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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

I gave them to their dad

27 replies

Andra09 · 02/09/2019 13:00

I am a single parent of a 5yr old and 20 month. I've posted on here before. They go to their dads every other weekend and I d9 EVERYTHING ELSE myself. I don't work atm so i've been home all 6 weeks holiday with them. I stopped taking my antidepressants 2 months ago and everything has slowly spiralled out of control. I can't cope and gave them to their dad last week. My eldest is due back to school tomorrow and her dad lives miles away...but I don't want them back right now.

Am I an awful parent!!??

OP posts:

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cakeandchampagne · 02/09/2019 13:07

If you were doing better on medication, maybe you need it. Does your doctor know you stopped?
You’re not “awful”- you made sure someone is taking care of your children while you can’t.

Original poster

Andra09 · 02/09/2019 13:28

I was getting worse on the medication and it was increased just before I stopped (due to a mix up with my prescription) I haven't told the doctor as they are a waste of space. I just have all this guilt inside and it's finally got the best of me

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 02/09/2019 13:32

Do you think their dad felt like this when you had them most of the time? They're being cared for by their parent, you don't need to feel bad about anything.

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5 year olds Families General parenting

EAIOU · 02/09/2019 13:37

I would get back to the GP and commence a low dose AD before seeing if you need it adjusted.

It is a lot, 2 little ones on your own.

What do you do for yourself?? What time do you make to just relax?

cakeandchampagne · 02/09/2019 13:37

Those 6 weeks must have been very difficult.

What are you planning to try now?

Raphael34 · 02/09/2019 13:42

You’re not an awful parent, but you need to seek help as you clearly aren’t getting better on your own. You need to go back to your doctor and explain your situation so they can put a plan in place. In the meantime you are going to have to work out how to get your eldest to school. They can’t be missing any. How far away is their dad? Can he get them there and back, or is there public transport? Could their dad or a friend or relative of yours stay with you and take care of them in their home?

Northernlurker · 02/09/2019 13:44

Can you talk to their dad about it? Is he expecting to bring them back?

Original poster

Andra09 · 02/09/2019 13:57

I honestly don't want to go back on any medication. I was taking it for 2 years. Their dad has said school is too far for him to get her there so she'll have to miss a week. I don't really have anyone to help as my parents work. Then I feel embarrassed for asking because they're my kids.

OP posts:

CalmFizz · 02/09/2019 14:00

Could she go to a school locally to him?

handknittedchicken · 02/09/2019 14:04

You're not an awful parent, you're ill.

Being a single parent is hard enough without having to deal with poor health on top of it.

You're kids are safe and being looked after and that's the important bit right now.
Let their dad work out how to get them to school.

You need to go back to a gp.
If you're not happy with your current one you can change to another gp.

There are different types of anti depressants and alternative treatments.
No one course of treatment works for everyone but you will find one that works for you.

It will take time and it won't be a straight path but you will get better if you ask for help.

Raphael34 · 02/09/2019 14:08

Do you think this will be a long term recovery op? Can dad have the kids full time for the time being and look for education for your eldest in his area?

mordecaithomas · 02/09/2019 14:12

You should never stop just like that. If the medications weren't working then you need to try another one. You'll always end up feeling worse just cutting them off. Especially if you have been on them for a long period of time like you have been.

ItWentInMyEye · 02/09/2019 14:15

You're a good parent for recognising you couldn't provide your kids with the care they needed at that time. They need you to be well. Do you have any friends who could help with school this week?

AcrossthePond55 · 02/09/2019 14:28

Oh Love, depression and MH are the very bastard.

You did the right thing. You made sure your DC were safe and with their dad, who loves them.

My first advice would be to find a new doctor, a good therapist, AND new tablets. There are so many ADs out there, you're sure to find one that works without all the negative side effects.

BUT if you are absolutely sure that you don't want to take any medication, then you and your children are probably better off with them living with him. So if he won't do the drive to your local school, then you and he need to select a school near to him for your DD.

