouldn’t approach this as a behavioural issue to be corrected with training, I think; tantrumming toddlers are normal, crying babies are normal, ‘naughty’ isn’t a very meaningful concept at 20mo (my DC2 is 18mo so I promise I haven’t forgotten what I’m talking about!).

You sound like you need a break - can you get one in any way? I would honestly help out any friend or neighbour in this situation by taking their child for a couple of hours - people like to help. I think sometimes we need a break from our children to remind us that they’re loveable, especially when they are being quite difficult company. And I think often when our children are being taken quite difficult company, is when they most need to feel loved...

I was pretty surprised by that too. He only has a 360 beaker during the day, i hate that he has a bottle at night, it is just so exhausting being up every night for so long it really got to me in the end i found it just easier to wake up and give him a bottle rather then hours and hours of screaming and then being so exhausted in the day due to it

I am very gentle with him, which people tell me i should not be as gentle as i “let him walk all over me” apparently. But i find it hard to discipline him as it upsets me too much and he is still young.

There is a middle ground though. You need to get over being upset about it - discipline isn’t being horrible, its part of parenting - the same as feeding, bathing, cuddling etc. it’s about setting boundaries and teaching good behaviour. If you don’t make a start now it will only get much much much more difficult.

Everyone else has given comments with which I agree wholeheartedly so will just say - this will pass.

All the best .

Can he climb out of his cot? When he has a tantrum at home you could try putting him in his cot (or basically anywhere safe that he can't escape) for a few minutes or until the tantrum has fizzled out. And when out and about secure him in the pushchair/trolley and wait outside the shop until the tantrum has fizzled out. Ignoring tantrums with a cuddle and breezy "OK now? Shall we carry on (whatever we are doing)?" at the end has always worked for me.

I would ignore HV and go to the GP I think. Explore physical causes in tandem with trying to do a bit of a refresh on the connection/attachment between you both. I was referred to the parent-infant psychologist when my first child (also a difficult and grumpy baby) was a bit younger than yours - it was v beneficial to both of us. I also wondered about allergies/intolerances, reading your post, but perhaps I’m projecting based on my own experiences (DC2 has CMPI). Basically I think there are medical causes to consider/Eliminate, and I’d also look at improving the relationship between you and your child. I don’t think it’s ‘naughtiness’ at such a young age. Sending love. Do the kind things for yourself as much as you can manage - herbal tea, paint your toenails, but a new book to read, whatever is manageable and doesn’t feel like an extra pressure on you, basically. You can do this.

Few points/questions:

Where is the OH you refer to in other posts?

Discipline means “to learn”. It doesn’t mean “punish”.

Maybe he thinks throwing the toy, and having you return it is a fun game, and is sad when it stops and he doesn’t understand why. It’s confusing that you play along for a while and then tell him no because he’s throwing it.

Watering down the milk is a good strategy.

20 month olds shouldn’t be having squash.

Most 20 months olds are only children, so I’m not sure what that has to do with anything. Most of the children I know are only children (all 8-9 years old) and they didn’t behave that way.

You’ve mentioned elsewhere a regression in talking. Where is that at? I ask because one of the ways to deal with the slapping and hair pulling is to hold your son in a cuddle (restricting arm movement) and calmly explaining that “we don’t do that”. If he can’t use words he may not have another way to communicate with you.

Agree with others that you need a break.

He doesn’t sound like he has any boundaries. If I’m honest It sounds like he knows exactly how to get his own way

Discipline isn’t something to be scared about. Children actually feel incredibly secure when they know exactly what they can and can’t do. It sounds like you don’t disioline him. And so he can run rings around you. As others have stated. I would cut out the milk. He can’t go for more than a week with 2 hrs of sleep.

I would go to the gp to make sure. If he’s putting on weight. Then I would for sure cut out the milk. Cold turkey.

Agree with PP about the sleep, he's probably exhausted which won't help his moods. My DS is the same age and there is a marked difference in his behaviour depending on how well he's slept. He doesn't need milk or a drink in the night so I'd work on cutting that out - yes, you're going to have an awful few nights while you do it but I think you'd see the benefit in behaviour and his eating.

At this age they are exploring absolutely everything but they need boundaries and guidance to do so safely. My DS loves throwing but I don't tolerate throwing at me or if it's not a suitable toy or space, I'll give him an alternative option that he can throw safely or move to a different room. I try to use gaps in his play to call him over for meals or change his nappy etc. I give him choices about activities he can do as he has access to a number of toys by himself as well as books. I give him (limited) choices on food - mostly about when he is finished or when he wants his pudding. They have so few choices in their day that it must be really frustrating, especially if you can't express it (mine doesn't have any words yet so there is a lot of angry pointing). Lastly I've found quiet time works well especially later on in the day when he's tired and easily upset - I sometimes pop him in his cot for a short while for him to decompress and relax. We've been to soft play this afternoon and he was clearly over simulated when we got home, crying and started to pull my hair, didn't want to play so he went in his cot for 20 minutes and was perfectly happy just rolling round and was back to his normal lovely self afterwards.

Just wanted to give you a hug and say I understand OP. Mine is 23 months and extremely similar. I find it really hard and I am doing my best. Have you heard of the term high needs babies/toddlers? That’s my DS to a T. And I need to keep reminding myself he came out of the womb like that and i’m not just a shit mother. www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby

There’s a group of Facebook for high needs babies and it’s been a lifeline to me.

Sorry, this isn't naughtyness, it's being a toddler

Shouting/ telling off doesn't work- they just cognitively cannot understand it nor are they being malicious. They might just about know hitting isn't nice but they also don't have sufficient impulse control to not do so.

You mention frustration- how good or not is his speech?