Patting/Stroking to settle - does it work?!

[coffeefrappuccinolight]

I am a first time mum of a nearly 6 month old.
She cries like it’s the end of the world if anything is wrong and without picking her up I am totally unable to get her to settle.

I am thinking about sleep training. I keep reading books that encourage you to pat my baby/stroke them to soothe them if they’re upset and try not to pick her up if she is crying, or pick up only if necessary. Let me be clear, for my daughter, it will always be necessary. She always hysterically cries - and has once or twice, when i’ve been unable to get to her, vomited due to crying so much.

Is this normal for some children?

First assess the frustration during day time. If something goes wrong for normal things like changing nappies to not being able to grab something, you must not pick her up and console her. There is nothing to be upset about so no cuddle for normal life. Distraction works usually very well. There will be thousands of hurdles in her life, she needs to be fine with them. By all mean look at her, talk to her but do not console her. Calm voice , say « nothing to cry about» let’s read a book or put some music on the radio .
Once she will be used to you not running to her at every cry, then you can tackle nights

My DS was like yours (only at night - I've always been a "Get up, you're fine" heartless bitch parent).

Patting did work when I decided to grow a pair and move him in to his own bed (out of mine), he still doesn't sleep through though and he's 18 months, and still requires my presence to fall asleep which we're working on. I moved him when he was 16 months.

I think nursery helped a lot though.

Patting was the only thing that worked for DS2. He didn't want to be held but he would settle and stop crying very quickly if I stood over the cot and rubbed and patted his back.

Made me feel like a miracle worker when I discovered it. Was like magic! I'd been tearing my hair out previous to that.

They're all different. Patting had no effect on mine if she was crying, only picking up helped at that age. 6 months is tiny in the grand scheme of things and some babies are just very needy.

yeah i think she is quite a needy baby! i will persevere with distraction techniques before picking her up in the day! so far let’s and youtube have worked the best!

i sometimes wonder if i’ve taught her that il pick her up if she kicks off enough? it seems like an impossible task to pat her to sleep/settle currently...

You won't spoil her by picking her up at this age

At 2.2, DS now asks for a pat if he's not quite gone off but I'm a gentle parent and haven't sleep trained, bedshare still if needed and bf til almost 2. And I still pick him up if he's upset or frustrated. And actually, sometimes the cuddle is what's needed to soothe the frustration at not being able to do something.

She's still a tiny baby. Do what works. You are not letting her manipulate you, she isn't capable of that.

Feel free to ignore my alternative viewpoint though

I’m with @harrysmummy246.

Patting had no impact on my little one. Just pick up and cuddle, you will not spoil a 6 month old by cuddling them too much. As for making a rod for your own back, I think it’s a load of rubbish. My 2 year old sleeps in her own room all night now having co slept from birth, we found the transition easy and no tears.

Thank you everyone! I think my main concern is sleep - i worry we both aren’t sleeping well and DH has been relegated to the spare room as we have been cosleeping and she is attached all night to my boob!

i don’t know if this is normal or healthy?? and when does cosleeping become too dangerous with them rolling around etc?!

It's not the norm in Western cultures but is biologically normal for them to do that. Could she be teething? Mine would do that during teething.

I know several people who have adapted beds for cosleeping with either bed guards or converting to a floor bed.

At 6 months we had to pick up but by one a quick bum pat or hand on the back worked most of the time. We taught him to settle himself off to sleep at about 11 months and I think that had a big impact.

Works for some and not others. By 6mo my daughter wouldn't go to sleep unless she was on her own and in the pitch black. There I was desperately trying to cuddle / rock / pat / shush her to sleep every night and lo and behold, the night when I finally reached the end of my tether, put her down safely in her cot and left the room to take a breath and calm down, she immediately stopped crying as soon as I left the room and went straight to sleep. She's been like it ever since, won't fall asleep until she's alone!

I'm in a similar position to you but I am going to try sleep training. DS is now 8 months old and still has 8 feeds a night, not due to hunger but because he can't sleep any other way. I read a few books that echoed the "it's only natural to cosleep and breastfeed to sleep" ideology. I don't dispute this IS what happens in nature and in other cultures. However, in our culture, mothers often work and I can't go back to work and do a demanding job whilst being up 8 times a night. He will learn on his own, but it could take years. This is the culture to which I belong and so I need my baby to also conform to this culture. I'd say it depends on your situation, OP, but if you're flipping knackered and relationship taking a knock (I can count on one hand the number of times DH shared a bed with us since DS was born) then it's perhaps worth considering sleep training. I'm nervous about it but I'm more nervous about the impact on all our lives if I can't do my job properly!

I have found now with my DS that’s picking him up actually makes him cry harder cos I have to put him back down. I stroke his back for a few minutes and he usually just flops himself back down and to sleep so I think it works! They do that at his nursery too so I wonder if that has helped.

My 3.5 yo ds still co sleeps with me (single mum).
I find he has to be touching me to settle and he likes to slightly tuck a hand or foot underneath me, I think to make sure I'm there.
When he was little I found gently stroking his forehead down to his nose with the back of my hand really settled him and made him fall asleep.

I keep reading books that encourage you to pat my baby/stroke them to soothe them if they’re upset and try not to pick her up if she is crying, or pick up only if necessary
They sound like terrible books to be honest. If cuddling works, cuddle. If not-cuddling leads to tears and vomit, cuddle. You don't have to pat because a book says so; it's not any less work than a cuddle. If patting works, full speed ahead but it sounds like it doesn't.

And she's tiny! She can't be needy; except in the sense that all babies need caregivers to meet their needs. If she's a big cryer/needs cuddles, it's not anything abnormal or that you're doing wrong and need to change, you don't need to distract her or refuse to console her. It's just what she needs right now! A cuddle!

(Disclaimer: I've only got a 4-month-old, terrible sleeper, I feed and cuddle her to sleep all the time, though she will accept a stroke or a bum wobble. But "no cuddles for normal life" sounds like a horrendous dystopia to me.)

Mines never accepted a pat pat ssh ssh. It was cuddle or hysteria and shes pretty chill baby so happy to oblige as she needs it.

The only thing that worked was running my finger softly and quickly from between her eyebrows to her nose but that was only if she was settled enough to receive it.

Love on your little one as much as possible.

Thank you everyone - i think i’ll wait a little longer and keep giving her lots of cuddles/baby wearing in the day! i think she’s hitting separation anxiety age anyway which is never going to be easy!

@TheWorstWitch11 - I too have a job which requires night/late shifts and day shifts are 8-6, which is why i worry so much about night times! At some point i will have to sleep train in some fashion, but maybe il wait a little longer, like you - maybe she’ll get a little better in the meantime and then il have a better baseline to work from!