Intrusive thoughts of hurting my toddler

[beexx]

I'm going through a really traumatic time right now and I'll be honest I'm not coping and I don't know what to do. I am struggling. I know the logical thing is to speak to my GP and health visitor. I'm seeing my health visitor today and I've already seen my GP who was useless. I'm already in sertraline from pregnancy. I have PND, I suffered with it from when my first son was around 4 months old.
I have a 3 week old baby and my partner of 6 years left us when our youngest was 2 days old. We also have a 15 month old son. He's being very difficult which is understandable, we've had to move in with my Nan (who has early Alzheimer's) so it's a new environment for him, he's teething, he probably misses his dad. But I just can't cope with him. He's doing a really really loud, like off the scale, high pitched screech. It doesn't even have to be when he's cross or upset, it can be when he's happy and just communicating. I feel so so guilty for saying this but I just don't have the patience for it and it makes me want to lash out at him. Of course I won't but the thoughts are there. I sometimes have to shut the door and leave him just to get away from it. Then he screams even more and I get angrier. Nothing will make it stop. I don't know what to do and I can't see it getting any better. Has anyone been there before that can offer some pearls of wisdom?

Do you have anyone perhaps a relative who can help you?

I think you are exhausted and not thinking properly which can happen through lack of sleep.

We have all been through the screaming toddler tantrum phases which do pass when they get older - they then go on to have teenage tantrums about clothes and mobile phones and not being allowed to stay out late with their mates etc.

I am just trying to tell you this because it is all part of raising children and it does get better but in the meantime you need help. So could you pay a childminder to take him a couple of times a week?

You're in a bad place now, I promise it will get better. I have no experience with this some others on MN will give better help to you but just wanted to hand hold and say good for you for recognising it and holding your hand out for help

Good luck, again, things do get easier - my children are 7&10 now and they were awful when that age but now they're just amazing, cheeky at times and a handful at others but generally just amazing little people

good luck and have strength to continue to get help

Omg my boy did the screeching thing a few months ago. It's horrible. I just breathed count to ten and fake smile and distract him so he doesn't get any attention from the screech. The phase passed so I hope your sons does too.
The rest of your situation though. If you have not got the help from friends or family can you speak to hv about a family support person? I can't remember their actual job title. But I know the ones near me have a team of volunteer local parents who will visit struggling parents to offer advice, support, chat, play with the kids while your there so you can relax a bit etc.

I have had intrusive thoughts for years, it's a part of my mental health that I hid from the doctors as I thought it made me a bad person. I use audiobooks and podcasts and they helped me stay calm and focus. I also found wisdo it's an app where you can talk about mental health issues and get support from people who have been through the same.

Nothing to add to PP but just sending you strength OP. DD did similar it grated on me like nothing before or since. You are in the middle of a very turbulent time and things will improve .

Please speak to your HV and GP. It might be a simple case of upping your dosage of sertraline to take the edge off. I started with pnd/anxiety when my youngest was 3 months old and I had similar thoughts to you about my toddler. Thankfully once I started antidepressants I had much more patience with my eldest.