Lovely but loud, hyperactive daughter

[Espara]

My daughter is polite, kind and lovely. She has never hurt anyone or anything really. But she is so loud and hyperactive ALL the time. To the point that I find being around her for long periods induces my anxiety to very high levels.
She shouts when she talks and talks constantly. Meal times are a racy monologue of incessant chatter. She verbalises every thought that enters her head.
I also have a younger child, so I find it very very difficult when I'm solo parenting. But the biggest issue is my anxiety levels. The constant noise and questions sends my nerves sky-rocketing, sometimes I even feel a bit shaky.
It's hard because she isn't naughty at all. She just loves life and hyperactively and happily throws herself into everything.
I am ashamed to say that I'm struggling to cope with her and that I often feel I want to curl up into a ball when I'm around her and shut my eyes (and my ears!). I'm constantly saying "ssshhhh."
DH agrees she's loud and hyper as do others,but everyone else seems to find it endearing. I'm worried I'm going to crush her spirits by constantly shushing her, although I've noticed other children asking her to speak more quietly too! Part of me thinks she really does need to calm down a little and another part thinks, why should she? It's not her fault I have anxiety and need a bit more quiet.
I've tried to be less direct in my approach:
So far, I've tried calming music, taken her
and the baby to sensory rooms to induce a bit of calm during the day, instigated "crazy time" into everyday and I lower my voice and speak in whispers myself in a bid to lower hers.
Nothing has an affect. She will jump around the sensory room, speak over music loudly, continue speaking loudly when I am in a whisper and fill every ounce of time with questions on anything and everything... really mundane questions about very trivial things.
I spoke to her teacher about the possibility of her having some form of adhd/autism and she said definitely not. Just said that she had an "incredible mind." Which is brilliant and I'm very proud, but I do feel even more inadequate to be her Mum when I find her so overbearing, jumpy, loud and crazy.
We even have to do separate story times at bedtime for her and her baby brother as she can't sit still during the story, interrupts and flips the flaps so much that he ends up wired and hyper too.
I have observed other children her age and they are not constantly talking and fidgeting like she is. I think they also get bored at her fixations on minor details during conversations which she will witter on and on about.
It's like she has a nervous energy about her and it really sets me on edge. I feel awful saying that. I love her deeply, she is wonderful, but finding her hyperactivity very tiresome.
Any ideas to help me actually enjoy her instead of feeling so uptight and exhausted all the time?
And of course, ways I can get her to calm down in a kind way?

No advice but sounds like my five year old, I feel the need to sit in a dark room when she's gone to bed!

The teacher is not qualified to dismiss ADHD or autism. Please speak to your GP if you’re concerned.

Your dd sounds just like my dd :) she is 8.
I highly suspect ADHD as I’ve recently been diagnosed at the age of 41. I recognise so many of the symptoms from reading lots about how it presents in girls and women.

My 16yr old ds has Aspergers and is totally different, very quiet unless with his friends.
I also feel like I’m shushing dd and dont want to suppress her fab personality.
Good luck

How old is she. My daughter is 8 and very much as you describe. It's never ending.

She talks constantly about everything and nothing. She never walks she skips runs jumps. She flits from
One thing to another. She is exhausting to be around.

She seems younger than her age as she is very excitable.

I put her to bed and she calls constantly to tell me stuff.

She cannot focus on anything. She cannot sit still and wait at school to ask a question she jumps up.

She has dyspraxia and is being referred for adhd!

Just to add, dd and I do mindfulness together on YouTube and also listen to thunderstorm/rain music which is incredibly calming and relaxing.

Sounds just like my 10 year old. It's an awful thing to say but I sometimes find parenting her quite draining. Even though she's an absolutely lovely kid, full of fun and joy. But there's also the non stop movement, talking, questioning. She's very outgoing, bubbly and impulsive whereas I'm more introverted and quiet. Neither of us are 'wrong' in our ways but we can clash at times. I'm not a professional but do work with children with sen and I don't think there's anything that needs investigating.

I'm working on it and have been for years. It doesn't help that I also have a much younger child so my time and attention is unfairly split at the moment and all I want to do once I've got the youngest settled is sleep.

I have found it helps my dc to have lots of physical activity. Sports clubs at school, trampolining in the garden, going for walks etc tend to calm her down a bit. She's also happiest when she's got a project of some kind. She does have screen time but I find that makes it all a lot worse.