But do think carefully and seek counseling. If you decide the children will be better with him, you need to realize it should be for the long run. It's not good for children to be bounced back and forth between their parent's homes. Especially when school attendance is involved.

Zakana · 02/09/2019 14:33

New meds for sure and help from their dad. I had to try at least 4 different meds before I got to one that I felt actually helped. Don’t feel embarrassed to reach out for help. Hugs xx

stucknoue · 02/09/2019 14:34

You need to get help to ensure the children are put first and they have a stable home, it could be with you, it could be with their dad - as long as it's a happy home meeting their needs. It's essential they go to school so a decision must be made to either have them with you or enroll them at their dads. If you are struggling family counselling could help you decide on living arrangements, or if needed social services can help - voluntarily contacting them is better than the school contacting them due to unauthorised absence. Please make an urgent appointment with your gp

EileenAlanna · 02/09/2019 15:01

Go back to your GP. You may need a different AD/dosage. I've been on ADs for many years & had mine changed several times as needed. You've not thinking/functioning clearly without them.

EAIOU · 02/09/2019 15:04

Dont be too proud to ask for help. You're doing a great job as it is.

What about some play groups to get out and let the little ones mingle so it would take the pressure off you having to entertain all the time? Ill

Are there any afterschool clubs the oldest might enjoy so you can have a couple of hours with little one and to get an hour to yourself when they nap?

BettyBottersBitterButter · 02/09/2019 15:06

You're not an awful parent, you're ill.

Please keep this in mind. During the summer holidays I hurt my back and was bedbound for a week. My children's father had to come and get them as I couldn't look after them. I didn't feel in the slightest bit guilty, because I was simply incapable of looking after them (and XP was also not in the slightest bit annoyed).

Mental health is no different.

Original poster

Andra09 · 02/09/2019 15:16

You are all so kind. I want my babies, they are my life. I just can't have them around me right now. I will go and speak to my gp in the morning. I've contacted the school and just said there's been a family emergency and she'll be back next week. I think a few days to clear my head and start a plan is what I need.
Thank you all for your support xx

OP posts:

HJWT · 02/09/2019 15:17

Your X needs to look at getting your DD into a school near him, if you cant cope now what is there to say you will be able to even a month from now ? She can't just stay of school.

As hard as mental health is you both need to speak and sort out who is going to be having full custody and were your DC will be going to school.

Go back to your GP asap and get help before this really does spiral

DerbyshireGirly · 02/09/2019 15:44

You can do this OP.

Didkdt · 03/09/2019 13:19

Please speak to a GP, if yours isn't working for you try speaking to another at the practice. This needs baby steps.
Your first step is to get some rest and start some help.
You are not an awful mother, you have made some very brave decisions about your children. But they need you, and you need them.
Moving forward is there a way you and your ex could live closer to each other so he can be around more?

SmartPlay · 03/09/2019 18:23

I agree with PP - you should speak to a doctor and try new pills. Even if you don't like taking them, if they help you, you should take them!

And you are not a bad parent. He's their father after all and can well be expected to watch his kids.

I can't understand though why he can't take your daughter to school. Either he's working, then he'll need someone to take care of your kids all day long and this person could take her and pick her up, or he watches the kids himself, in which case he has enough time to drop her off and pick her up. Even if it's a longer journey - his daughter well-being should be more important to him than his personal inconvenience.

Also, the arrangement with every other weekend doesn't seem to be working for you. It is fair to expect their father to have them more often to do his fair share.

TrainspottingWelsh · 03/09/2019 18:32

You aren’t a shit parent but you aren’t a happy one with your dc at their dads so it’s not the ideal permanent solution. A shit parent would have put the fact they wanted the kids with them above the dcs needs.

You need to go back on the medication, give it time to get back in your system and then reassess the long term plan. Whether that be you or ex moving closer to the other, dc coming back to you and him doing more, or if your illness makes it necessary changing them to a school near their dad and you having weekends. Or a combination.

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