I've also learnt it's ok to request peace and quiet for a set time as dc has gotten old enough to understand this. When the questions get a bit much I ask her to write them down or google them herself. Or I just say no more questions for X time. This is helping me to be less grouchy. Sometimes I need a bit of head space 

It’s hard to tell as a stranger. It could be that she has something underlying that is causing this and you need to go down a medical route.
I have one quiet child and one loud, active one. Just as I encourage my quiet child to come out of his shell, I have also encouraged my other child to modulate himself. I don’t see that as crushing his spirit. I see it as part of my job as his parent to help him socialise effectively. So when he says the same thing a million times, I tell him kindly to move on and that it’s not very interesting. (I had to encourage the other one to speak to other children!). Only you can tell whether it’s just personality in which case you can help to mould it or if she cannot actually physically restrain herself.

She could just be one of those Labrador children, the ones that need 3 runs a day.

A teacher has no qualification to say whether your daughter has ADHD or ASD or not. Sadly, many GPs won't have a clue either, particularly for girls.

If you have concerns raise them with your GP and push for a referral.

A very good friend's daughter (friend knows I'm posting this) was told her daughter was just bright and inquisitive by the school. A GP dismissed concerns too. A second GP listened and referred them. The girl now has an ADHD diagnosis. School were very surprised and doubtful at first. But as the girl has got older more "issues" have become apparent and school now have appropriate support in place. None of the issues are academic. (I also have experience of ADHD and ASD through work and in my family).

The description of your daughter could be of my friend's daughter (difference is my friend is loud and chatty herself so doesn't find that side of things so draining 😜). No one on online is qualified offer a diagnosis. I am not trying to do that at all. But if you are concerned, don't let one teacher's unqualified opinion put you offer seeking support. The teacher may be right but she may also be wrong.

As a SENDCO it sounds very like ADHD possibly with other co morbid non neurotypical disorders. Teachers have very very very little training on this and I would not go on her/ his word. GPs as well also are very patchy with knowledge. It will take ages for her to be seen by CAHMS so, if you can afford it, I would pay for a private assessment. If they are still going BIBIC used to offer contributory assessments. It sounds relentless and also shows that your child can't think about someone else's feelings or gauge responses facially at a rudimentary level. Children will be egotistical but should have some awareness that people aren't interested or not listening. Speaking too loudly can be a sign of a range of challenges and a good speech and language therapist ( particularly one who has experience in ASD) should be sought out for an assessment. She needs social skills work. Can I suggest The Talkabout series. It's a bit worksheet based but school may have a copy. Also write your own social stories to model acceptable behaviour. Comic strip conversations are also good because that way you can use thought bubbles of what people might be thinking.

She may also have sensory processing issues. You clearly do as you are hyper sensitive (as am I) where as she may be hypo sensitive and weirdly be overactive so she knows where she is in space and to wake herself up.

I really think it worth getting looked at as it is affecting daily life and has been prolonged.

Good luck.

Just had another thought. I raised adhd when my daughter got dyspraxia diagnosis in y1 and it was dismissed by consultant. However the issues persisted and seem over and above dyspraxia.

So now school agree and we just await the referral.

She sounds a lot like 2 children I know well who have both been diagnosed with ADHD. They are the sweetest, funniest, friendliest kids but they are FULL ON all the time!! Their teachers have put special measures in place to help them cope in the classroom and it seems to be helping. Wouldn't hurt to talk to your GP.

"everyone else seems to find it endearing."
[Teacher doesn't find the child difficult]

implies the intolerance is with OP, not that the child is excessive.

I guess I'd work on volume control. "Mummy can't handle loud noise so can I give you a challenge to talk really quiet & clearly? It's a good skill to have." Make it into a competition.

And tire her out, for sure, with physical activities. Does she swim, go for 5 mile walks, dance or gymnastics?

Are you just plain shattered & your own resilience is crap right now, OP?

How much exercise does she get? And how much screen time (background included)? What about her nutrition?
And have her ears been checked?

She's seen speech and language already for the loudness, her ears have also been checked.
S&L weren't particularly helpful. They put it doen to her brain working faster than her speech and her speech over-compensating for it.
I believe her father is hypersensitive so this would fit and looks to be hereditary. Yes as I am hyper-sensitive... I'm exhausted by the 2 of them.
It could possibly be me. Perhaps its my issues and I am too sensitive. What if I put her through assessments and the real issue is me? I'd struggle to live with that.

*her father is hyposensitive that should say

Op - I know this thread goes back to 2019, but I was wondering how is your DD now?

Sorry it’s an old thread, what happened with your Dd, op? Sounds exactly like my 5 year old